President Bush Declares War on Unlikely Enemy
At an emergency Christmas Day press conference, President George W. Bush shocked the world by declaring that the United States had officially begun several strategic air attacks on important ground structures in a country which, until that morning, the United States had seemingly good relations with.
"Making a decision like this is never easy," The President said to a small crowd of reporters, "But I really feel that it was the only way to deal with such an outrage as was committed against our great nation this morning. At approximately... uh...," the president paused to count on his fingers, "07:30 this morning, I gleefully ran down to the Christmas tree, only to find that every single present under the tree was filled with coal! Even my stocking, which I had hung by the chimney with care, was filled with coal!
"So I asked Dick, I said Dick, I said, ‘Dick? Why did Santy Clause leave me coal, why?’ And Dick, he, ‘Urgggh, George, go ask Mrs. Cheney. Mr. Cheney may have had a few too many egg nogs last night.’ So I went to Mrs. Cheney, and she said, ‘Well George, have you been a good boy this year? Santa brings presents for the good boys and girls, and leaves only coal for the naughty ones.’"
"It was then," The President continued, "That I knew I had been robbed of my presents! So, of course, I asked Laura if she knew Santa’s number, maybe he just misplaced all of my presents! But Dick came up to me and said, ‘George, Santa didn’t forget your presents. You’ve been put on the naughty list.’"
"Naughty list? Naughty list?! That’s only somethin’ that a part of the Axis of Evil would say!"
"So, let me get this straight," A reporter from the Washington Post asked, puzzled, "You’ve begun strategic air strikes on... the North Pole?"
"That’s right! I’ll teach them to mess with Texans and their Harry Potter Legos!"