The Randomness Continues

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Congratulations, Ben and Jennifer Affleck!

If you've been reading this website for a whiole, then you know that I've been doing my best to help my friend Ben Affleck marry a good Jennifer (See November 01, 2004's BENNIFER EPISODE II: A New Hope?). Well it finally seems to have worked, because he and Jennifer Garner recently got married, and are pregnant (well, I'm pretty sure she's pregnant, but you never do know).

I can see it now... in about 8 years their son/daughter will be flipping through channels and see Daredevil. "Mommy? Why is Daddy blind, and why are you beating him up on a playground?" That kid is going to have a rough life. I mean, we all get teased at one point or another about our parents. But when your Dad was in Pearl Harbor and your Mom was in 13 Going on 30, you better either have a really good defense, or be able to beat the living crap out of anyone.


On Tuesday, in a televised address to the nation, President Bush announced he wants to take the war in a new direction. In his speech, Bush claimed that the original reason for going into Iraq wasn't to get rid of Weapons of Mass Destruction (Wait, what? Was that before or after we found out there weren't any?), but instead to eliminate the "Terrorist Haven" that Saddam Hussein set up in Iraq. And now, over two years after we shock and awed the crap out of Saddam's regime, our President said that because of the war, Iraq has become even more of a center for terrorism.

Wait.. he's for this war that he started, isn't he? He is?!? Ok, just making sure. I was kind of confused there, because he had a really good point (albeit for the opposite side of the issue he's arguing--but hey, we'll cut him some slack, the fact that he had a good idea is shocking). Why is it that our President, the one who fully supported and pushed the war from the very beginning, is saying that in more than two years we haven't just been unsuccesful in accomplishing our goal, but in fact have lost ground?? That doesn't make me want to skip down the street going, "Oh goody! Hooray for war!"

If the war has gotten us no further to accomplishing this "original goal", then why are we:
a) still there
b) still doing the same thing
c) claiming we're winning
d) not firing the people who made this mistake?

If I was in charge of a big Corporation (as we, the people, supposedly are
in charge of this country), and my managers had done nothing to stimulate any success at all in a project for over two years, they would have been fired a long time ago.

According to The Rasmussen Reports, President Bush's approval rating is currently sitting at 48%. That's interesting, because that essentially means as of today 48% of the country thinks he's doing a good job. Which leaves....... 52%!!!

The question that brings up is, if a majority of the country thinks he's doing a poor job, why was he also re-elected by a majority? I believe the final results of the 2004 Election went something like this:

George W. Bush

John Kerry

Not only does a majority of the country think he's doing a bad job, a majority of the country also thinks he's doing good enough of a job to serve a second term. Hmm.... does that not make sense to anyone else?

Don't worry, I promise to stop ranting.

Nearing the end of his address on Tuesday night, President Bush outlined his plan for a new way to handle the war: "Well I was thinkin' about this, ya know, last night while Dick and I were playin' Candy Land, I said to Dick, I said, 'Dick, I got a new idea for a way we can win this war. D'you remember how before, when we were playin' Risk, you were beatin' me so badly that I gave up and ran away cryin'? That's what the Iraqis should do!' I think that would make this war a heck of a lot easier to win, you know, if we weren't fightin' anyone. I think maybe our army could handle that."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Every June, all around the country thousands upon thousands of children scratch their head as to what they should get Dad for Father's day: powertools? A suit? A Hawaiian shirt?

Sometimes we all have problems finding a gift for our Dads, but one son's situation stands above everyone else's.

"I always hear, 'What do I get for a dad who has everything!?' Stop your whining! My problem's much worse. What do you get for a dad who made everything," a bitter Jesus said.

"Each year I get him the same boring box of chocolates and a necktie. Of course, he always says thank you and acts surprised at how delicious the chocolates are... but come on, I know he made them! He doesn't have to humor me."

"Great idea, Shih Huang Ti, a piece of cloth you wear around your neck! Amazing! Stupid Chinese, if it wasn't for egg roles I'd so reign fire down on all of you." -God
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So remember that this year, as you whine about not knowing what Dad really wants, it could be worse: you could be Jesus.