The Randomness Continues

Saturday, April 30, 2005

I've found that a lot of my posts have started with, "I was flipping through channels, when..," which might be an indication that I need a hobby or a puppy or something. Anyways, once again I found myself exercising my right thumb when I came to MSNBC. Or MSN. Or is it MSNC now? MSNCA? MSNS? BSNBC? You know what, for all intensive purposes we'll call it the 'The Channel between CNN and Rupert Murdoch's Republican Propanda Machine, I mean FOXNEWS.'

So I was watching that network last weekend, when some interesting things caught my attention. First off was President Bush congratulating the new Pope, the clip went something like this:

"Laura and I would like to extend our congratulations to the new Pope, Pope Benedict the... Pope Benedict the... uh... um... I is one... what's V again? 7 and 1/2? What?! 5? So Pope Benedict the X5I? Wait, XVI. What's X? Gosh darnit. Dick! Get me my calculator!"

Then onto headline news:

Anchor: "Stay tuned after the commercials for our headlines."

Co-Anchor: Coming up, Ashton Kutcher talks about his new movie and what makes a good Romantic Comedy! Oh, by the way, there was a new Pope or something.

Anchor: (to co-anchor) "I really do love that Ashton Kutcher!"

I am so glad our media has it's priorities set. What priorities? I thought you'd never ask!


Section One: All Dubya, All The Time!
Sure, he's the President of the United States. I understand that he's going to be in the news a lot. But why do I have to hear about every little detail? I don't care if he choked on a pretzel, fell off his bike, or lost in a game of chess to a three year old! Tell me when he does something good, tell me when he does something bad, and tell me when he makes a total idiot of himself so I can write about it. Other than that, hold the G-Dub, please.
Section Two: Entertainment (no pun intended)
It seems that whenever I turn the TV on or read the newspaper there is some article about American Idol. Whether it's about a really good contestant losing, Paula Abdul crying again, or Simon taking 33 audience members hostage, it's always a top story. Why?? Who cares?! Unless that delightful William Hung comes back, I don't give a shit! And even then, I'll probably just laugh at how much he sucks and go find something better to do.
Section Three: Why is that important? You say so? Oh, okay!
These are the stories some executive decides are important, and the media grabs hold of it like Oprah on a check/a piece of cake. They usually last only a few weeks, and then comes the next one! We went from calling her Terri Shabooboo to being able to spell her name better than our own, to not even caring. Laci who? Oh! You mean the girl from that LifeTime movie! What happened? The Enron president did some inside trading?? THAT BASTARD! Oooh, a new Ashton Kutcher movie! (runs off)
Section Four: ...And by the way, The Pope died. Now Back to The OC!
These are actually important. Sure, the Pope's death got a lot of coverage, but that's because there are what, a billion Catholics in the world? What's the population of the Unite States? 295 million? How many Popes died? Only one?!? How many US soldiers have died? 1600?!?! Hmmmm...
Now that's a rant!

Friday, April 29, 2005

New Development in the Michael Jackson Molestation Case

On Thursday singer Michael Jackson's ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, testified in court. District Attorney Tom Sneddon was hoping Ms. Rowe would claim that Jackson made her read statements that appeared in an interview saying the alledged Molestation never occured. Instead, Ms. Rowe claimed Jackson never did anything of the sort.

Looking for some last minute evidence to get a guilty verdict, Sneddon called another celebrity to take the stand. No, it wasn't Cory Feldman again, as much as his career could use the boost.

"Tell me Mr. Clause," Judge Rodney Melville said on Friday, "In your own words, what happened that night in April of 2002?"

Santa Clause leaned into the podium-mounted microphone. "Well, Michael invited me to Neverland, said he had some new ideas for toys, told me to bring some of my 'cute little friends' with me."

Posted by Hello

The judge nodded, "Then what happened?"

Santa Fidgeted. "Well," Clause continued, "I--," Santa then broke into tears. "I swear I had it with me when I left the North Pole! You know, I'm always checking it twice, sometimes even three times! Mrs. Clause always has to bug me on Thursdays to turn off the OC and get to work on that darn list. Well, Michael and I were sitting there talking about this idea he had for me to outsource some elves to Neverland to do research and design, and I reached into my pocket to make sure it was still there--- and it was gone." Santa burried his head into his hands.

"Mr. Clause," Judge Melville asked, "What happened to the list?"

Clause reached for a Kleenex and blew his nose. "Well, I told Michael to keep an eye out because I am getting on in years and have been known to be careless and forgetful with things. I was on my way out to the sleigh, when I realized I had forgotten to ask Michael for an autograph for The Easter Bunny. So I walked back in and that's when I saw--," Santa blew his nose again, "I saw Michael with my list, writing down the names of all the good little boys and... well, just the good little boys."

This shocking new piece of evidence comes as a major blow to Jackson' defense team. Prosecutors have announced that they will next call on The Tooth Fairy and The Boogeyman, both of which are close friends with Jackson. In a press conference on Saturday morning the Boogeyman's lawyer, Diane Chase, said that her client refuses to make any statements on allegations that Jackson bribed The Boogeyman into allowing the singer to hide in closets with him.

A similar response came from The Tooth Fairy's attourney, Bob Newhart. "Ms. Fairy is good friends with Mr. Jackson, and will indeed testify in his defense next week," Newhart told reporters. "These claims that Mr. Jackson threatened to stop brushing his teeth if Ms. Fairy didn't allow him to come collect teeth with her are absolutley perposterous."

Thursday, April 21, 2005

So, what ACTUALLY happened behind the sealed door of The Sistine Chapel?

10. Halo LAN party.
9. Johnny Depp-a-thon.
8. Put on their mothers' clothes and make up and argued over who is cuter, Nick from the Backstreet Boys or Justin from N*Sync.
8.Vatican Idol.
7. Spin the Bottle.
6. Watched the Cardinals-Padres game.
5. Tapped a keg and set a lit bag of dog shit on the front step of St. Peter's Basillica.
4. Took the Pope Mobile for a joy ride.
3. Drew mustache's on Michaelangelo's figures.
2. Held a quiet, respectful, holy conclave.
1. Fight Club, Ratzinger vs. Sodano.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Mass Genocide Goes Unnoticed Once Again

Each year thousands are abused. They are covered in food, dirty laundry, used and forgotten. Then one day, they are dragged out of their houses and into the streets where they are beaten and lit on fire. Each year this happens, but nothing is ever done to stop it.

Each year during March Madness thousands of sofas are burned on college campuses around the country. In East Lansing this year hundreds of sofas became sacrifices following the Michigan State Spartan's loss in the final rounds of both the men and women's college basketball championships.

Only you can prevent sofa violence.

Please, adopt a sofa. Give it a good home, not lying in a street covered in alcohol and Tarheel jerseys, but away from the violence and abuse of college campuses, in a family room next to a potted plant and an ottoman.

You can give sofas, like this one, a second chance. Posted by Hello

You can help this poor defenseless sofa, even if you can't actually adopt one. The "Sponsor a Sofa" program helps sofas get the help they need. Through your donations, a sofa can get cleaned and reupholstered, well on it's way to a new life.

You can help prevent this violence.
You can make a difference.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Dear Peter Jennings,

You have cancer.

That must suck.

To cheer you up, here is a picture of you as Mr. Potato head.

Posted by Hello

Love, The WiseGuy