The Randomness Continues

Friday, August 27, 2004

Earlier today it was reported that somehow the Nation's debt from the War in Iraq has been paid completley. This was followed by some reports from the Kennedy Space Center, where apparently some changes have been made. Slowly the truth started to emerge.


Kennedy Starbucks? Posted by Hello

During a press conference, White House spokesman Ari Fleicsher said, "There is no truth to these reports that the United States government has sold it's space program to Starbucks. This never was and never will be a course of action we will take." Fleischer then went on to talk about how, despite it's price, Starbucks coffee is some of the best coffee he has ever had.



Like all people, Ari Fleischer needs his coffee before going to lie, I mean work. Posted by Hello


No one from Starbucks would return our calls. If you think about it, this actually makes sense. A few months ago President Bush made announcements that new life will be put into the nation's space program, NASA. That new life? A triple latte, of course. The program has gone downhill since it's popularity in the 60s. Recently there have been many probes to Mars, but with lack of funds, not much became of them. So it only makes sense to sell the entire program to Starbucks.


One small sip for man, one giant gulp for mankind. Posted by Hello

When asked to comment on the allegations, President Bush said, "I cannot comment on that. Dick Cheney promised to take me to see Princess Diaries 2 if I kept quiet."


"What's a Starbuck? Is that some kind of alien deer?" Posted by Hello

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Pardon me, did you say Cheez-its or Jesus?

(WARNING: The following post could be offensive to Christians, Muslims, Buddhist, Hindus, Atheists, and the makers of crackers)

I was watching a re-run of Late Night with Conan O'Brien earlier today. A commercial was on, and I wasn't really paying attention. I mean, I was watching it, and sitting close enough to hear it, but I wasn't really "listening". That's something I use with my mom a lot. Anyways, right before the commercial started, there was one of those messages that says something like, "This show is brought to you by..", then is shows a commercial for the product.

Well, I wasn't listening, so when a message comes up and says, "This show is brought to you by Cheez-its," I didn't hear it right, and thought it said, "This show is brought to you by Jesus." This caught my attention. I started watching the commercial for Cheez-its, and thought to myself, "Is Jesus selling crackers?" It makes sense. The King of Jews wants to eat the King of Crackers! This would be a smart move, considering Cheez-its are considered a primarily atheist cracker. They don't believe in any other crackers, especially not Cheese Nips. This could bring in more Christian snackers.

And suddenly the gate holding back a brilliant idea was ripped off it's hinges, sending dirty thought water shooting all over the place. This could open a whole new level of marketing we had never even seen! Everyone has seen those politcal commercials that say, "This message has been approved by George W. Bush." Why not, "This message has been approved by Jesus"?

This sparks something even stronger than peer-pressure: deity pressure. "Where does Jesus get his oil changed? Why, Pennzoil of course! If it's good enough for a messiah, than it's good enough for your Chevy!"

Then we can have official "Certified by Jesus" stickers on everything. Don't by plain old Bananas, by Bananas that have been given the official Jesus sticker of approval! Which brings us back to crackers. You've seen those crackers that are shaped like cartoon characters, right? Well these are even better! Jeez-its! The official snack of Jesus! Comes in Cheddar, Jalapeno Cheddar, White Cheddar, and Communion waffer!


 Posted by Hello

But this new-found deity commercialization isn't ONLY for Christians! WWE is introducing KABBA-RAMMA: Show Down on the Holy Ground! Buddha is replacing the long time character from Pillsbury commercials, the Pillsbury Doughboy! And even the multi-handed Hindu god Vishnu is getting in on the action! "At Vishnu's Pizza, we can make six pizzas at once! Your pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less, or your salvation is on us!"


 Posted by Hello

The only thing preventing these amazing ideas from hitting the TV is Political Correctness! (angry mutterings)


Jeez-Its, get your own box. Posted by Hello


Celebrity Poker Showdown, top this! Posted by Hello

The picture is based on the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" painting (shown below; original is without Homer, unfortunatley). While the picture itself looks pretty simple, this is, without a doubt, the hardest and most advanced thing I've done on this website yet. Kind of like that "Secrets of the Magician" show, I will show you how I did it, just so you feel dumb after believing it might have been true. Aren't I considerate?


The original picture (sans Homer). Posted by Hello

The 'method' I used to make the picture is one that has been used many times in movies. The first one that comes to my mind is Multiplicity, where the main character played by Michael Keaton ("I'm Batman") gets himself cloned. Because there is only one actor who can play the clones (that isn't always true, see The Matrix Reloaded), and in the movie 4 or more of them meet, they had to find a way to have each character on screen at the same time. I did the same thing.

To start with, I set up the table with cards and chips and put the mushroom at one of the spots. I then marked exactly where I wanted each of the 4 other mushrooms. That first picture is the main background to which I then added the other pictures. To get a realistic look, I moved the mushroom to each of the four remaining spots, then took a picture from the same angle and position as the original picture. (NOTE: This means that, unlike the Mushroom in History pictures, these aren't just the same picture used over and over. It makes each one look different) I then took each of the four pictures, cut the mushroom out using my crappy MS Paint program, and placed it on the background picture. It took several hours to get the final product, but in the end it looks really, really good.

(NOTE: This does not count as a Mushroom Picture Collection (see Mushroom Picture Collection: Part I and Mushroom Picture Collection: Part II). I will have another one of those up sometime soon.)

(RELATED NOTE: It takes a while to think up enough ideas to make a Mushroom Picture Collection, but it's worth it. Last time I got a lot of hits the first day one was up.)



Friday, August 20, 2004

Again, I was minding my own business, when suddenly this article jumped out, beat me up, and stole my lunch money. According to AOL News, national security advisor Condoleeza Rice counsels Americans to be less "critical of every twist and turn" in Iraq.

Wait. This isn't an M. Night Shyamalan movie. We all wont suddenly gasp at a "twist" at the end of this war and say, "Ohh, so the reason we couldn't find any weapons of mass destruction was because they are all dead. And the reason George W. Bush knew they were there is beacause he has the sixth sense." That's a twist. What Condoleeza Rice is talking about are "twists and turns" like thousands of soldiers dying, or a militant Iraqi cleric using his power to fight our troops.


"I see dead people. Yee Haw!" Posted by Hello

She went on to say, "We need to be more patient with people who are making those early steps." Steps to what? Freedom? Peace? Or is she simply talking about the Nicorette program? I will agree that the media grabs hold of each little story, and blows it out of proportion. But seriously, it's not like this is a small thing. And I think, deep down, Condoleeza really meant to say, "Leave me the hell alone before I travel back in time and kill your mother."


The C-1000 Posted by Hello

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Every once and a while, I'll turn on the Olympics just to see if America is still beating up on everyone else. Today, while I was watching, I saw the medal count list. Of course, America is in the lead. But the true story is at the bottom of the list. While looking at the countries who have the lowest number of medals, something catches your eye, and suddenly you're asking yourself one question: Oh Canada! Why do your summer athletes suck? They have one medal, a bronze in women's synchronized diving. Yes, a bronze. Not only do they only have one medal, but that medal is a bronze.

A party took place late Monday night, celebrating Canada's first medal. Divers Emilie Heymans and Blythe Hartley were there, along with the medal. During the celebration, the medal was passed around. After the party was over, the divers could not find the medal anywhere. After searching the entire hotel, they found the medal, lying in a pool of melted chocolate, along with a note:

Dear Canada,

We were just kidding, we didn't think you'd actually believe that you won a gold medal. Enjoy the chocolate!

Athens Organizing committee


Ok, I'm just kidding about that. But it might as well be made of chocolate. What happened to Canada? During the winter games they rocked. Sure, they won half as many medals as the US, but at least they won some big events, like Hockey. Who watches women's synchronized diving? I find ping pong more entertaining. I guess Canada should just stick to winter games. Or, they can decide to become the 51st state (they already are, it's just not official) and ride the United State's awesomeness wave.

Jokes aside, good luck Canada, and enjoy your pretty consolation ribbon.

(RELATED NOTE: These Olympic games are turning out to be some of the most boring and uncrowded games in Olympic history. So like most people, I'm already checking out the progress on Beijing 2008!)

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Has it really been a year? It seems like just yesterday that I was making fun of people for slapping down the deed to their houses to get 30 gallon bottles of water... only for power to come back on the next day. It was not a big deal. Sure, it was one of the largest blackouts in history, stretching from New York City to Detroit. And maybe it did cause us to lose millions of dollars. And sure, I can even believe that maybe a few people died. But seriously, it wasn't THAT bad.


Actual satelite photo from August 14, 2003. Posted by Hello


Ok, maybe it was kind of a big deal. But, one year later, everything is fine. The world has not ended. We all survived. We have power back on. And most importantly, I have my Jones Soda again. So why the hell is FOX News doing this huge piece on "BLACKOUT '03-- ONE YEAR LATER"? I still don't understand. Why can't FOX News be more like CNBC? Instead of semi-relevant news stories, we want shows like Dennis Miller, and McEnroe! News? Who watches the news for the news anymore? That's so 1999. (muffled laughter)


Wait--- I did? Posted by Hello


I know everyone has heard what the Government released as the reasons for the Blackout. You can find the full report at the Office of Electric Transmission and Distribution's website. But that's not what really happened. It turns out the Government was so embarassed about the actual events, that they had to cover it up. Below is an exclusive picture taken on August 14th, 2003, that shows what REALLY happened.


Actual photo of the New York skyline on August 14th, 2003. Of course this picture has not been altered in any way! Do you really need to insult me like that? I'm credible! I show more than just cheap crap on this website. Posted by Hello


I can see why they'd want to cover it up. I mean, Japan has been crushed over 20 times in the various crappy Godzilla (or Gojira, in Japanese) movies. And when the giant monster finally leaves Japan, American director Roland Emerich (Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow-- see any connections between his movies?) makes fun of them with his crappy movie about New York being torn down. So when it finally does happen, I can understand the need to cover it up. It's either that, or face the laughter and ridicule of 127,333,002 Japanese people.




BUSH: "Aw c'mon, we can take 'em!" Posted by Hello

(NOTE: I know the quality of that last picture is pretty low, being that I fused two of my own doctored pictures together. But I can almost hear Bush saying the line from that caption, and that makes up for that crappy quality)

(FURTHER NOTE: Don't say it's easy to make a blog. This post took me nearly 2 and a half hours to perfect. I don't just type in the box. This isn't your sister's Blurty. I use HTML. And for my pictures, I use MS Paint. That's right, I don't have photoshop yet. I do it pixel by pixel. But I hope to be getting Flash and Photoshop real soon)

(KIND OF RELATED NOTE: I actually got an email from someone who likes my website. Ang get this, he was from Japan. I didn't even know people from the United States read my website)

(EVEN FURTHER NOTE: And my guess is after all the things I said about Godzilla and Japan, he probably hates me now. Damn, when I finally get a fan..)

Friday, August 13, 2004

Today..

I've never been really superstitious. Sure, I try to not break as many mirrors as possible, but that's not so much about the bad luck as it is about me not wanting to clean up broken glass. As bad as my laziness can get, sometimes it saves me trouble. Before I get to the point of this post (is there one?), I'd like to shoot off into a completley un-releated direction.

I, like thousands of people, own the Grand Theft Auto games. The games which the media like to rag on. Sure, they are violent and graphic, but that doesn't mean we're going to recreate what we see. I don't care about "proven facts" and "test results", I have a theory that proves most people who play the GTA games won't start a life of crime. That proof? Most video game players are lazy. "I would go steal cars and kill prostitutes... but Best Week Ever is on!"

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah. Superstitions. So today is Friday the 13th. Bad luck? No. Good luck? No. Today, nothing happened. Nothing. No Jason. Nothing!

Well, there is the Olympics. I think it's kind of strange that NBC has over 1,500 hours of coverage on the olympics, when the events have already taken place by the time we get to see them. Athens is 7 hours ahead of Detroit-Eastern Time (according to The World Clock), so the opening ceremony which starts tonight at 8pm, actually took place 7 hours ago. Why even watch the events? Because they are entertaining? Some of them are. But who wants to watch Taiekwando? I can just go to ESPN and find out that America kicked ass like always. Sorry NBC, I like Conan, but you aren't going to get me to waste what is left of my summer watching TV-- well, atleast by watching the Olympics.

And what about Hurricane Charley? I think that's the worst name for a hurricane. I saw a headline on CNN that went "Here Comes Charley". It sounds like they are talking about a dog. Here boy, here Charley. Oh wait, it's just a level 4 killer Hurricane. My bad.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

(WARNING: The following post contains nothing valuable. What it does contain is a whole lot of meaningless crap about the search engine Google, which has been strung together in no apparent pattern, for no apparent reason. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)

I was feeling bored, and decided maybe Google could help me. It has pulled through for me in the past, so why not? The first thing I searched, for no apparent reason, was Royal Guard. I was thinking of those highly disciplined British guards you always see pictures of. What I got was a few pictures of British Guards, and the rest was from Star Wars. Which got me to thinking: what exactly is the world's internet priority? To figure this out, I chose some words, and typed them into Google and recorded the number of websites on that subject. Here are the results:


THE RANDOMNESS CONTINUES: 76
THE POPE: 4,340,000
THE BEATLES: 5,600,000
HARRY POTTER: 6,600,000
LOL: 10,000,000
HATE: 13,000,000
JESUS: 23,000,000
COFFEE: 25,300,000
DRUGS: 25,600,000
PEACE: 29,500,000
RELIGION: 33,000,000
ASS: 33,000,000
SIN: 40,900,000
FIRE: 50,000,000
DOG: 54,000,000
CAT: 56,000,000
GOD: 60,800,000
EBAY: 61,000,000
GOLF: 61,000,000
DEAD: 91,800,000
WAR: 97,100,000
LOVE: 118,000,000
FOOD: 123,000,000
MONEY: 126,000,000
SPORTS: 166,000,000
TRAVEL: 177,000,000
GOVERNMENT: 180,000,000
TV: 182,000,000
EDUCATION: 182,000,000
PHONE: 185,000,000
SCHOOL: 192,000,000
BOOKS: 193,000,000
CHEAP: 194,000,000
ART: 195,000,000
PICTURES: 197,000,000
SEX: 201,000,000
WOMEN: 206,000,000
MEN: 223,000,000
COMPUTER: 225,000,000
MOVIES: 239,000,000
CAR: 240,000,000
WEBSITE: 241,000,000
MUSIC: 260,000,000
WORLD: 263,000,000
GAMES: 271,000,000
EMAIL: 284,000,000
BUY: 362,000,000
INTERNET: 391,000,000
TIME: 403,000,000
NEWS: 432,000,000
FREE: 562,000,000

(NOTE:The actual highest returned results I could find was for the word THE, at 5,900,000,000. But, I didn't think that was fair to all the other words)

Now, I think that list is just short of incredible. Look at the top word, FREE. Are we really that fucking cheap? I think we must be. I also love how ASS and RELIGION have the same number of results. COFFEE and DRUGS are both bigger than JESUS, and SEX is bigger than GOD.

(KIND OF UNRELATED NOTE: You can type in Google on Google, and the top result will lead you back to Google. The questions is: why?)

Thursday, August 05, 2004

THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATIONS TOOK PLACE AT 10:47 am THIS MORNING:


ME: Hello?

MAN: Hello, may I speak to Mr. or Mrs. *******, please?

ME: I'm sorry, they're not available at the moment.

MAN: When will be a better time to reach them?

ME: Well, I suppose the police will untie them when they get here.

MAM: What?

ME: Untie them. Oh, they also have to take the gags off and let them out of the cages. I'll leave them a message that you--

::click::


THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE AT 6:27 pm YESTERDAY EVENING:


ME: Hello?

WOMAN: Hello sir. I'm calling on behalf of (local candidate for congress). Are you aware of what (current congressman) has and has not done for the---

ME: Miss, how much do you make?

WOMAN: Excuse me?

ME: Money, how much money do you make for making these calls.

WOMAN: I'm sorry sir, but I think that's--

ME: Because whatever you make, I'll triple it if you never call again.

::click::

(NOTE: The guy in the first conversation actually seemed freaked out at first, but I started laughing a little bit near the end and I think he figured it out)

(FURTHER NOTE: Personally, I think the offer in the second conversation was a fair one, and I know I would have taken it)

(UNRELATED NOTE: Check out "This Land" and "Exorcist in 30 seconds (re-enacted by bunnies)" for two hilarious cartoons)

(WARNING: The first cartoon, "This Land", will take an extremley long time to load on dial-up, but loads almost instantly on DSL and anything faster)

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Mushroom in History

Many people think that this website was the "origin" of the stone mushroom. Not true. In fact, the stone mushroom has actually been at some of the most historically significant events in our country's history. Unfortunatley, not many people look as hard at the pictures of some of these events. But, fortunatley for all of you, I have, and I present them here for you today, enhanced and remastered for your viewing pleasure.



Posted by Hello

The Grassy Mushroom?


Posted by Hello

The allies' secret weapon?


Posted by Hello

I've heard of throwing octopus...


Posted by Hello

One small step for man, one giant leap for a Mushroom.


Posted by Hello

Mushroom, I am your father.

(NOTE: The subject matter in these pictures has not been changed or altered in any way, shape, or form (muffled laughter). No seriously. I'm not kidding. No, really. Stop laughing.)




Tuesday, August 03, 2004

THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE THIS MORNING AROUND 10:35am:

ME: (awake for around 5 seconds at this point, time enough to stumble to the phone) hello?

MAN: Hello sir, would you be interested in taking a survey?

ME: What?

MAN: Thank you sir. First off, are you aware that abortion is legal in the United States?

ME: What?

MAN: What is your opinon of that?

ME: What?

MAN: Sir, abortion, are you for it or against it?

ME: (done playing that amateur "what?" game after seeing this man's persistance) actually sir, I'd look to ask you a question first.

MAN: Uhh, well, sir can you--

ME: Thank you sir. There's a new law I am considering, it will punish complete jackasses who call people at 10:30 in the morning by tattooing the word "MORON" on their foreheads. Are you for it or against it?

MAN: Sir, I'll move on to my next question. What is your opinion on gay marriage?

ME: Why? Are you proposing?

::click::

Monday, August 02, 2004

This is the first hand drawn picture I've put on the site. I'm not a great artist, but this one came out pretty good. Now, you must be wondering, "Well golly WiseGuy, what do you have against the fine folks at Disney?" Nothing, well, except for the whole "they ruin most everything that isn't involved with Pixar" thing. Bastards. What inspired me to make pictures of Mickey as a Nazi and a burning/hanged effigy? Who knows. I don't. The Government certainly doesn't. In fact, I don't even think Miss Cleo, Jerry Springer, Maury, or Diane Sawyer know the answer. Mulder and Skully might.

Posted by Hello

"The truth is out there-- ok, we're kidding, we have no fucking clue where or what the truth is. But our writers came up with that tag line, and we all thought it was damn cool."