The Randomness Continues

Friday, April 30, 2004

(WARNING: THIS IS THE MOST POLITICAL THIS WEBSITE WILL EVER GET. YOU?VE BEEN WARNED)

The entire country seems to be talking about an election that is still more than half a year away. So why shouldn't we? Ok, so you're probably all dying to know who I would vote for, if I could. The truth is, I don't like Bush or Kerry. I'm all for Nader, and I have good reasons for this too. First of all, I don't think George W. Bush was a bad president. I simply think his luck is very bad. During his term, we've seen:
-The worst terrorist attack on American soil
-Two wars
-A sinking economy
-Increased gas prices
-And a steady increase in the number of reallity TV shows
Now, I'm not saying any of that is his fault. In fact, he made the best out of all situations. But, from what I've pieced together, it does sound like the whole truth was not told about Iraq. I'm not saying he lied, I'm just saying he wanted to be seen as the President who finally got Saddam. And when he heard that they could possibly have stock piles of weapons of mass destruction, he got even greedier. Maybe he didn't pause to think that his sources weren't correct. Who cares, that is the past. The war in Iraq (using a quote from Apollo 13) was "a succesful failure". We got Saddam. We killed his sons, and just about everyone in his regime from the second in command, to the guy who re-bristled the regime's janitor's push-brooms. But with them, we lost a hell of a lot of soldiers. Now, you all knew this. Everyone has their own opinions about the war. But what no one can deny, is that it would have been better if he had gone in there with the UN's permission. After all, the United States isn't the world's peace keeper. We have the UN for that. But apparently, the UN doesn't do things well enough for us. So he didn't do the best job in Iraq. Is that why I wouldn't vote for him if I could? Yeah, pretty much. Now about Kerry, he just doesn't seem like a nice guy. You know, the kind of family that looks nice and happy, but in fact, they are major jackasses, but together they look happy because their jackassiness (new word) is wasted on each other. Kerry seems like that kind of person. I know that doesn't seem like a true reason not to like a candidate, but meh, my opinion doesn't matter. And finally, why do I like Ralph Nader? He wants to legalize marijuana. I don't smoke it, but I feel people should be able to do whatever the hell they want, as long as they don't hurt others. If they want to smoke weed and laugh at their own hands, why not? In the end, I think we should just hand the presidency over to Samuel L. Jackson. That guy is such a badass. He was cooler saying one line in Kill Bill Vol. 2 (an amazing, amazing movie) than most actors are in their entire careers ("He's the man!"). And on top of that, all of his other movies. Forget the election, Samuel L. Jackson for President!



He's the man! Posted by Hello

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

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Thursday, April 08, 2004

Armageddon. Not something to joke about, right? We know what the Bible, Mel Gibson, and Max Quordlepleen (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe) think about it. But does anyone really know anything about it? What will happen? Who will it happen to? And of course, when will it happen. Will we ever know when the end of the world is coming? Well, some of us do. I live in Michigan. And, like everyone else, I'm always embarrassed to say that. Not because there is anything wrong with the state. I mean, hell, we have the great lakes, the three largest car manufacturers, the Red Wings, University of Michigan, STIMPMITS. This state has a lot going for it. But still, when I say I'm from Michigan, I can't help wanting to take it back. Why? The Detroit Tigers. Last year, they lost 119 games. The beginning of last season, they went 0-9. There's a joke around here about impossible odds, and the punch-line is always The Tigers. "You've got as good of a chance of winning the lottery as The Tigers have of winning the world series." They were the laughing stock of the MLB last year. "The world will end before the Tigers make it to the playoffs again." But suddenly, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are wearing Tigers' jerseys and playing with their Pudge Rodriguez bobble head dolls, as the dark clouds encircle Comerica Park. First, the Lions (another plague on Michigan) turned their season around (if you call 5-9 a turn-a-round). Now, The Tigers seem to be doing the same. Ok, maybe everyone is getting a little carried away with this four game winning streak right away. But come on, when a team that only won 43 games last year wins four in a row (10.75%), it's a big deal. Some people didn't expect them to win ANY games after last year. But now, they're sitting in the middle of a media circus. First they get Ivan Rodriguez, and now they're winning. When you're the worst team in major sports, there's only one way to go: up. I know, it's way too early in the season for this to matter, but at the end of the season, when they screw this up, we can look back and say, "Well, for one day, the Detroit Tigers had the best record in the MLB"

(NOTE: Well, the very next game they screw it up. That doesn't necesarily mean they will suck the rest of the year. Only, they blew a perfect beginning. Oh well, we still have the Red Wings)

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

I turn on the TV this morning, and what do I see? Under "Headline News" is a story about Jennifer Lopez's mom. Apparently, Guadalupe Lopez placed a $3 bet on a spin the wheel game at a casino, and won $2.5 million. Really. That qualifies as headline news? What, the fact that she won $2.5 million dollars? Her daughter is a (horrible) musician and actress. As bad as Jennifer Lopez's career is, she still makes money. Hell, she was married to P. Diddy (whom, despite having no talent, still has enough money to try to buy the Knicks. Keyword try), and almost went out with Ben Afleck (who also has no talent, but hey, his name sounds like Aflac, and their commercials are pretty funny). Both of those people might suck, but they still have money. Jennifer Lopez's mom could get anything from her daughter. Yet, she plays some game at a casino and wins, and we have to hear about it. NO ONE CARES! When it comes to money, unless it has to do with us, the American public does not give shit one. We're all greedy. WOOHOO. I just found a coke cap that says "You win One free 20oz coke"! See how much everyone cares?? Not at all. All though, I care more about that then I do about "Ben and Jen's break-up." Come on, it's a good thing. Did you see GIGLI? Neither did I, but it looked like a flaming piece of cow shit.

Monday, April 05, 2004

[WOMAN]: Sir?
[EMPLOYEE]: (sounds eager to help) Yes ma'am?
[WOMAN]: How did this chicken die?
[EMPLOYEE]: (confused) Excuse me?
[WOMAN]: This chicken. How did it die?
[EMPLOYEE]: (surprised) Well, all of these chickens were grown on a chicken farm a few hours north of here. The birds are hung by their feet on coveyor belts, and are then passed through an electrically-charged water bath that is supposed to stun them so they have no feeling when the time comes for their heads to be cut off.
[WOMAN]: (thoroughly horrified) Are there any chickens who die of natural causes?
[EMPLOYEE]: (still trying to remain courteous, all though somewhat annoyed at this point) No ma'am. If a chicken dies of natural causes, the meat usually isn't used, mainly out of fears of disease.
[WOMAN]: Are there any chickens that die of old age?
[EMPLOYEE]: (frustrated) No-- old age is considered a natural cause of death.
[WOMAN]: I see. Well, do you know if they feel any pain when they're being killed?
[EMPLOYEE]: (sarcastic) I do. They feel absolutley nothing. In fact, they like being killed.
[WOMAN]: (unable to detect sarcasm) Ok-- I'll just look at the beef.
(employee turns to walk away, woman stops him)]
[WOMAN]: Sir?
(stops, turns slowly, tries to act nice, clearly annoyed as hell)
[EMPLOYEE]: Yes?
[WOMAN]: Do you know how this cow was killed?

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Okay, so this is America, and they say people are allowed to say whatever they want to. But how much is too much? Seriously. How many stupid people need to say stupid things before we realize not everyone deserves to have an opinion (the thing is, though, if we did that, this site would no longer exist. So, sadly, I am a hypocrite). Why am I saying this? Well, it all has to do with movies. Some people would call me a movie geek. But the thing is, I am considering going into the business. So it's less geekness, and more planning for the future (I swear, this isn't just an excuse to go see more movies, all though it can't possibly hurt). I read a lot of websites about movies. Reviews, previews, rumors, etc. I also check the reviews in the newspaper. That is where the whole "(semi) hatred of free speech" thing comes in. Featured in the paper is a critic who writes (among other papers) for the Newark Star Ledger. Stephen Whitty. Now, anyone can have a personal opinion about most things. But when it comes down to THE BIG THINGS, and these people are going against the grain... that's when someone needs to lay down the line. On a website I often go to, Rotten Tomatoes, this man's horrible review of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, was one of THREE negative reviews on the site (possibly the entire planet). Stop and think about that for a second. He said, "Like all the other installments in the saga, The Return of the King is part of a good movie, but only mediocre on its own, full of awkward pauses and redundancies." Yes, we hear you Mr. "I want attention for being a dumbass". And, we don't care. The movie won ELEVEN ACADEMY AWARDS, and somehow I don't think your opinion matters. Yet, I am shocked that someone with eyes can not like this movie. Not only was he wrong about Return of the King, he has been wrong countless times, including yesterday's review of HELLBOY. I saw it today, and he is wrong. But what else is new? Anyways, the movie rocked. But, Mr. Negativity said this about the movie, "For all the monstrous eviscerations, there's no real heart here." No heart??? Wait. A demon (from hell, where else) falls in love with a girl who can control fire. There's no heart? A romance, in a movie that has hounds from hell, a Russian mad man, A Nazi assassin who always wears a gas mask, has two big-ass swords, and is filled with clockwork and sawdust, and a giant demon. Did I mention there was a VERY BIG GUN? What else do you need? The movie rocked. Stephen Whitty is on crack. So, I want everyone who reads this site (all two or three of you) to stuff his inbox FULL of hate mail, criticisms, reviews, and pictures (preferably ones drawn by little kids (a stick figure with stink lines, perhaps)). This man must know he sucks.

(NOTE: Mr. Whitty continued pissing me off when he gave the movie "Mean Girls" 3 out of 4 stars. A movie about teenage girls gets a better review than the best movie of ALL TIME? If you are still trying to decide if this man is full of shit, that should help you)

Stephen Shitty, excuse me, Whitty, can be reached at Swhitty@starledger.com