The Randomness Continues

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

THE RANDDOMNESS CONTINUES: ANOTHER 5 MONTHS OF THE BEST RANDOMOSSITY
Wednesday, September 17: PK's first post
Saturday, September 27: Noah's brother/STIMPMITS... DRIVE?
Sunday, Septemeber 28: The Creation of HomeComing
Thursday, October 02: Dear Santa Claus
Tuesday, October 07: A Monkey's worst nightmare
Sunday, October 12: One BIG rant
Saturday, October 25: PK's big plan/ Happy Hallowrandomness!
Friday, November 07: Christmas... already???
Sunday, November 09: Free your-- wallet?
Friday, November 14: I bet you'll never see the ending coming!
Saturday, November 29: Guilty Conscience? Nah!
Friday, December 05: The inner deapths of The WiseGuy's fridge
Sunday, December 21: The top 10 ways to cover up the fact that you forgot to buy someone a present for Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24: DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!
Thursday, December 25: Merry Randomness!
Sunday, December 28: The WiseGuy's Resolution
Sunday, January 04: "Oops" they did it again/STIMPMIT'S song
Tuesday, January 06: The Lifeguard of the Gene pool
Sunday, January 18: Why does the HOBO suck?
Tuesday, January 20: Mid-Life crisis
Friday, January 23: THE LIST
Sunday, January 25: 10 easy steps for a succesful takeover of a local government and transition to a Dictatorship!

Well, these are the latest greatest. Enjoy even more classics!

(NOTE: Another Snow Day!!!!)

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT WATCHING THIS YEAR'S GOLDEN GLOBES:

10. RE-RUNS OF DIFFEREN'T STROKES
9. RETURNED LIBRARY BOOKS THAT WERE 10 YEARS OVERDUE
8. BUSY FEASTING ON THE FLESH OF THE LIVING
7. LEONDARDO DICAPRIO WASN'T NOMINATED FOR ANYTHING
6. BECAME BLIND IN A FREAK ACCIDENT MOMENTS BEFORE
5. STUDYING FRENCH HISTORY AND AMERICAN LITERATURE IN HOPES OF BEING A CONTESTANT ON NEXT MONTH'S JEOPARDY
4. ABDUCTED BY LITTLE BLUE MEN-- OR WENT TO BLUE MAN GROUP CONCERT, NOT SURE WHICH
3. TOO BUSY BUILDING SHRINE TO QUEEN LATIFAH AS A TRIBUTE TO KEEP HER FROM RELEASING BEAUTY SHOP, A SPIN OFF OF THE BARBER SHOP SERIES
2. SPENDING "QUALITY" TIME WITH FAMILY... (SIGH)
1. SAVING UP FOR OSCARS, TOO MANY AWARD SHOWS CAN BE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH, ESPECIALLY CRAPPY ONE'S THAT DON'T MEAN JACK SQUAT TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY THOSE NOMINATED.


(NOTE: SNOW DAY!!!!!)

Sunday, January 25, 2004

10 EASY STEPS TOWARDS A SUCCESFUL HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF A LOCAL GOVERNMENT AND TRANSITION TO A DICTATORSHIP!

10. KILL YOUR FAMILY:
You're a busy dicator. You have peaceful protests to crush, weak countries to threaten, and powerful countries to bribe-- so you don't have time to go to a little league game or a dance recital. Plus, in a few years you'll have enough money to try to clone them.
9. CHANGE YOUR NAME:
A dictator needs to strike fear into the hearts of his people and rule with an iron fist. That's kind of hard to do if your name is Mikey Love or something weak like that. Try changing your name to Ivan Killalot.
8. DON'T BE AFRAID TO "STRETCH" LAWS A LITTLE HERE AND THERE:
You can't be a succesful dictator if you're afraid to get your hands dirty. Some bribery here, maybe a few murders there. You have a nation to take over, and nobody ever did that by passing out flowers.
7. RE-NAME ALL GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS, PARKS, SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, AND REALLY HIGH TOWERS AFTER YOUR SELF:After all you've done for the country, you should at least have everything named after your self. You did the work, you should get the fame and glory. JFK didn't have high schools named after him until after he died, so hurry up.
6. DESTROY ALL GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS, PARKS, SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, AND REALLY HIGH TOWERS:
There's no need to have these things. Take all the money you save from destroying them and buy yourself a yacht. In fact, buy yourself a whole fleet of yachts. Then have a statue of you put up. You deserve it!
5. CENSOR YOUR NATION'S HISTORY, ERASE PEOPLE YOU HATE FROM HISTORICAL RECORDS, DESTROY ALL COPIES OF THE FRIENDS COMPLETE DVD COLLECTION, AND EDIT YOUR ENEMIES OUT OF PHOTOS:
You are the supreme law. Why not use your authority to change the world even more than your have? Get rid of all records of your enemies. Have a problem with The War of 1812? POOF! It's gone. Are you angry that The Simpsons has been on TV for longer than Friends, yet all the Friends seasons are already on DVD? Get rid of all copies of them. And while you're at it, kill David Schwimmer! That'll teach them!
4. RAISE TAXES AND BUILD YOUR SELF A FEW MANSIONS:So what if your country's tax rate is 90%? There's still 10% percent left! Pump your citizens for all they're worth. After all, without you they'd still be living in stuffy, over-crowded houses, instead of out in the streets where they can breathe in the fresh, clean, pure, smog-filled air of your industrialized nation! What should you do with the millions of dollars from your tax hikes? Build schools? Free health care? Cheap government housing for people in poverty? Yeah right! Build a few summer mansions!
3. KILL ANYONE WHO OPENLY EXPRESSES THEIR OPINION:
You're the only one who has an opinion that matters! Everyone else should die for saying what they think about PBS. And if their opinion is different than yours? Kill them, their family, their boss, their favorite celebrity, and their lawyer.
2. FORCE EVERYONE INTO LABOR CAMPS WHERE THEY WORK DAY AND NIGHT TO BUILD A 3,000 FOOT STATUE IN YOUR HONOR:
You are always right. So, if you think aliens on a distant planet should see your dazling good looks from millions of miles away, than make it happen! And while their at it, you can have them build a throne room in the statue's head. You are the top of the world, so why not live there?
1. SIT BACK AND ADMIRE YOUR OWN GENIUS:
Congratulations! You have single-handedly taken over a weak government, crushed all opposition, formed the worlds strongest nation, and forced all your petty citizens into building a statue in your honor. Now just wait a couple of years before the pesky United Nations comes nosing around and tries to bring your empire down. What are you going to do? Stop them! And if you can't, rig every building in your country with thousands of tons of explosives! That will teach them. GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY!

Friday, January 23, 2004

(NOTE: Big news today. I have permanently deleted The Randomness after reading it and realizing it has little or no content compared to The Randomness Continues. Now the only good content it had, THE LIST, has been pulled out, cleaned up, patched up, and is presented right here in its new sparkly clean form)


Things that annoy me:

1. Little kids who think they're "Ghetto". My city is an upper class town full of middle-upper class white people. If that's a ghetto then I'm a billionaire. They wear their hats sideways, and wear FUBU and South Pole. Then their all like "Hey G, what's up Dawg?" I feel like saying, "Go to Detroit, see how long before someone pops ya, dawg."
2. People who walk in cluttered halls and turn around suddenly and stop to talk someone behind them. "OH HI, I haven’t seen you for 20 minutes, lets stop in a cluttered hallway and talk about what that one girl is wearing. OH MY GOD!" Yeah, OK frosh. You’ve seen them:
-Before school
-In a class
-At lunch
-After school
-During the weekends
BUT... you need to, all of a sudden, tell them something SO important you have to stop in the middle of a hallway to do so? Is the sky falling? Did we find a cure for stupid? Or did you just see “the most cutest dress!”
3. Homework. Will it prepare you for tests and quizzes? yes. Does it make you (fairly) smarter? yes. Will it help you in the future? yes. Does it suck now? YES! I have no true problem with homework. I understand it’s purpose: to give us practice on what we learn in school. But seriously now, it’s been turning into BUSYWORK. I HATE BUSYWORK! You know, when the teacher doesn’t feel like teaching anymore. Their options usually consist of:
-A movie. A teacher’s best friend. Forgot to make a lesson plan? No problem! If you keep a copy of Twister in the glove compartment of your car, you’re all set.
-Worksheets. “Today class, we will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 16 BILLION WORKSHEETS!” And suddenly you find yourself paying attention to what she’s saying, starring at her eyes, hoping that the overwhelming pressure of the blank, angry stares of 30 pairs of eyes will cause her to have a nervous breakdown. Alas, you now have 30 worksheets to do.
4. NASCAR. 95 year old women who cant see over the steering wheel drive, are they athletes? I drive. Am I an athlete (muffled laughter). Seriously. How did this one slip under the radar of professional sports? Now, it does have on good thing about it. The crashes! Why are they good? Don’t people get hurt and even die? Yes... if we’re lucky. (NOTE: It is very tragic about the death of Dale Earndhart. No, I am not making fun of him.) That’s why people like things like monster trucks, or Godzilla movies, or Viva la Bam... to see things get wrecked!
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
5. Internet pop-ups. Don't you love the ones that say ,"Get the pop up blocker! Instantly blocks out all of those annoying pop-ups." What is this? That would be like Telemarketers calling to sell you those telezappers that block out telemarketer calls, or a door to door salesman selling Dobermans. It doesn’t make sense. Are they trying to lose business? Wait... do they have business to lose?
6. Barbie. "Dolls do not walk, talk or sing." Then why is it in your commercial? Hundreds of little girls buy these dolls... and for what? They don’t do anything. Now, if it said, “Dolls cook, clean, and do you taxes,” I’m guessing far more parents would buy them.
7. Lego boxes. Do they think we are all idiots? Do they have to put "Some assembly required” on LEGO BOXES??? Are people really that stupid, that they need to be told a toy with the purpose of teaching creativity and logic through building, requires "some assembly"?
8. (some) Professional Athletes who want more money. Your making over a million a year and you want more money? What, need a few more Ferraris? You’ve got a deal worth 250 million over 10 years, yet you are unhappy?? Fine. You know what? I’ll take 1% of that money, and I’ll be the happiest person in the world... for a few days.
9. Film Companies. The ones that insist on making movies like "Kangaroo Jack" and "See Spot Run". If I wanted to watch some cheap junk I'd turn on the TV and watch FOX so I can see some quality programming like "Man versus Beast", "Joe Millionaire" and "The Glutton Bowl".
10. Reality TV. Why is watching some British jerk named Simon make grown people cry good TV? It’s not entertaining. Now, what is entertaining is watching someone who just got dissed by Simon pick up a glass of water and throw it at him. I didn’t actually see this on the show, but I watched a clip of it on TV on some news show. It was awesome.
11. FOX. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé? Man versus Beast II? Detroit Lion’s Football? What is happening? Do the people at FOX who come up with new shows go digging in other channels garbage until they find the crappiest shows that other channels rejected, clean them up, and put them on the air? Of course this does not include the only quality fox programs like The Simpsons, Malcom and the Middle... and that’s all. They have ruined or canceled all their good shows.

BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.

12. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, N sync, Back Street Boys, and all other forms of pop music. You sing about love, and break ups, and more love, and occasionally more break ups. I want some pop singer to totally surprise me and sing about violence and drugs. I might buy it.
13. Jay Z, DMX, Nelly, and all other forms of rap music. They sing about guns, dogs, hot girls, hot dogs (haha), big guns, big girls, drugs, and occasionally about killing their mothers. Why???? What happened to the good old days when you could sing a song about an Oscar Meyer wiener and it would sell? But now, oh yes. Now we have “Fitty Cent” and the Gunit. What is a Gunit? It sounds like some kind of medical condition. “Yeah, I have some Gunit growing on my feet.” You sing a song called “In da Club”, and “PIMP”? One, you miss-spell THE. In the other you just repeat four letters over and over again. If you want a good song about letters, it’s called THE ABC’s.
14. Now, I would list the most popular country music singers, but...
15. The Weather channel. What happened to my 6 inches of snow you liars! They get everyone excited about snow. They interview the WINTER WEATHER SPECIALIST who compares it to a storm back in 1967. Then they show pictures of people in blizzards digging their cars out... but unfortunately it’s not from this storm. Then they give us advisories and warnings, and show it’s progress by going to cities that are supposed to get snow... but haven’t received as little as flurries. They have a guy standing in a GORE-TEX jacket on the side of a highway saying how bad things will be. Not a flake (except one, and he’s wearing a jacket that makes him look like Ralph’s brother in A CHRISTMAS STORY) in the sky. Why do they have to show people BUYING SHOVELS? How does that help me??? And then, of course, after all of this extreme crap, we get half an inch of snow.
16. Supermodels and their dogs. You may be one of the world’s top 100 most beautiful people. You may wear $1500 Gucci socks. You may be the first one P. Diddy calls when he releases a new take on “the suit”. Your boyfriend might be able to lift a Delorean with his left foot. But do you really need to spend thousands of dollars to buy matching outfits for you and your Chihuahua????
17. Cell Phone addicts. I saw a few people comparing their cell phones once. They were talking about how this is their 5th phone, they needed a new one because their last didn’t have a very good internet connection. Now they have a phone that has a color screen, wireless internet, plays gameboy games, and has a digital camera. Now I pull out my MOM’S cell phone that I’m BORROWING. It’s ancient. Those fancy cell phones have microchips that are more powerful than this phone. Can I take pictures? No. Can I go on the internet? No. Can it play games? Yes, snake. Does it have “Fitty Cent” ring tones? No, it has The Entertainer. But do you want to know what it does, that yours doesn’t? It is actually used TO CALL PEOPLE. But of course these cell phone addicts have to talk to someone every hour of every day. Ring ring, “HI, I cant talk right now, I'm in a movie. He didn’t! No, way! She’s not really wearing it though? Oh My God! What a slut!” I just feel like taking the phone out of her hand, breaking it in four pieces, then pulling out my ancient phone and saying, “What now, BEEOTCH!”
18. Those little kid movies where everything bad imaginable happens to the bad guy and the little kid sets up traps that the stupidest person in the worlds could get out of, but every time the bad guys run right through. (I essentially described Home Alone 1-4) These movies may be funny the first, oh lets say, one thousand times you see them as a kid. But then... they just suck!
19. Animal Costumes. This is a lot like number 16. Only, instead of Paris Hilton, we have your great aunt Ester, who is 70, and is obsessed with sewing ugly sweaters for her Irish Terrier Franky, named lovingly after Frank Sinatra. Not only does the poor dog have one ugly pink and maroon sweater with his name on it, he has 70 more. Including, one for every major American holiday. Of course, the sweaters are the ugliest things known to mankind. Now, the dog probably already has many many issues after living with a person like that, but do these kinds of people truly need to make their pets even more miserable by putting little outfits on them? They're pets not mannequins, not things you can play dress up with. You want that? Get a My-size barbie doll.
20. Microsoft. They are a monopoly. They say their not a monopoly... as they are buying out a 5-year-old’s “Leminaid” stand. They own like half of the world. In the near future were all going to be drinking Microsoft water version 4.0 and breathing New Microsoft oxygen, now contains 65% more nitrogen than Apple’s! I think, despite who goes to jail, in the end Mickey Mouse, Martha Stewart, and Bill Gates will rule the world.
21. The thought of chess at the Olympics. Need I say anymore?
22. The New Beetle. I didn’t really mind the old Beetle. Sure, it looked funny. But not stupid-funny. It was especially funny seeing 30 or so clowns pack into one of those. But now I hate clowns. Yet, seeing them all pack into a little old Beetle, which then topples over a cliff... it can’t get any better. Yet, they made The New Beetle. This car looks like someone took a minivan and pressed down on the front and back until it turned into an arch. And unlike the guy from the commercials, I don't think the arch is the world’s greatest invention. Why would people buy a car that comes in ugly pastel colors (including Split Pea Soup Green and Ditzy Blonde Pink) and is endorsed by Barbie?
23. Disney. OK, now don’t get me wrong. They have some good movies. Pirates of the Caribbean was awesome beyond awesome. But they use the tired cliché of a rag-tag group that stuns the world by becoming the best of the best. They used it in all 3 of the Mighty Duck movies. They’ve probably used it many many more times that I don’t know about. And now they’re using it again. But why am I happy? Why can’t I wait to see this movie if I hate this cliché so much? Because it’s Miracle. And unlike The Mighty Duck movies, which also happen to be hockey, Miracle is a TRUE story (remember the word TRUE Disney? Apparently not when it’s used with another word, HISTORY. But I’ll talk about that in just a minute) of the 1980 gold medal winning, Olympic US hockey team. Not only did they win gold, but they were all college kids, and they beat the Soviet team, which dominated hockey. This story deserves to be made into a film. This was a great game (I didn’t see it when it happened, for obvious reasons. But thanks to ESPN classic I’ve seen the whole game twice). Now we come to History. The movie Pocahontas was, historically, incorrect. She didn’t marry John Smith, it was John Rolfe. It wasn’t a peaceful meeting between John Smith (yes, there was a John Smith involved, but he was not the one she married) and the Powhatan tribe. They captured John Smith and his men, and killed all of them accept for him. They were about to kill him, but Pocahontas saved his neck (literally). She never talked to a tree, that historians know of at least. So, they Disneyized (to make cute, cuddly, kid friendly, and crappy) the story a lot. That’s not what makes me mad. What makes me mad is Pocahontas II: Journey to the New World. Synopsis: In 1612, after learning of John Smith's death, Pocahontas travels to England to attempt to create a truce between the new settlers and her people. But wait! In reality, she didn’t come to England until 1616, which she did with her husband, John Rolfe. And a truce? Yeah right, she was in England for a year before she died. Kind of ruins the movie doesn’t it, if your main character is dead! Now, fortunately this movie was only a “direct to Disney DVD” movie, and never was played on the big screen. But for all the bad things they’ve done, they have one BIG positive. Think of it like this: you have a very nice car. A friend of yours wants to borrow it while you’re gone. You let him. He fixes up and already nice car by adding a fixed up engine, sound system, and a new paint job. He does it for nothing, accept when your gone he used your car to pick up the ladies, telling them it’s his car. But do you care? You have a sweet new ride! Well, it’s kind of like that. Disney made the best choice when they made a movie with Pixar. Now, several sweet movies later, Disney and Pixar still have THE best animated movies.
24. Coffee. It tastes so bad. I mean, it even looks unappealing. Brown and ugly, it’s like it’s trying to tell you to stay away from it because it tastes worse than it looks. But, it smells so good. I love the smell of coffee, I hate the taste. You'll find me in coffee shops drinking water and sniffing everywhere.
25. The Government. I love the US. It lets slackers like me have their own webpage! But, they do make me really mad, mostly because they feel the need to make everything cool illegal. MP3's now, just because when we don’t buy our music and download it were taking money from our government and from the pockets of greedy record labels. But the thing is, the money we don’t spend buying CD's we save to buy more expensive things that we can't steal (easily) from the safety of our own homes!!!!
26. Math. I don't need it, don’t want it. I can count, add, subtract, multiply and divide, so why do I need to know what X stands for? So they say we’ll use it in life? How many times did you use the quadratic formula yesterday?
27. The Aztec. I don’t know who makes it. I don’t know who buys it. I don’t know who took an SUV and crashed it into a wall until it looked hideous, but they succeeded.
28. Freeze dried ice cream. It tastes like chalk. I know in the 60’s it was popular to eat what the astronauts ate. Things like Tang and freeze dried Ice cream. But I bet when Neil Armstrong got back from the moon and saw little kids eating the same crap he had to eat, I bet he wanted to go back to the moon because everyone on Earth had become a moron.
29. Batman, he's not a superhero!!!!! To be a superhero you have to have SUPER powers, if you pull Timmy O'toole (Simpsons) out of a well you may be a hero, but did you pull Timmy O'toole out with your super strength while wearing your spandex and your mask that conceals you are a normal person who uses his super powers to combat those of an evil genius who's powers are not even close to his, but threatens the life of all of the people in the town with a name that ends with "--opolis" by using his massive army of evil henchman wearing cotton ski masks who all are about the same height and IQ along with a group of evil friends who plot schemes to destroy the town and rid the world of their common enemy whom all have been captured by and eventually escaped!!!! (Breathing heavily) I thought not!!!!! Now you may be saying, well batman has all those things. No, no he doesn’t have ALL of them. You have to have powers that you got
on a distant planet, by being bitten by a genetically-altered spider, or that you got in a freak accident. NOT BEING RICH!!!
30. Hallmark holidays. SWEETEST DAY?!?!?! Why not? We have a holiday completely base on whether or not a small furry animal sees his shadow. If that can be a national holiday, than why can’t Sweetest Day? I’ll tell you why not: if there was a good movie called Sweetest Day, then it would be a good holiday. That’s how Ground Hog Day did it. Until then, tell the NHS to stop trying to sell me carnations... red is for love, pink is for like, white is for friend. Why not black for hate??
31. The E! channel. Their name is misleading. I don’t find “True Hollywood Story: Michael Jackson” very entertaining. I sure don’t find “The Anna Nicole Show” entertaining. But, just recently they became the only channel that shows SNL because Comedy Central sold out and now shows Mad TV, which sucks!
32. Buddy cop movies. Okay, for any buddy cop movie you need this basic cliche:
- A black guy and a white guy, from two different backgrounds and two different styles, come together to save the world.
-The black guy has to be annoying.
-The white guy has to be either stupid or serious.
-There has to be a lot of bathroom humor or girls in bikinis.
-The bad guys have to be Russians, Hispanic, or Middle Eastern.
Now, not all of these kind of movies suck. Oh wait, yes, yes they do. But any great comedian has to be either in a buddy cop movie or a teen sex movie, right? Wrong.
33. Which brings us to number 35, Teen Sex Movies! Ahh yes, teen movies. This cliche is pretty basic as well:
- There’s a big party. Maybe after graduation or Prom.
- Someone brings the beer and they all get drunk .
-Of course, there’s the standard cast of characters: The Jock, the Ditzy Blonde, the sluts, the nerds, the goths, the skaters, the druggies, and the goodie-goodies who become the baddie-baddies by the end of the movie.
-They all have sex.
-The blonde always says something dumb.
-The Jock beats someone up.
-The nerds stand on the outside wanting to be cool.
-The druggies do something like accidentally bring weed brownies and everyone gets high.
... But never.. ever do they get busted for underage drinking, drug use, disturbing the peace... anything!
34. The simple fact that the PBA (professional bowling association) is ahead of the NHL (National Hockey League) in television ratings. Who watches BOWLING?????? Wow, now there’s a sport. Smokey, dimly lit bowling alley. Bowling shoes. Bowling shirt. That isn’t a sport, it’s a game. Like chess. And that’s why they both suck. But billiars is a game too, and I love billiards. It’s one of the best games.
35. Telemarketers. Ah yes. Can there be a list of things that are annoying without Telemarketers? Yet, they are very fun to play with:

Fun with Telemarketers:
-Let them start, sound interested (go "yes", an "uh huh", "I see") Then when they thing they got a sale, click one of the dial buttons (like 5) and wait to see what happens. I did that once by accident and they hung up on me. It was so great.
-Place the phone by a speaker and put on music. Either extremely loud rock where you cant tell what the singers saying (This is the best kind, seriously) or stuff like Kenny G (elevator music). Then just walk away. See how long they will last.
-"Yo no hablo inglés"- Spanish
"Je ne parle pas anglais"- French
"Ich spreche Englisch nicht"-German
"Non parlo inglese"-Italian
"Ik spreek engels niet"-Dutch
"Eu nao falo inglês"-Portugese
"Jeg taler ikke engelsk"-Norwegian
These all mean "I do not speak English"

36. Old Navy Commercials. They take colorful sets, good-old songs, and bad actors, dress them up in Old Navy clothes and make them dance around and maybe sing. How does this sell clothes? It doesn’t. (NOTE: They have one commercial with an actress that has THE single worst voice I’ve heard in my life. Look for it. You’ll know it when you see it.)
37. The fact that the city of Detroit buys garbage from Canada. So Canadians are too clean for their own garbage? I see... yet Americans are dirty enough for it? I see... (Note: Rent Canadian Bacon)
38. FOX part II. Why did they cancel amazing shows Like Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Greg the Bunny, Futurama, and The Pitts. I know, I already went on and on about how bad FOX is. But still, this deserves it’s own section of the list. It’s an outrage!
39. People who sue Mcdonalds because they made them fat. It’s not McDonald’s fault you ate all four meals (which reminds me, there’s only three meals in a day) there. Instead of wasting money on a lawyer and all kinds of court fees, get Liposuction.
40. With 100 channels, why is there never anything to watch on TV? Our choices? Emeril, the news, Bass Fishing, The Golf Channel, soap operas, Telletubbies, and The Kids in the Hall (it’s a Canadian SNL... not as funny). Sound like a good selection?
41. Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Joyce Brown, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Evil... Pretty much anyone with “Dr” in front their name now can have a crappy radio/TV show where they tell 20 year old women what to do with their 30 year old husbands. I’ve listened to these shows before (believe me, I was being forced)... and is it like a standard in the medical profession to be mean to your patients? They like eat these people alive and tell them they should stop whining because life sucks. Well, now we know what happened to that one kid who used to always beat people up and take their lunch money... he grew up to be Dr. Phil.
42. Clip Shows. No, not clips from your Uncle’s trip to Kansas. Clip shows, when a TV show makes a new episode out of clips from old shows strung together. The Simpsons does this a lot. Now, I’m a HUGE Simpsons fan. But when a clip show is on, I won’t watch it. Why do they do that? To give animators a free week? Just put on the ENITRE old episode then, not clips!
43. Sequels to Jim Carrey movies that do not have Jim Carrey in them. First it was Dumb and Dumberer (awful). Now it’s The Son of the Mask! (cries of horror). The Mask was good. Dumb and Dumber was awesome. But making a sequel of a Jim Carrey movie that does not have him in it (or two sequels without him, as it is) is just dumb. He’s what made those movies good. The lack of him is whate made Dumb and Dumberer bad, and what will make The Son of the Mask (despite having Alan Cummings, who was awesome as NightCrawler in X2 , in it) bad.


Well, you've survived the list. Do you disagree with me? Too bad. If you do, you're now number 44.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

A COMB-OVER AND A MAZDA MIATA. NEED ANY OTHER SIGNS THAT YOU'RE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS?

Ok, so it's not really their fault that they happen to be 50 years old, insecure, and ugly... but we'll tear them apart for it anyways. You've seen them, the bald guy who has a comb-over to "cover-up" his baldness, drives a small foreign sports car, wears Polo golf shirts and Ray Bans, and listens to The Beach Boys. You see them driving down the street and you just shake your head. Now, what's wrong with it? First of all, comb-overs do not make you look less bald. You might as well just write "Bald" on your Q-ball and go get it waxed, because a comb-over make just about as much of a statement. Is there some underground comb-over cult or something? It just doesn't make sense. I wouldn't call it a bad hair style (like a mullet), because it's not really a "style". So for our purposes, it's a hair tragedy. Now you may be wondering, "Golly WiseGuy, what's wrong with cute little foreign sports cars?" If you're going to buy a sports car, go all out. Like Opus (from the comic Opus) said, "I want a sports car the size of a !@#$% Abrahms Tank!" And he's a penguin. So if a penguin can get a sweet car, why can't our middle-aged friends? Because, "He thinks he's a loser so he bought a loser car (Big Trouble)." Now Ray Bans and Polo golf shirts... which are fine to wear if you GO GOLFING. But when you're at home watching Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, or Michelle Wie (the idea of our middle-aged friend watching a 14 year old is thoroughly disturbing) on the Golf Channel... that's a different story. I may like watching football and playing football, but I don't sit at home in full pads watching a game. And Ray Bans? Sure, you think you're sexy, but when it's night you can take them off. It's ok. We all know you're a sexy party animal, so take off the Ray Bans, get off the coffee table, and take the lampshade off your head. And finally, The Beach Boys. Personally, I have nothing against them. I dont, wont, never have, or never will consider owning one of their CD's, but if I hear it in a commercial I can honestly smile and say, "Wow, another good song ruined by a fucking commercial." Alone, each of these things is tolerable (accept the comb-over). But mixed together to form one big insecure Cocktail... I'd rather drink arsenic. But for those of you who:
1) Are a middle-aged man with a comb-over, a foreign sports car, who wears Polo golf shirts and Ray Bans, and listens to the Beach Boys
2) And actually come to my website for whatever reason
I will give you a little bit of sympathy. It could be worse...

You could grow a Hitler mustache, wear Members Only Jackets, and drive an H2 (shudders).

(NOTE: WE DON'T SEE VERY MANY OF THESE MIDDLE-AGED GUYS IN MICHIGAN DURING THE WINTER, MOST OF THEM ARE DOWN IN CALIFORNIA DRIVING UP AND DOWN THE STRIP LOOKING FOR A STORE THAT SELLS VIAGRA, PROZAC, OR A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH)

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Why? Why, why, why, why???? What am I mad at now? It's not really new for me to be mad at some TV channel. Last week it was The Weather Channel. Two weeks ago it was FOX for that incredibly dumb looking show "My big, fat, obnoxious Fiance". This week's loser-channel? The HOBO (HBO). The HOBO is so bad it makes me sick. From January 3- February 14, The HOBO is showing 7 two star pieces of crap. The Ring, Just Married, Ghost Ship, Biker Boyz, Half Past Dead, Daredevil, and Kangaroo Jack. You must be thinking, "Well kick me in the crotch, those movies suck!" Yes. Yes they do. (kick) Then why? Why does The HOBO put these BAD movies on TV? It's (LOTR) not (LOTR)
like (LOTR) there (LOTR) aren't (LOTR) many (LOTR) good (LOTR) movies (LOTR) out (LOTR) there (LOTR)!!! But instead of playing something people will watch, they play a futuristic prison movie with Steven Seagal and DMX????? Wow, I'm sure THAT will win an award. You guys might as well just put a clip of the president of The HOBO picking fights with children, because atleast that makes us give a shit! Seriously, get it together! GAH!!

(NOTE: LAST YEAR THE WISEGUY PICKED WHO WAS GOING TO THE NFC AND AFC CONFERENCE GAMES. HE WAS RIGHT. HE PICKED WHO WAS GOING TO GO TO THE SUPERBOWL. HE WAS RIGHT. HE PICKED THE BUCCANEERS OVER THE RAIDERS. HE WAS RIGHT. THINKING HE WAS TOO AWESOME, HE BET MONEY ON THIS WEEKEND'S GAMES. HE CHOSE COLTS OVER PATS, AND EAGLES OVER PANTHERS. WELL, ALL IS SAID AND DONE, AND HE LOST ALL HIS BETS. ANYONE KNOW WHERE THERE IS A COINSTAR, I FOUND SOME DIMES IN THE SOFA




THE WISEGUY'S PICK FOR SUPER BOWL XXXVIII:
PATRIOTS 27, PANTHERS 17

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

I was sitting in class, when I most likely should have been paying attention, and I was thinking. Not only was that a shock, but I was thinking about nudity. In particular, the lack of. Now, it is true that some anatomy is considered "private" and therefore can not be shown by anyone accept the HOBO because they "aren't TV". What's wrong with these parts that they are bad? A guy can walk around on the beach without a shirt, but if a girl does it she can be arrested? That seems kind of moronic to me. So, in order to stop this, I will be wearing a "nose bra" on my face until you turn on the TV and see a documentary on how many nose jobs Michael Jackson has, and instead of seeing his ugly, ugly, ugly white/black man/woman nose, you see one of those fuzzy censored marks. When that happens you can cheer, because I finally beat the system. The nose is no worse than breasts, they both serve purposes, but for some reason women have to cover up. So why not cover your nose? Then there would no longer be indecent exposure charges, because every body part has a purpose, and every part should be allowed to hang out. What do you think of your precious system now? What system you ask??? THE system. I don't know who runs it, or why, but I plan to stop them.


(NOTE: THIS SITE HAS NO DECLARED ENEMYS. WE'RE PACIFISTS (OR WE WOULD BE IF WE KNEW HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN THAT AND A PACIFIER) SO WE LIKE TO BE NICE AND HAPPY WHILE ALLOWING OUR INNER RAGE TO CORK UP, AND EXPLODE IN VOLATILE RELEASES OF ANGER ON TELEMARKETERS AND POLITICIANS. BUT NOW, WE ARE DECLARING WAR ON OUR NEW ENEMY. BRING IT ON MARTHA STEWART, WE KNOW YOUR SECRET.)

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

The WiseGuy was sitting on one of those large plastic chairs that have cup holders on the side floating in a big pool. All around him Giraffes, and CEO's of greedy corporations, and famous cartoonists, and Civit Cats fresh with SARS. The WiseGuy was enjoying himself, when all of a sudden a guy wearing a chicken suit appeared in a little boat, holding a big net. The little boat came up to the side of The WiseGuy's raft. The guy in the chicken suit looked at him. The WiseGuy looked back. They starred at each for about two minutes before the guy in the suit tackled The WiseGuy.

"NO!!!!"

"YES!!!"

"I won't go back!"

"You have to!"

"I was drinking Mr. Pibb! Doesn't that matter to you?"

"Mr. Pibb is just Dr. Pepper if he dropped out of medical school!"

"You lie!"

"You have to go back!"

"NO!!!!"

"YES!!!"

"It's not that bad!"

"Then why don't you go back?"

"Because I can't!"

"Why? If it's so great why don't you go!"

"I can't swim..."

"That's why?"

"yeah"

"..."

"SHUT UP!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"You were laughing."

"Not at you!"

"Then what were you laughing at?"

"... a funny... joke i heard once..."

"Oh yeah? How does it go?"

"I can't remember... it wasn't that funny actually."

"You're lying!"

"No, you are!"

"You have to go back!"

"NO!!!"

"I'll do it!!"

"No you wont... will you?"

"I WILL!"

"grrr"

Thus The WiseGuy was throw back in to chaos after a few minutes of bliss and Mr. Pibb. The man in the chicken suit paddled the boat back to the shore and sat back on his big chair. He would have done it too, but he probably would have been fired. They didn't look kindly upon skinny dipping, but he could see why The WiseGuy didn't want him to. But he liked his job. If he had, he knew he'd get fired. They didn't look kindly on that.

"Nice day Frank?"

"Meh, I can't complain Mr. G."

"Any of 'em try to evolve?"

"Yeah one. He wasn't that smart though. He was drinking Mr. Pibb."

"Yuck, doesn't he knows that's just root beer on 'roids?"

"I guess. Need a towel Mr. G?"

"Yes thank you."

Frank led a simple life. But like most people who couldn't swim, he was given a cushy job. After all...

Even the gene pool needs a Life Guard.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

THE RANDOMNESS CONTINUES PRESENTS:

WHEN "OOPS I DID IT AGAIN" STOPS BEING YOUR HIT SINGLE, AND BECOMES YOUR DEFENSE ATTOURNEY'S PLEA OF INSANITY

A SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE... THINGY


Usually I don't dedicate an entire post to pop music, especially when there are so many more interesting things (STIMPMITS' new musical, the possibility of a snow day tomorrow, and a man who's story starts with the purchase of hundreds of thousands of those vaccuum storage bags that can squeeze a Bull Elephant into a handy plastic bag, and ends with several mis-trials and embarrassing footage that landed on CNN) to talk about... yet with the constant barrage that is the stupidity of pop musicians, I was forced to give in.

So you accidentally got married? "I do? Woops, I thought I was saying 'eye goo', haha" For someone with millions of dollars, a singing voice that is considered a weapon of mass destruction under the Geneva Convention, an acting career that is being compared to such greats as Pauly Shore, Ice Cube, and Snoop Dogg, and a clone (or maybe that's just her sister), Britney Spears sure is stupid. Wait... where was I going with all that information? It doesn't matter. The point it, she should have thought about the thousands of single guys who are now forced to take down their posters and shrines because they don't want to get in a fight with another jealous husband (that last one was a doozy, all I remember was Dennis Rodman was either the husband or the wife... could have been both). Did you think of them before you got married Britney? Your "fans" (sure, I love Britney Spears. What do you mean, do I like her music? SHE'S A MUSICIAN?????) should be the most important people in your life (and you thought only 10 year old girls bought your posters). So after the divorce (we truley wish you a happy and healthy marriage, hopefully that week of wedded bliss won't be too hard on you, but just think; next we you'll be back to having arguments with Justin again) take into acount little sally (a fan since she was 7), little Becka (a fan since she saw you in concert in '01), little Laura (who has been a fan since she bought your CD "Britney" last year) and little Butch and all the guys from the Frat house down the street (fans since they saw you kiss Madonna).

Now, I must say, The King of Pop is the last person we excpeted to see in court... actually, since the picture of him next to the female ape from Planet of the Apes that I saw/made/spread all over the internet... I've been expecting to see him in a zoo. "Mommy, Mommy, I want to look at the abomination!" But if you ask us our opinion on whether or not Michael Jackson should be put in jail because of this... we say no. We're defending him. I mean, if you were that ugly, we'd give you a couple fuck-ups to now-and-then. Did he do the wrong thing? Sure, he's been doing the wrong thing since he was in the Jackson 5 (ABC, 123, we still cant read!). Does he deserve to go to jail? No, he'd be passed around like currency. But does he deserve to remain free? No. I say we put him in a zoo with Barbara Streisand. Oh, and blow up Neverland. Don't worry Peter, not that Neverland. But Michael likes to pretend... boys that never grow up...

STIMPITS sat alone and bored at home the sunday before winter break would end. He was doing what he often spent much of his time doing... imagining what his life would be like as a musical right now... (song starts in the background)

VERSE: OHHHHHHHH I really don't want to go back to my school
I'm better at home while im keepin' my cool
I learned my math 2 weeks ago, it was confusing then
and now I get to go back and learn it over again

CHORUS: So please God, give us a snowday
It's not a big deal, it'd be our first anyway
I swear that I'd go to church Sunday next week
If you give us 6 inches, no, how bout two feet
So if you give us one snow day or possibly two
I'd seriously consider believing in yoooooooou

VERSE: Two weeks of break was never enough
So let's all forget all that useless school stuff
The science was pointless and it made no sense
And I hate it in English when we read present tense

CHORUS: So please God, give us a snowday
It's not a big deal, it'd be our first anyway
I swear that I'd go to church Sunday next week
If you give us 6 inches, no, how bout two feet
So if you give us one snow day or possibly two
I'd seriously consider believing in yoooooooou

END

STIMPITS sighed... maybe... just maybe

Thursday, January 01, 2004

sigh... The first day of 2004 feels a lot like the first day of 2003, but with more confetti, noise-makers, champagne, fire works, Dick Clark... oh wait, this is exactly like 2003. And, now that I think of it, it's a lot like 2002 as well. And 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, 1995, 1994...

But if one thing separates 2004 from all the others (no, not Y2K4... or something), but something more important. Yes, that's right Assholes-who-said-my-site-would-fade-away!!! My site has lasted into 2004!!!!! Uh-oh! The prophecy has come true! Ok, that might be the non-alcoholic wine talking (because we abide by all laws... well we try to. Not everyone is perfect. But alteast we spread our crimes around. Yesterday maybe you killed someone, so next week maybe you'll mix it up a little... oh maybe Grand Theft Auto or money laundering), but you know what? This New Year means jack fooey until we get to MAY 18! Yes, *** *** **** *********** ** *** ***** ** **** ******! So on that glorious day you tell your friends the reason you are wearing a shirt that says "You know, this is society's fault", and slirring your speach because you've not slept since The WiseGuy's last great post, or why you have STIMPMITS tatooed across your chest is because you are celebrating RANDOMNESS DAY. That's right Assholes-who-said-my-site-would-fade-away!!! ! I have a holiday now!

(muffled laughter)


(NOTE: I WAS FORCED TO TAKE DOWN THE ASTERISKED LINE OUT OF FEAR OF A FLOODED EMAIL BOX OF HATE MAIL (OK, LAST TIME I GOT TWO, BUT THAT'S THE MOST MAIL I'VE EVER RECEIVED THAT WASN'T FROM SOMEONE WHO WAS TRYING TO SELL ME INSURANCE OR GIVING ME THE SECRET ON HOW TO MAKE MY (INSERT ANATOMY HERE) BIGGER) THAT I DON'T WISH TO GET THIS TIME. OK, I'LL ADMIT, MAYBE IT WAS A LITTLE OUT OF LINE. NOW, I'LL NEVER SAY WHAT IT SAYS, BUT IF YOU'RE CHRISTIAN (AS I AM, SO IT WAS JUST A JOKE), THEN IT COULD BE REALLY OFFENSIVE. BUT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I SAID, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO WATCH YOUR DICK (CLARK))