The Randomness Continues

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Senile Old Men and Stoned College Students Show Up To Vote... Two Weeks Late


Today, all around the country, senile old men and stoned college students showed up at their local precincts to vote for the president of The United States. Unfortunatley, they're two weeks too late. As most of the country knows, George W. Bush won the election on November 3rd, the day after election day.

"I was wondering what made all of those Conservative pricks so damn sure that George Bush would win," said Charlie Mohr of New York City. I guess knowing that he already won makes their argument that much stronger.

After years of criticizing President Bush, months of chanting "No More Years", and weeks of saying Kerry will do more for the US in one term than Bush did in four... thousands just plum forgot to vote.

One of these people, self proclaimed Liberal, 23 year old NYU student Adam Johnson explained why he forgot to vote. "Dude, so I was like so wasted Monday night, and---so like, me and my friend Doug, we were watching old episodes of Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, and Doug, he's like... like, 'Dude... I think tomorrow is election day,' and I'm like, 'Dude, for your mom, tomorrow's erection day!' And dude, Doug was like, 'Man, don't be talkin' 'bout my dad like that!' And I was all like, 'Man, I was bad mouthin' your mom cuz she's a whore.' And then Doug like passed out on the couch man, so like, yeah... wait, what was I talking about?"

Jack Morris, a 76 year old Vietnam Veteran had a different reason for not voting: "We were in the forest near Saigon, and I could smell the stank of Charlie rising like shit-stank from the swamps. Bobby was just 19, poor bastard, blown to pieces by the gun of some VC mo'fo. I pushed the pieces of flesh from my eyes, dropped down the muddy hill and felta goddamn gooks blood run fresh on my hand as my knife ripped into his throat." Morris's 7 year old grand daughter looked up at him, pretty brown eyes swelling with tears.He looked around. "Veronica... ear muffs!"

Dissapointed, thousands of men like Jack and Adam return to their couches tired, confused, whiney, and bitter...

... In other words, nothing has changed.

"I would have probably voted for Nader anyways," Adam said, "But I'm still pissed. My vote could have made a difference!"

"Vote for the-- what --- of The United States?" Jack asked, confused.

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