TOP 10 EXCUSES FOR NOT VOTING:
10. Can't read, was one of the "children left behind"
9. Was not given enough underwear and ramen by Michael Moore
8. Already voted on American Idol
7. Live in Florida
6. Would probably just end up writing in 'your mom' anways
5. Named Ralph Nader, and do not want to waste vote on self
4. Polls too far away from fridge
3. Couch also
2. Busy playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
TOP 10 EXCUSES FOR NOT VOTING:
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
In a last minute switch, both President Bush and Senator Kerry were replaced with inflatable bop'em clowns for the third, and final of the Presidential debates. When asked why the switch was made, a spokeswoman for the Kerry campaign said, "The senator felt exhausted from all of his travel, his various campaign stops all across the country, and from preparing for the last two debates. We realize this final debate is very important, so we've decided to give (president) Bush a chance."
When asked why they replaced their candidate with an inflatable clown, a spokesman for the Republican Party gave a similar response. "We also realize the third debate is very important," he said, "and we'd like to give Bush a chance as well."
Monday, October 11, 2004
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Vice Presidential Debate is boring as hell until Vice President (and robot) Dick Cheney decapitated North Carolina senator John Edwards.
The Vice Presidential debates were once again boring and pointless this year. That is, until Vice President Dick Cheney decapitated John Edwards and began crushing his head, following one of the Senator's smartass remarks. Cheney's handlers finally managed to shut the Vice President down and remove the badly misshapen head of the formerly handsome Senator Edwards.
A spokesman for the Bush/Cheney campaign spoke about the incident to the media the next day. "We were all surprised when the CheneyBot v 1.3 malfunctioned like that. We thought we had worked most of the Vice President's homocidal rage out in the first 2 versions. But hey, everyone makes mistakes."
The CheneyBot was built back in August when the Vice President died of a heart attack only days after President George W. Bush officially chose him as his running mate. Not wanting to alert the public of the untimely death, the President went to work on designing a replacement for Cheney.
He (President Bush) contacted California Governor (and fellow Republican) Arnold Schwarzenegger. The President saw The Terminator only a few days before the tragic death, and decided to "use the people they used". Schwarzenegger's people called up Visual Effects designer Stan Winston, who immediatley began work on the CheneyBot v 1.0.
Two short months later and the CheneyBot v 2.0 is currently being built. "We believe studies on exactly what happened to the CheneyBot v 1.3 will help make the CheneyBot v 2.0 run smoothly," the Bush/Cheney spokesman said. "Other than fixing any bugs from the previous versions, CheneyBot 2.0 will also feature an updated version of Microsoft Windows XP, a CD burner, a Comcast High Speed Internet connection, Intel Centrino mobile technology, and a free CD-ROM of 5000+ clip art pictures."
When asked if CheneyBot 2.0 will be operational in time to do more campaigning for the 2004 Presidential Elections in November, the Bush/Cheney spokesman said, "We're all hoping to meet that deadline. After all, the American people will only believe the President's lies (specifically, those about the whereabouts of Cheney) for so long."
As for the Vice Presidential candidate to replace John Edwards, Senator John Kerry has announced he plans to appoint a younger, and more handsome clone of himself (made by the Visual Effect's designers behind Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clowns, excuse me, Clones) to the position.