The Randomness Continues

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

What exactly is the commercial for Britney Spears' new perfume trying to say? Does spraying the perfume cause you to see a sudden flash of images (which could then send you into a fit of spasmatic seizures)? Is the scent so strong it makes people compulsively stare at doorknobs? Or does it merely cause you to have sex with someone you just saw at the main desk of a hotel?

All of those questions popped into my head after seeing the commercial for the po(o)p singer's new line of perfume, ironically called 'Curious'. Let's see-- how can I have fun with this?

"This new perfume gave me a Curious rash."
"I'm Curious to know if my skin should feel as 'on fire' as it does."
"I've worn it for a week now, and I'm Curious to find out when I start having spontaneous hotel sex!"
"My daughter started wearing it, and now she's in the hospital because of a seizure. I'm Curious to find out when her feet will stop kicking out at weird angles, and when she'll stop foaming from the mouth!"
"Britney is making a whole lot of money off of Curious, similar to how Jennifer Lopez did off her perfume! How Curious. Their music and movie both suck. Also Curious. And Britney saw how much J-Lo liked getting married several times, and now she's trying it! Again, Curious!"

That was fun! I'm Curious to see where I can take this! (muffled laughter) So will this new fad of celebrities starting lines of perfume (Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton) catch on? I think it will. So who's next?

Musky Old Man in a Can, the new scent from Sean Connery!
Ass and Garlic, the new scent from Bill O'Reilly!!
I'm Too Young to Act Slutty, but I still Do , the new scent from Lindsey Lohan!!!

That's it for now. But I bet this fad will continue. So look for my new scent, Le cologne du Randomnessence!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

All the fans of the Montreal Expos are Saddened by the recent news that their beloved team will no longer be playing in Montreal. Both of them were quite crushed by this news.

"I've loved this team my entire life," said Jim Thompson, lifelong Expos fan. "Sure, they haven't been doing so well recently, but I believe if they were given one more season, they could really turn things around." When asked about the fact that the Expos did not have enough money to even play all of their games in Montreal (many were played in Puerto Rico), Thompson said, "Everyone has money problems. That doesn't effect the team."

He has a point. The team is actually doing decentrly-awful (65-92). They aren't the worst in the league (Arizona is, 48-109). But when it comes to fans in the stands, the Expos have been paying people to come to their games.

Dan LeBlanc, 65, is one of those fans. "I've lived in Montreal all my life. But I've never been a fan of baseball. I started watching the Expos when the Canadiens stopped winning (Stanley) cups in the 70s. It's weird not watching playoff hockey in June, and I guess the Expos filled that void. But a few months ago, an upper management type guy who works for the Expos approached me in the stands. He asked if I'd like to own the team. The guy said he'd give the entire team to me for $100. I told him I wasn't interested."

The news of the Expos moving to Washington DC has hit both men in different ways. "I guess I'll watch the (Toronto Blue) Jays," Thompson said, a little dissapointed. "But it won't be the same. Sitting in Olympic park was great. There were hardly ever any problems when it came to seating."

Areas in light blue, dark blue, grey, yellow, and red represent places no one ever sits. Posted by Hello

When asked what he meant by 'hardly ever', Thompson recalled something that happened a few months ago. "Dan LeBlanc stole my seat. I always sit in 213A. LeBlanc stole my seat. The smart ass said, 'You can have 214A'. I didn't want 214A! I've always sat in 213A, and Dan's always sat in 158C. That's just how it's always been."

When asked about the other 46, 499 seats, Thompson got mad and went to watch the Expos get beaten by the Florida Marlins.

To cover the costs of the building, the Montreal Expos rented Olympic Park out for use on the movie "Independence Day". Posted by Hello

LeBlanc responded in a similar way when asked how he will deal with losing the team. "I don't really care," LeBlanc said, obviously saddened by the loss. "Somethings matter to me. This doesn't. I guess I'll just have to find other places to get drunk at." When asked what he'll do during the NHL lockout, LeBlanc said, "That's different. You see, losing the Expos is like losing your wife. But losing the Canadiens for the season, that's like losing your really hot girlfriend on the side."

What Leblanc was trying to say was, "I think I'll commit suicide."

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I'm one of those people who loves to read. Whether it be books, magazines, newspapers, grocery lists, TV Guides, graffiti on bathroom stalls, or very funny websites.. I'll read it. The last one is what I want to talk about. For years I've been looking all across the internet, from (C:) to shining (C:) (some computer humor), for funny websites with lots of content. And I have found a lot (Maddox, Red vs Blue, HomeStarRunner, The Opinionated Guy, Weebls-Stuff, The Onion, Useless Knowledge, E-baum's World, The Darwin Awards, JibJab, Angry Aliens, Pirates vs Ninjas, Fling The Cow, etc.).

But one website I found recently has become part of my daily routine. This website is BuzzJive! The website features reviews and babbles by two people, T-money and Goofy B. But one of the greatest parts about this website is how we, the people, can put in our two cents. They have a great system for commenting on their reviews and babbles, but the very best part is their Guest Reviews. After going back to this site a few times, I decided to send a handful of my own reviews in.

A few weeks later, I go to their website, and what do I see? An entire babble about yours truley. They also posted two of my guest reviews (and technically they did post a third), and a link to my website. How nice of them! I'll have to remember to send them fruitcakes come Christmas.

So please go to their website, it's worth it (and I need to repay them for all of the free publicity). While you're there, check the place out. Pretty snazy.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Michigan doesn't sound so bad now, does it Florida? Sure, Florida has always been better than us. They have Miami, we have Detroit. They have P. Diddy, we have Eminem. They have their state's likeness appearing in a game that involves murder and car jacking. We have murder and car jacking. But only one thing matters right now: haha, you're getting pummeled by Chuck, Frank, and Ivan.

Every year when Michiganders run away from the snow and hide in Florida, they get criticized. "Snow birds". But now, with three catergory 3+ hurricanes in the last four weeks, Michigan doesn't sound so bad.

Sorry Florida, but you're in for a shock. Just to get even with you, we made certain that there is absolutley nothing to do in this state. Haha, fool on you. When we retreat to your state, we get: Disney Land, beaches, semi-nude women.. who aren't ugly! But when you come here, you only get: unpredictable weather, boredom, and The Tigers. Now you know why we leave.

So when the next hurricane hits, make sure you take a closer look at our state motto: GREAT LAKES... NOTHING ELSE.

Monday, September 06, 2004

A man walks into an upscale French restaraunt, and waits at the podium as the Maitre'd puts on a french accent for the Mayor's wife's sister. The Maire'd turns back to the podium, and says to the man in a Brooklyn accent, "Thanks for waiting."

The Maitre'd leads the man to a small table in the back of the room, drops a menu, and walks away to play "Piere". The man is reading when a waiter approaches him. The waiter coughs. The man continues reading. The waiter coughs again. The man looks up, the waiter smiles. "Do you need a cough drop?" The man asks innocently.

"What would you like to drink, sir," the waiter says in absolute polite hostility.

"A glass of your worst coffee and a cup of your best sugar, please."

The waiter walks away, and returns with a black cup of coffee and white cup of sugar. The man dips his finger into the sugar, then looks up at the waiter walking away. "Excuse me, waiter?" The waiter turns on a dime, and gives the man a smirk that has the same effect as nails on a chalk board.

"Yes sir?"

"This is splenda," the man said, questioningly and disgustedly.

"Yes sir, it is. You asked for the best sugar. Splenda is the best."

"Actually, splenda isn't 'sugar', it's a sugar substitute."

"I see, well sir, that is what we have."

"A French restaraunt only has non-sugar, sugar? I thought French people loved sugar."

"Well sir, I'm not French. We're told to speak with accents. I'm from Wisconsin."

"Then is the owner French?"


"I see." Both men looked at each other for several minutes, before the man broke the silence. "On second thought, I have a pixy stick in my pocket." The waiter walked away in what later the man presumed was some level of disgust.

On the other side of the room, the waiter walked to the table of a woman and her 10 year old son. "Are you ready to order yet, ma'am?"

"Yes. I will take the Quail in the mushroom wine sauce."

"An excelent choice. And for you, sir?"

"Do you have French fries?" The boy asked.

"We have English chips."

"But isn't this a French restaraunt?" The boy asked.

"It is, but French fries are actually Belgian."

"So you serve English chips? French fries might not be French, but they're more French than English chips," the boy said, in what later was taken as sarcasm.

The waiter sighed. "So would you like the English chips then?"

"But I want French fries," the boy whined.

"But they're the same thing, honey," his mother said.

"But I want French fries."

"They are the same thing," the waiter said, losing his patience. "I have an idea, let us just call them fried potatoes, alright?"

"On second thought," the boy said, "I'll take a hamburger."

The waiter sighed. "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have that either."

"That's right, Hamburgers are originally from Germany. What about wonton soup? A pizza?" The waiter glared.

"Is there anything on our menu that you would like, sir," the waiter said, trying to remain polite.

"Yes, I'll take some paella. Oh excuse me, that's Spanish."

"Yes sir, it is. I'll tell you what, sounds like you need more time to think," the waiter said, turning on his heel and walking off. He walked past the man, who stopped him as the waiter attempted to sneak past.

"Excuse me, waiter, there's a-- well-- I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's in my bowl of soup." The waiter turned and attempted to smile, but he could slowly feel his grip on sanity slipping.

"Well," he said, undoing his bow tie, "let me take a look at that." The waiter walked up to the man, and slammed his face into the bowl of soup. After around 3 minutes, the bubbles stopped. The waiter's ghost came down from the sky and tapped the man on the shoulder. The man looked around, and saw no one. But he could have sworn he heard someone faintly say, "There's a waiter in your soup."