The Randomness Continues

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Pardon me, did you say Cheez-its or Jesus?

(WARNING: The following post could be offensive to Christians, Muslims, Buddhist, Hindus, Atheists, and the makers of crackers)

I was watching a re-run of Late Night with Conan O'Brien earlier today. A commercial was on, and I wasn't really paying attention. I mean, I was watching it, and sitting close enough to hear it, but I wasn't really "listening". That's something I use with my mom a lot. Anyways, right before the commercial started, there was one of those messages that says something like, "This show is brought to you by..", then is shows a commercial for the product.

Well, I wasn't listening, so when a message comes up and says, "This show is brought to you by Cheez-its," I didn't hear it right, and thought it said, "This show is brought to you by Jesus." This caught my attention. I started watching the commercial for Cheez-its, and thought to myself, "Is Jesus selling crackers?" It makes sense. The King of Jews wants to eat the King of Crackers! This would be a smart move, considering Cheez-its are considered a primarily atheist cracker. They don't believe in any other crackers, especially not Cheese Nips. This could bring in more Christian snackers.

And suddenly the gate holding back a brilliant idea was ripped off it's hinges, sending dirty thought water shooting all over the place. This could open a whole new level of marketing we had never even seen! Everyone has seen those politcal commercials that say, "This message has been approved by George W. Bush." Why not, "This message has been approved by Jesus"?

This sparks something even stronger than peer-pressure: deity pressure. "Where does Jesus get his oil changed? Why, Pennzoil of course! If it's good enough for a messiah, than it's good enough for your Chevy!"

Then we can have official "Certified by Jesus" stickers on everything. Don't by plain old Bananas, by Bananas that have been given the official Jesus sticker of approval! Which brings us back to crackers. You've seen those crackers that are shaped like cartoon characters, right? Well these are even better! Jeez-its! The official snack of Jesus! Comes in Cheddar, Jalapeno Cheddar, White Cheddar, and Communion waffer!


 Posted by Hello

But this new-found deity commercialization isn't ONLY for Christians! WWE is introducing KABBA-RAMMA: Show Down on the Holy Ground! Buddha is replacing the long time character from Pillsbury commercials, the Pillsbury Doughboy! And even the multi-handed Hindu god Vishnu is getting in on the action! "At Vishnu's Pizza, we can make six pizzas at once! Your pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less, or your salvation is on us!"


 Posted by Hello

The only thing preventing these amazing ideas from hitting the TV is Political Correctness! (angry mutterings)


Jeez-Its, get your own box. Posted by Hello

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