The Randomness Continues

Thursday, July 15, 2004

THE RANDOMNESS CONTINUES PRESENTS:

SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN  EVENTUALLY (part I)

A SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE... THINGY.


As Martha Stewart prepares for her sentencing tomorrow morning, I thought it fitting if we bid The Queen of Crap one last farewell.. atleast for the next 10-16 months (why am I laughing?). Now, I don't like to say I told you so.. (haha, I told you so, you shitheads!) but I have been saying that someday Martha Stewart will get arrested, for atleast the last 3 years. What made me say that? Insanity? Precognition? Drugs? No, simply wishful thinking. But now that she prepares to take one final look at her kingdom of crap, one last sip of her $17 french bottle water, and one last greedy shoving of money into her pockets, I have to say this: It couldn't happen to anyone more deserving. Good luck Martha! Don't drop the soap! (NOTE: that might just be for men's prison, but then again, with the increasing popularity of waking up one morning only to find you are now a woman, who knows!)


THE TOP FIVE WAYS MARTHA STEWART CAN STAY ALIVE IN PRISON:

5. TEACH A CLASS ON HOW TO GET BLOOD AND PUKE STAINS OUT OF ORANGE JUMPSUITS.
4. DECORATE JAIL CELL IN DOILIES AND CURTAINS MADE OF CUT UP TOWELS AND GO INSANE, PRETENDING SHE IS STILL AT HOME, UNTIL HANDED OVER TO THE NICE MEN WITH THE BACKWARDS JACKETS AND NICE PADDED WALLS.
3. RAT ON AS MANY PEOPLE AS SHE CAN (after all, everyone already hates her. There's no where to go from here except down!).
2. BRIBE THE GUARDS WITH FREE TUPPERWARE FOR THEIR WIVES IN EXCHANGE FOR STOCK OPTIONS AND LOBSTER.
1. START AS MANY FIGHTS AS POSSIBLE UNTIL LOCKED IN THE SAFETY OF SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. THEN GO INTO HIBERNATION CYCLE UNTIL THE MOTHERSHIP ARRIVES.


Part II tomorrow, after the sentencing!

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home