The Randomness Continues

Monday, July 26, 2004

Once again, it was Friday night, and The WiseGuy was at home watching re-runs of Leave it to Beaver while eating Cheetos. Unaware of the startling effects of digesting too much artificial cheese flavoring, The WiseGuy continued eating until he suddenly passed through the fabric of time (which was soft and pleasant smelling because of the Lavender Rain scented fabric softener of time). He fell through time, and landed hard on the ground. He stood up, dusted himself off, and looked around. He was on a playground. Suddenly he heard a voice.

"Hey mister." He looked down at a little girl. "Will you tell that boy over there that I think he's cute?" The WiseGuy was somewhat confused, but agreed to it. He walked over to the boy who was sitting on the swings surrounded by his friends.

"Uhh, hi, yes. That girl over there," The WiseGuy said, pointing at the little girl,"told me she thinks you're cute."

"Well," the boy said, "Tell her I think she's a poo-head." All his friends laughed. Ahh yes, Elementary School, back when anything with the word "poo" in it was golden, The WiseGuy thought. He walked over to the girl.

"What did he say?" she asked quickly, looking up at him with wide eyes.

"Umm, he said he-- thinks you're-- very--," Suddenly The WiseGuy was noticing how the sky looked alarmingly similar to the grass. He then realized he was lying face first on the ground. He once again stood up and dusted himself off. A little boy walked up to him.

"Watch out for my kickball," the boy said innocently.

"Thanks for the warning," The WiseGuy responded sarcastically. He handed the kid the red ball, then suddenly stopped. "Hey kid," The WiseGuy said, "What's your name?"

"The WiseBoy," the kid responded, turning around and promptly knocking 4 other kids over.

The WiseGuy stood in shock. "I just met myself in the past," he said to himself, "Who knows what effects this will have on the future!" Behind him a swingset turned into a tank.

The bell rang, and the kids started walking inside. The WiseGuy followed them until the teacher stopped him. "Excuse me, who are you?" she asked.

"I am-- uhh-- a---," he decided it would be easier just to karate chop her in the neck instead of answering her question. He stepped over her body, and walked into the classroom.

"Hi, I'm your substitute teacher, Mr. The WiseGuy," The WiseGuy said, writing his name on the black board. "Your teacher called in sick this morning."

"No she didn't," a geeky kid said, "You just punched her in the face and she's currently lying unconscious outside."

"Actually, it was a karate chop," The WiseGuy said, annoyed. "And shouldn't you raise your hand? Go to the Principal's office!" All the other kids laughed. The WiseGuy walked to the teacher's desk, and picked up her lesson plan. He flipped through a few pages, then threw it in the trash can. He looked up at the clock. "Well, it's time for recess again." All the kids cheered and got up. But the real teacher was blocking their path out the door.

"Children, sit back down," she said through clenched teeth. "And as for you," the teacher said, walking towards The WiseGuy, "You better be ready to to get beaten, because I have a black belt."

"And my belt is made of twine and duct tape," The WiseGuy stated simply. "What's your point?"

She ripped off her blouse and skirt to reveal a ninja outfit. In one swift movement, she picked up two rulers and a paper clip and made a pair nunchuks.

"Wow, you Elementary School teachers sure are pretty creative," The WiseGuy said, fashioning his own weapon out of Crayola Markers. "But, unfortunatley for you, I watched a lot of McGyver!" He swung his flimsy sword in the air. The teacher ran at him.

Just before they hit, he felt himself getting sucked back through time. When he came out the other side, he landed hard on a table, which then broke in half, sending bingo chips flying through the air, and old people flying to the floor. The WiseGuy stood up and looked around. In front of him an old man was sleeping. He immediatley recognized the face as his own, only a little more wrinkled, but still a devilishly handome fellow. TheWiseGuy walked up to the man and tapped him on the shoulder. Nothing. He tapped him again, and still nothing happened. He tapped him harder, and continued tapping on him until his taps became more like punches. Suddenly the man woke up.

"What the?" The man looked around confused. "Where am I? Who am I?" The WiseGuy put his hand on the man's shoulder, but soon found his nose hurting more than it did as the old man's cane hit him in the face. "Who the devil are you," the old man asked.

"I was wondering the same thing about you."

"Well I asked first," the old man responded stubbornly.

"And I asked second," The WiseGuy said sarcastically, "Just answer the question."

"I think you should answer first because--," the man suddenly hit The WiseGuy in the kneecap with his cane. The WiseGuy fell to the floor.

"Ok, ok. My name is The WiseGuy."

"The WiseGuy, eh? I'm The WiseMan."

Now I met myself in the future. Man, I think I'm going senile.

"Actually," The WiseMan said, "I've been senile for a while. Sometimes I forget I'm senile though." He paused. "Who are you?"

"You read my mind!" The WiseGuy was once again shocked.

"Your what now?"

"You responded to something I thought."

"Oh yeah, that happens once in a while. So does this," The WiseMan pulled his face off, revealing an alien. Suddenly The WiseGuy felt himself being pulled back into time. Too bad, the alien looked pretty cool.

Suddenly The WiseGuy was back in his living room. He shrugged, and sat back down on the couch and started eating Cheetos again. Suddenly Jarrod from Subway walked into his living room, followed by a camera crew.

"As you saw, it's important to eat right. Junk food ruins your body and your mind. So you should run out to Subway right now, and buy hundreds of our sandwiches, because you're all fat! You're like my stupid brother," suddenly Jarrod turned into the devil. "THAT STUPID FAT BOY, I'M GLAD I KILLED HIM AND STOLE HIS HUGE PANTS,  BECAUSE WITHOUT THESE PANTS, I WOULDN'T HAVE A SUCCESFUL COMMERCIAL." He quickly returned to plain old Jarrod. "I lost 300 pounds by eating Subway, exercising, lifting the bags and bags of money I used to pay for my lyposuction operations, and of course KILLING MY BROTHER!"

The WiseGuy tackled Jarrod and started punching him in the face. "Can you hear me now, JACKASS?" Between punches to the face, Jarrod managed to tell The WiseGuy that he wasn't the "Can you hear me now? guy", but in fact, was the man who claimed to have lost 300 pounds by eating Subway. The WiseGuy continued pumeling him until he turned into the devil, and both were sucked down into the bowels of hell.

The WiseGuy woke up sweating. "Man, that sure was a bad dream."

"Tell me about it," a strange man lying in bed next to him said. "By the way, Can you hear me now?" The WiseGuy screamed.

He woke up again, but this time he was really awake. "Man, that sure was a bad dream."

"Tell me about it," another strange man lying in bed next to him once again said.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Mr. Wendy's."

"Are you with Wendy's?"

"I'm unofficial."

"THAT MEANS NO YOU LYING BASTARD!" The WiseGuy slammed Mr. Wendy's head into bed post repeatedly, then fell fast asleep.

(NOTE: I have no clue where any of that came from. I don't make decisions here, I simply keep telling until my brain tells me to stop)


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