The Randomness Continues

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Each year people across the country stumble into their basements, only to be trapped under an avalanche of old clothes, christmas ornaments, odds and ends, Aztec gold, and anything else that happened to have crawled into the basement to die. That's when, after a prolonged period of scratching their heads and pretending to be thinking deeply, they realize it's time for a garage sale. Oh garage sales, what would we do without you? You give us the perfect opportunity to dump our old crap on other people! All we have to do is haul it out, throw a sticker on it, and sell it to our neighbors (who then use it for a short ammount of time, and throw it back into it's old habitat, a basement: fuel for future garage sales). With the money you make, you can almost pay for the cost of the gas that you used to go to the store to buy the stickers. But still, if you don't think too hard, it sounds like a good idea.

Or you can donate it to such groups as the Salvation Army or The Purple Heart for a tax deduction. On second thought, the feel of cold hard cash in your greedy hands is so rewarding.

But neither of those are for people like me. I take more drastic actions, resorting to what I refer to as GUERILLA GARAGE SALES. Instead of waiting for someone to come along and buy your exercise bike that is missing both it's seat and peddles or your partially metled toaster-- get rid of it quickly and easily by digging a hole in the middle of nowhere, filling it with a mixture of your old crap, and explosives. Then light the the fuse, run for cover, and tell the police someone stole everything in your basement, including your collection of Picaso's, your briefcase of lost Elvis recordings, and your Oscar. (Insurance fraud? What the hell is that?) Sure, some people call this "dangerous", and "illegal", but it sure beats doing extra work. That's the American way: do everything fast. Sure, we could do it the right way, making sure it was a quality product. But who are we, Japan? No! We're America, the only country where the corners are cut for you!


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