The Randomness Continues

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Wow, summer is so great. It gives me the freedom to enjoy such timeless childhood pastimes, as:
-sleeping until the guy who delives the newspaper wakes me up around 3:00pm. Or, on mondays, the garbage men at 2:00pm.
-Seeing all the quality daytime programing I've missed while going to school. Oh Maury, what would I do without you?
-Preparing for next life. Possibly a cat, or other nocturnal animal. Haven't decided yet.
-Gives me more time to appreciate the opinions of others. Specifically, a certain Newark Star Ledger writer (ha!).

Ok, that last one was a lie. But hey, I'm still having a lot of fun being a complete waste of a human being, and a total lazy oaf. It's just so great, looking out at the busy working world, and instead, reading an entire magazine from cover-to-cover, without picking up a single word. Just to celebrate, I decided to prove that the entire canine world is being scammed by flavored tennis balls. You might be wondering several things. First of all, "Wow WiseGuy, how did you figure that out?" I'll answer that later, because frankly, the second question is far more interesting. "Gee WiseGuy, who the hell cares?" Well, considering about 40% of American households own atleast 1 dog, and there are an estimated 293,027,571 people living in the US (according to The CIA World Fact Book), that means an astonishing 11,721,102 people own dogs. I then realized how I can save those people thousands and thousands of dollars. On PetCo.com, you can buy a two-pack of Petsport Peanut Butter Balls for $3.99. It turns out, Wilson sells a 24 can box of plain tennis balls for $58.25. This box contains 72 balls. It would cost $143.64 to buy that many Petsport Peanut Butter Balls. With the $85.39 you'll save, you can even buy several bottles of Peanut Oil, and make your own peanut butter balls (mmmm)! Now, you might be wondering, "Well gosh WiseGuy, what dog would need to chew that many tennis balls in it's lifetime?" I'll tell you what kind of dog!! well, almost any dog, really. The average life expectancy of a dog is 12.8 years. And, according to a very reliable source, a dog can thorougly chew 18.6 tennis balls a year. That means, an average dog will thorougly chew 238.08 tennis balls in their lifetime. If you buy from PetCo, that will cost you $478.8. But, if you buy the 24 can box from Wilson, it will only cost you $193.97. And, according to my reliable source, it will take 5, 16 oz bottles of Peanut Oil to cover 240 tennis balls, which will only cost you $27.65! That brings the grand total $221.62! By using this startling information, the 40% of American Households will save $3,014,433,013! Just think, that money can be used to help decrease the national debt, feed the hungry, cure cancer and AIDS, or just be quietly funneled back into the pockets of the rich! God bless America!

(NOTE: I seriously do not know what the hell made me do math outside of school. But hey, if it's for a noble cause, such as making the rich even richer in a system that looks a lot like the American Economy under J. Edgar Hoover, then I'll do it!)

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