The Randomness Continues

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Occasionally I find an article that catches my eye. Not because it is interesting or particulary well written, but because it is so stupid. I find myself stopping to read these incredibly stupid articles, even though I know they are a waste of time. Today I saw an article that made me scratch my head.

Peter Coors, a Republican senate candidate is hoping to lower the national drinking age from 21 to 18. Personally, I think that is a good idea, considering at the age of 18 you can vote and join the military. I'm not the first one to think of that. Yet, Mr. Coors (also the owner of the Coors beer company.. coincedince?) came up with an even better reason than that. "Young people drink anyway and the government has made them criminals." So-- is he saying, because people already break the law, we should change it so they don't have to? Wait a minute, I was under the impression that teenage drinkers are "criminals" because there is a law that says they aren't allowed to drink. But apparently that isn't the case. From what Mr. Coors says, they're drinking anyways, so we should make is easier for them by lowering the drinking age to 18. Who wins from this? Not the government, they will now have more people legally drinking, then doing other illegal things, like driving drunk. Teenagers? No, they just get drunk and become stupid (NOTE: It's a proven fact that drinking alcohol makes one fat, stupid, and causes you to belch a lot. According to The Simpsons, atleast). Beer companies? Hmmm. They are the only ones who seem to benefit from this. The drinking age is lowered, more people are allowed to drink, more money for them.

So in the end, my theory is that Peter Coors is just looking out for 18-21 year olds, and trying to keep them from becoming criminals, by making the illegal act they were doing, legal! The only comparisons that come to my mind are such great American heroes as Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Hey, now I've got an idea! 11.6% of the total US population is addicted or abuses drugs! That's almost 34 million people! That is a lot of people! I bet many of those people are considered "criminals" by the mean old government. It isn't fair for the mean old goverment to make laws that prohibit those people from doing drugs! So lets just make all drugs legal! Thank you Peter Coors, for opening my eyes!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Recently, the new Michael Moore documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11 has been causing some controversey. It seems like everywhere you look, you see something about this movie. Tonight he's on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. A few weeks ago he appears during the MTV movie awards. And all this week the headlines have been talking about how he is fighting the MPAA to remove the movie's 'R' rating. Is it just me, or are other people sick of hearing about this movie?

Sure, I've heard it's really good. In fact, it recently won the Palme D'Or at the 2004 Cannes Film Festival (NOTE: Only two movies I like have won that award, The Piano and Pulp Fiction (FURTHER NOTE: Pulp Fiction director Quentin Tarantino was the president of the jury at the 2004 Cannes Film Fest). Sure, that's a big thing, but look where Cannes is held. France. Who is strongly apposed to the US government under George W Bush? Hmm. Coincedince? Probably not.

Now, as I've said before, I'm neither a Bush supporter, or a Bush hater. He has made some bad decisions for this country, but most people already know that. So why make a movie about it? Because Michael Moore feels he should take events people already know about (9/11 and Columbine), and make a movie about it. Why not do something different for a change? Instead of the normal documentary about a national tragedy, conspiracy, or scandal... why doesn't he make, say, a buddy cop movie?

There we go. Idea of the week. If Michael Moore makes a buddy cop movie, I will wear a dress. Interested in this? Send him an email at,and tell him all about it.

Okay... which one is the bride? Posted by Hello

(NOTE: My dear friend Stephen Whitty apparently liked this movie. But as we know, that man is full of shit. Want more proof: Just How Wrong Stephen Whitty Is!)

(FURTHER NOTE: It turns out Michael Moore has made mo(o)re (haha) that just documentaries in his career. It turns out, he made one of the greatest movies ever. I probably should have been aware of this, considering I've seen this movie some hundreds of times. Oh well. As great as Canadian Bacon is, a Michael Moore buddy cop movie would still be cool.)

Monday, June 21, 2004

The WiseGuy sat staring into a window. The problem, however, was that he wasn't actually looking out a window, he was looking in a mirror. But it wasn't a normal mirror. Instead of seeing himself, looking back at himself, he saw a window. The WiseGuy looked over his back, to where the reflection seemed to be coming from, but there was nothing there. Confused, he reached out and touched the window, which suddenly exploded.

After brushing the various pieces of broken glass off himself, The WiseGuy looked into another mirror. Instead of seeing the window he had previously seen, or his reflection, he saw himself. Now, most people say seeing yourself would be seeing your reflection, but not if the self you see is not the self you normally see when you see yourself in a mirror. The self he saw was different from the self he normally saw, in that the self he saw was wearing a quite large, pink party hat. The self he normally saw was not wearing a quite large, pink party hat. Other than the pink party hat, there was something else different about the reflection: behind the reflection that wasn't a reflection, there was the window which wasn't there. Except, now, it was there. Not only was it there, but a bird had just ran into it.

Feather were falling from the screen, when The WiseGuy opened the window to see if the bird was okay. "Hey bird," he said, "Are you okay?"

"..." The bird responded.

"Do you need help?"

"..." The bird one again did not respond.

"A band-aid? A ladder? A hard drink?"


The WiseGuy decided the bird was either dead, or anti-social. Whichever it was, he decided he'd go back to the mirror where the reflection of himself that wasn't quite himself was. The reflection wearing the party hat was sitting in a chair, playing with a noisemaker, and looking very bored. The WiseGuy stood up, and touched the mirror, thinking perhaps being exploded would liven up the party. But instead of shattering, nothing happened at all. Well, atleast for almost 17 minutes.

After 17 minutes, a bird promptly smashed into the reflection that wasn't quite a reflection, damaging his party hat. Concerned, The WiseGuy walked to the window in the mirror, opened it up, and climbed out. Suddenly, the reflection that wasn't quite a reflection was replaced with a bird that was now wearing a very beaten up party hat. Instead of the normal cone, the party hat had a whole on the top, and was covered in duct tape.

As The WiseGuy was looking at the bird, a hand reached down, and pulled the hat off of the bird. The WiseGuy looked up to see the reflection which wasn't quite a reflection close the window in the mirror, which turned out to be neither a window or a mirror. In fact, it was most certainly a washing machine. Pouring in some bleach, the reflection that wasn't quite a reflection hit a button, starting the spin cycle.

When he was done, The WiseGuy was hung on a wash line, until a bird picked him up, and built a nest out of him.

When The WiseGuy woke up, he gasped. For the first time, the really, really strange crap happened before he woke up.


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Wow, summer is so great. It gives me the freedom to enjoy such timeless childhood pastimes, as:
-sleeping until the guy who delives the newspaper wakes me up around 3:00pm. Or, on mondays, the garbage men at 2:00pm.
-Seeing all the quality daytime programing I've missed while going to school. Oh Maury, what would I do without you?
-Preparing for next life. Possibly a cat, or other nocturnal animal. Haven't decided yet.
-Gives me more time to appreciate the opinions of others. Specifically, a certain Newark Star Ledger writer (ha!).

Ok, that last one was a lie. But hey, I'm still having a lot of fun being a complete waste of a human being, and a total lazy oaf. It's just so great, looking out at the busy working world, and instead, reading an entire magazine from cover-to-cover, without picking up a single word. Just to celebrate, I decided to prove that the entire canine world is being scammed by flavored tennis balls. You might be wondering several things. First of all, "Wow WiseGuy, how did you figure that out?" I'll answer that later, because frankly, the second question is far more interesting. "Gee WiseGuy, who the hell cares?" Well, considering about 40% of American households own atleast 1 dog, and there are an estimated 293,027,571 people living in the US (according to The CIA World Fact Book), that means an astonishing 11,721,102 people own dogs. I then realized how I can save those people thousands and thousands of dollars. On, you can buy a two-pack of Petsport Peanut Butter Balls for $3.99. It turns out, Wilson sells a 24 can box of plain tennis balls for $58.25. This box contains 72 balls. It would cost $143.64 to buy that many Petsport Peanut Butter Balls. With the $85.39 you'll save, you can even buy several bottles of Peanut Oil, and make your own peanut butter balls (mmmm)! Now, you might be wondering, "Well gosh WiseGuy, what dog would need to chew that many tennis balls in it's lifetime?" I'll tell you what kind of dog!! well, almost any dog, really. The average life expectancy of a dog is 12.8 years. And, according to a very reliable source, a dog can thorougly chew 18.6 tennis balls a year. That means, an average dog will thorougly chew 238.08 tennis balls in their lifetime. If you buy from PetCo, that will cost you $478.8. But, if you buy the 24 can box from Wilson, it will only cost you $193.97. And, according to my reliable source, it will take 5, 16 oz bottles of Peanut Oil to cover 240 tennis balls, which will only cost you $27.65! That brings the grand total $221.62! By using this startling information, the 40% of American Households will save $3,014,433,013! Just think, that money can be used to help decrease the national debt, feed the hungry, cure cancer and AIDS, or just be quietly funneled back into the pockets of the rich! God bless America!

(NOTE: I seriously do not know what the hell made me do math outside of school. But hey, if it's for a noble cause, such as making the rich even richer in a system that looks a lot like the American Economy under J. Edgar Hoover, then I'll do it!)

Friday, June 11, 2004

Mushroom Picture Collection: Part I

Mushroom and family. Posted by Hello

Mushroom and mortal enemy, little stone cat. Posted by Hello

Mushroom and shoes. Posted by Hello

That is just so cool. Bravo mushroom, bravo. Posted by Hello

Mushroom posing. Posted by Hello

Mushroom and friend. Posted by Hello

Back with nature. Posted by Hello

Mushroom on a throne? I'd bow. Posted by Hello

And the picture that started it all...

Possibly the coolest picture I ever took of a stone mushroom and a ceramic cheetah. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Earlier in the day I saw an interesting link to for a music trivia game, in which you could win free downloads, or something (I'm not quite sure why, considering at the moment I'm breaking the law by downloading from Kazaa! Come arrest me!). Anyways, it's not the promotion or the game that I want to talk about. As the page was loading, a little pop-up appeared requiring you give your ID. The following things made little, or no sense:

1)Why are minors not allowed to go to a beer website? It makes no sense. We can't get intoxicated through the website. The website isn't going to change someone's mind about whether they want to drink under-age (wow! That website was so awesome, I'm going to go get a fake ID!)or not. There is no reason to limit the age. Now, for some websites with adult content, having a warning is a standard thing. And that makes sense, because there is actual content that people under 18 aren't legally allowed to see (legally, a lot do anyways). But there was nothing harmful about the website.
2)Under the choices were many, many years that are after 1983. What's strange? Anyone with a birthday between 1984 and 1998 (the latest year posted (they would be 6, which seems a little young to be: a) using the internet, b) going to, and c) going to a beer website. But hey, that's just me))are obviously too young to drink. And since they make it clear that you should be over 21 to be on the website (at the top), why make incorrect answers available? This isn't an exam, I already took one of those today.
3) And finally, shouldn't all products that have a restricted age require me to identify my year of birth? You would think so. However, Cigarette websites seem to have been clued out on this.

Well, now that I know I'm not supposed to go to beer websites, even though it's not something I want to do, I will make a habit of going to them more often. You hear that 'King of Beers' ('President of Beers', 'Fuhrer of Beers', 'Kim Jong III of Beers', it doesn't matter)? I'm rising up against your system! I will commit 'hops and barley Regicide!!!!!'

(NOTE: School is out! More posts!)

Friday, June 04, 2004

The official website for the very first Randomness Films movie is now up. Yes, that's right. I'm making a movie. Cool in a Jar: Official Website

(NOTE: Oh, by the way, STIMPMITS is in it too)