The Randomness Continues

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Valentines Day. To some, it means another time of the year to spend all or their money on buying their girl friends a $1000 ring, just for her to dump them for the pizza boy. For others, they spend their Valentines Day in a chocolate induced depression, feeling bad for themselves because they are single, ugly, they can't cook Ramen soup, and they haven't bought all of the Star Trek movies on DVD yet. Then, there are people who spend the day drinking beer and watching Kung-Fu movies, only to remember it's Valentines Day at 7:00 at night, while their girl friend is waiting for them at a fancy french restaurant. But for me, I plan to sleep through the entire day. I'm just skipping the entire day. Not because I'm like any of those three kinds of people. But, because I understand how much of a scam this day is. There is no purpose. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to remember to do romantic things just for one day a year. If you truly love them, you should do it every day. But instead, Hallmark bumps up prices for everything that is colored red or pink. So if you're not the 366-day-a-year-romantic, you're going to be shelling out extra for everything because you're a typical loser guy who needs this one day to prove you're not a typical loser guy. But it just shows how much of a loser you are. Here:

100% Loser: On Valentines Day you bought your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband chocolates, a new ring/3 Iron, took them to a fancy restaurant where all the chefs are named Piere, and then rented their favorite movie (Sleepless in Seattle/The Terminator). They invited you back to their place.
80% Loser: You bought her a Vermont Teddy Bear/ him a new putter, and spent the evening at your house listening to Barry White and having a romantic, home-cooked (or better yet, disguise take out as your own) food in a candlelit room. She called you the sweetest thing and made out with you.
60% Loser: You bought her/him a big box of their favorite chocolates, a sweet car, roses, and took them out to see Love Don't Cost A Thing, in hopes that maybe the title will rub off on them. They made out with you, because the movie really sucked and that's the only thing there was to do.
40% Loser: You bought them some chocolates (any kind), a corny card, and some $2 carnations. You had McDonalds and watched an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.They dumped you.
20% Loser: You showed up, uninvited, to her house with your heavy perfume on, and some chocolates you bought at the dollar store. She called you a fool, slapped you, and slammed the door in your face.
0% Loser: You stayed at home and watched Divorce Court while eating Cheetos.

Now, you may be thinking, "Well golly Jee WiseGuy, the person you labeled as "100% Loser" sounds like the perfect guy, and the person you labeled as "0% Loser" sounds like a dateless wonder! Are you stupid?" No, I'm not stupid. The "100% Loser" is a fake. He's not like that the rest of the year. The rest of the year, he's like the "0% Loser". But on Valentines Day, he cleans his act up to make up for all the crap she's put up with. He's a poser, as bad as Milli Vanilli, and almost as fake as Pamela Anderson. But the "0% Loser" is like that all year round. He's not fake. He's just the kind of guy who would rather spend his money greedily on himself, than waste it to go to an expensive restaurant where you get portions that are too small for my dog. Now really, who is the true loser here? Sure, one of them is lonely, depressed, and will probably hate himself for never trying, and the other is atleast getting lucky once a year, but who is a better person? That's right!

(NOTE: I SWEAR, I'M NOT JEALOUS (bitter grumbling))


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