The Randomness Continues

Saturday, February 14, 2004

There are a lot of problems in society. Terrorism. War. Murder. Disease. Prime time television. But now I have come to realize there is one larger, scarier problem that we face each and every time we go to the grocery store: three little words that have been tacked on to food packaging. These three words (technically two words, and a phrase) are: Diet, Extreme (or X-treme, or Ex-stream (not so much the last one)), and Quick and Easy. We'll start with Diet.

(NOTE: I DO REALIZE THAT A REALLY FUNNY GUY WHO HAS A REALLY AWESOME WEBSITE HAD AN ARTICLE ABOUT HOW BAD EXTREME MARKETING SUCKS. I READ IT, AND I'M NOT PLAGIARIZING IT. IT TURNS OUT, I HATED THIS STUFF BEFORE I READ HIS ARTICLE. AND TO PROVE THAT MY RANT, AND HIS ARTICLE, ARE DIFFERENT, HERE IS THE LINK TO HIS ARTICLE SO YOU CAN READ IT, THEN YOU'LL SEE HOW THEY'RE DIFFERENT: HIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.)

Main Entry: [4]diet
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English diete day's journey, day set for a meeting, from Medieval Latin dieta, literally, daily regimen, diet (taken as a derivative of Latin dies day), from Latin diaeta
Date: 1565
1 : a formal deliberative assembly of princes or estates
2 : any of various national or provincial legislatures

Somehow, I think there might be more than one definition of diet in Websters, but that doesn't really matter. The thing is, people are obsessed with diets. It's as if they were dumb, deaf, blind, and mute all of those years when they were eating bacon-wrapped, fudge-stuffed, sugar-frosted, deep-fried, balls of pork fat. But now that it's "cool" to be able to see your toes, they've decided to eat and drink (and sniff, smoke, snort, and all other forms of consumption) only diet, fat-free, sugar-free, low calorie, low carb (low flavor) products. Really. You've become 400 lbs, and now you're deciding to order a Diet Coke with your Triple Cheese Bacon heartclogger (excuse me, hamburger), instead of a lard smoothie. But the problem isn't that you're fat. It's that you're being fooled by diets. Here's a diet for you: stop eating, you blimp! But no! You have to buy only Atkins approved food, or Slimfast. Here's another diet: Stop eating twinkies, you Ho-Ho! If you care so much how you look, get lyposuction! Don't give Dr. Atkins (Whom, by the way, died of a heart disease!) your money! Don't fall into Whoopie Goldberg's mind trap! Don't believe Al Roker! There are three guaranteed ways to lose weight:
-Eat Healthier
-Get lyposuction
-Cut your legs off
Trust me! You may be spending $400 a week to buy crates of a Swedish miracle drink that makes you lose 5 lbs a week, or you can eat a salad every night for dinner. You can starve your self, and become bulemic, or you can jog every day. You can spend thousands of dollars buying The Total Gym, and Jack LaLane's power juicer, or you can join a gym. And just stay far, far away from hypno-weight-therapy.

Extreme sports. The X-games. Extreme Beach Volleyball. X-treme Jello. X-rays. Ok, maybe not X-rays. I don't know what it is about Extreme that requires it to be put on EVERYTHING! I think some marketing executive, sitting in an office building in the 50th story of The Jello company's headquarters, decided that Jello Cups are missing a key demographic: 13-19 year olds who listen to punk music and skateboard. So the obvious answer: just slap X-TREME on it, and poof! Here they come, running into stores, to get new-and-improved X-TREME JELLO CUPS! How awesome! But, in reallity, X-TREME jello cups taste exactly like "normal" Jello cups. (gasp). You mean they don't have anything special in them? No chemical X? No ground up steroids? No drugs of any kind? Not even old copies of Skateboarding magazines???? Wow! So we're being screwed over to believe that X-treme Jello Cups are something special?? Hardcore Jello maybe? Yes. And is it? No. But will that keep them from releasing X-TREME Hummus? No. Extreme Dencher Glue? No. It won't do anything to them, because they don't care. The customer does come first, because the customer has money. But once the customer has pair for it, they don't care more or less what we think! (gasp). So unless I have a Jello Cup that burns my tongue off because it is so extreme, I'm never eating a Jello Cup again.

And finally, Quick and Easy. We no longer have time to actually do anything, because we're so busy getting plastic sugery, and seeing Jennifer Lopez movies, that we no longer have time to actually cook our families a meal. We have 3 minute recipes to create an entire 5 course meal, blended into one handy brownish casseroule made by Kraft, which we will probably burn because Oprah came on early. Please. Soon, we won't eat anymore. We'll set up a way to use the hours we sleep to do everything else we don't want to do: eat, learn, think, listen to people while they talk, do our taxes, read The Randomness Continues, and anything else that just plain sucks! Everything can't just be quick though, it has to be easy. No longer are we smart enough to do anything, we have to be told that everything is easy so we don't get stuck doing something that proves how ignorant we are. "Hi! I'm an idiot who can't cook normal peas, so now I have Quick and Easy peas that are fool-proof!" Congratulations! Baby animals are kicked out into the wild to fend for themselves, at the age of one. You're in your 40s, and you're just learning how to make instant oatmeal. If you were a bear, you would be on some old guy's wall. In 100 years, no one will have time or intelligence to do anything. We will have computers that do everything, from cooking and cleaning, to shaving and feeding us, because we're too busy watching Infomercials and buying things off of the internet. It will be like having a computerized version of your mother. I am so not looking forward to the future.


(NOTE: I hate grocery shopping!)

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