The Randomness Continues

Friday, January 23, 2004

(NOTE: Big news today. I have permanently deleted The Randomness after reading it and realizing it has little or no content compared to The Randomness Continues. Now the only good content it had, THE LIST, has been pulled out, cleaned up, patched up, and is presented right here in its new sparkly clean form)


Things that annoy me:

1. Little kids who think they're "Ghetto". My city is an upper class town full of middle-upper class white people. If that's a ghetto then I'm a billionaire. They wear their hats sideways, and wear FUBU and South Pole. Then their all like "Hey G, what's up Dawg?" I feel like saying, "Go to Detroit, see how long before someone pops ya, dawg."
2. People who walk in cluttered halls and turn around suddenly and stop to talk someone behind them. "OH HI, I haven’t seen you for 20 minutes, lets stop in a cluttered hallway and talk about what that one girl is wearing. OH MY GOD!" Yeah, OK frosh. You’ve seen them:
-Before school
-In a class
-At lunch
-After school
-During the weekends
BUT... you need to, all of a sudden, tell them something SO important you have to stop in the middle of a hallway to do so? Is the sky falling? Did we find a cure for stupid? Or did you just see “the most cutest dress!”
3. Homework. Will it prepare you for tests and quizzes? yes. Does it make you (fairly) smarter? yes. Will it help you in the future? yes. Does it suck now? YES! I have no true problem with homework. I understand it’s purpose: to give us practice on what we learn in school. But seriously now, it’s been turning into BUSYWORK. I HATE BUSYWORK! You know, when the teacher doesn’t feel like teaching anymore. Their options usually consist of:
-A movie. A teacher’s best friend. Forgot to make a lesson plan? No problem! If you keep a copy of Twister in the glove compartment of your car, you’re all set.
-Worksheets. “Today class, we will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 16 BILLION WORKSHEETS!” And suddenly you find yourself paying attention to what she’s saying, starring at her eyes, hoping that the overwhelming pressure of the blank, angry stares of 30 pairs of eyes will cause her to have a nervous breakdown. Alas, you now have 30 worksheets to do.
4. NASCAR. 95 year old women who cant see over the steering wheel drive, are they athletes? I drive. Am I an athlete (muffled laughter). Seriously. How did this one slip under the radar of professional sports? Now, it does have on good thing about it. The crashes! Why are they good? Don’t people get hurt and even die? Yes... if we’re lucky. (NOTE: It is very tragic about the death of Dale Earndhart. No, I am not making fun of him.) That’s why people like things like monster trucks, or Godzilla movies, or Viva la Bam... to see things get wrecked!
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
5. Internet pop-ups. Don't you love the ones that say ,"Get the pop up blocker! Instantly blocks out all of those annoying pop-ups." What is this? That would be like Telemarketers calling to sell you those telezappers that block out telemarketer calls, or a door to door salesman selling Dobermans. It doesn’t make sense. Are they trying to lose business? Wait... do they have business to lose?
6. Barbie. "Dolls do not walk, talk or sing." Then why is it in your commercial? Hundreds of little girls buy these dolls... and for what? They don’t do anything. Now, if it said, “Dolls cook, clean, and do you taxes,” I’m guessing far more parents would buy them.
7. Lego boxes. Do they think we are all idiots? Do they have to put "Some assembly required” on LEGO BOXES??? Are people really that stupid, that they need to be told a toy with the purpose of teaching creativity and logic through building, requires "some assembly"?
8. (some) Professional Athletes who want more money. Your making over a million a year and you want more money? What, need a few more Ferraris? You’ve got a deal worth 250 million over 10 years, yet you are unhappy?? Fine. You know what? I’ll take 1% of that money, and I’ll be the happiest person in the world... for a few days.
9. Film Companies. The ones that insist on making movies like "Kangaroo Jack" and "See Spot Run". If I wanted to watch some cheap junk I'd turn on the TV and watch FOX so I can see some quality programming like "Man versus Beast", "Joe Millionaire" and "The Glutton Bowl".
10. Reality TV. Why is watching some British jerk named Simon make grown people cry good TV? It’s not entertaining. Now, what is entertaining is watching someone who just got dissed by Simon pick up a glass of water and throw it at him. I didn’t actually see this on the show, but I watched a clip of it on TV on some news show. It was awesome.
11. FOX. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé? Man versus Beast II? Detroit Lion’s Football? What is happening? Do the people at FOX who come up with new shows go digging in other channels garbage until they find the crappiest shows that other channels rejected, clean them up, and put them on the air? Of course this does not include the only quality fox programs like The Simpsons, Malcom and the Middle... and that’s all. They have ruined or canceled all their good shows.

BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.
BRING BACK FAMILY GUY.

12. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, N sync, Back Street Boys, and all other forms of pop music. You sing about love, and break ups, and more love, and occasionally more break ups. I want some pop singer to totally surprise me and sing about violence and drugs. I might buy it.
13. Jay Z, DMX, Nelly, and all other forms of rap music. They sing about guns, dogs, hot girls, hot dogs (haha), big guns, big girls, drugs, and occasionally about killing their mothers. Why???? What happened to the good old days when you could sing a song about an Oscar Meyer wiener and it would sell? But now, oh yes. Now we have “Fitty Cent” and the Gunit. What is a Gunit? It sounds like some kind of medical condition. “Yeah, I have some Gunit growing on my feet.” You sing a song called “In da Club”, and “PIMP”? One, you miss-spell THE. In the other you just repeat four letters over and over again. If you want a good song about letters, it’s called THE ABC’s.
14. Now, I would list the most popular country music singers, but...
15. The Weather channel. What happened to my 6 inches of snow you liars! They get everyone excited about snow. They interview the WINTER WEATHER SPECIALIST who compares it to a storm back in 1967. Then they show pictures of people in blizzards digging their cars out... but unfortunately it’s not from this storm. Then they give us advisories and warnings, and show it’s progress by going to cities that are supposed to get snow... but haven’t received as little as flurries. They have a guy standing in a GORE-TEX jacket on the side of a highway saying how bad things will be. Not a flake (except one, and he’s wearing a jacket that makes him look like Ralph’s brother in A CHRISTMAS STORY) in the sky. Why do they have to show people BUYING SHOVELS? How does that help me??? And then, of course, after all of this extreme crap, we get half an inch of snow.
16. Supermodels and their dogs. You may be one of the world’s top 100 most beautiful people. You may wear $1500 Gucci socks. You may be the first one P. Diddy calls when he releases a new take on “the suit”. Your boyfriend might be able to lift a Delorean with his left foot. But do you really need to spend thousands of dollars to buy matching outfits for you and your Chihuahua????
17. Cell Phone addicts. I saw a few people comparing their cell phones once. They were talking about how this is their 5th phone, they needed a new one because their last didn’t have a very good internet connection. Now they have a phone that has a color screen, wireless internet, plays gameboy games, and has a digital camera. Now I pull out my MOM’S cell phone that I’m BORROWING. It’s ancient. Those fancy cell phones have microchips that are more powerful than this phone. Can I take pictures? No. Can I go on the internet? No. Can it play games? Yes, snake. Does it have “Fitty Cent” ring tones? No, it has The Entertainer. But do you want to know what it does, that yours doesn’t? It is actually used TO CALL PEOPLE. But of course these cell phone addicts have to talk to someone every hour of every day. Ring ring, “HI, I cant talk right now, I'm in a movie. He didn’t! No, way! She’s not really wearing it though? Oh My God! What a slut!” I just feel like taking the phone out of her hand, breaking it in four pieces, then pulling out my ancient phone and saying, “What now, BEEOTCH!”
18. Those little kid movies where everything bad imaginable happens to the bad guy and the little kid sets up traps that the stupidest person in the worlds could get out of, but every time the bad guys run right through. (I essentially described Home Alone 1-4) These movies may be funny the first, oh lets say, one thousand times you see them as a kid. But then... they just suck!
19. Animal Costumes. This is a lot like number 16. Only, instead of Paris Hilton, we have your great aunt Ester, who is 70, and is obsessed with sewing ugly sweaters for her Irish Terrier Franky, named lovingly after Frank Sinatra. Not only does the poor dog have one ugly pink and maroon sweater with his name on it, he has 70 more. Including, one for every major American holiday. Of course, the sweaters are the ugliest things known to mankind. Now, the dog probably already has many many issues after living with a person like that, but do these kinds of people truly need to make their pets even more miserable by putting little outfits on them? They're pets not mannequins, not things you can play dress up with. You want that? Get a My-size barbie doll.
20. Microsoft. They are a monopoly. They say their not a monopoly... as they are buying out a 5-year-old’s “Leminaid” stand. They own like half of the world. In the near future were all going to be drinking Microsoft water version 4.0 and breathing New Microsoft oxygen, now contains 65% more nitrogen than Apple’s! I think, despite who goes to jail, in the end Mickey Mouse, Martha Stewart, and Bill Gates will rule the world.
21. The thought of chess at the Olympics. Need I say anymore?
22. The New Beetle. I didn’t really mind the old Beetle. Sure, it looked funny. But not stupid-funny. It was especially funny seeing 30 or so clowns pack into one of those. But now I hate clowns. Yet, seeing them all pack into a little old Beetle, which then topples over a cliff... it can’t get any better. Yet, they made The New Beetle. This car looks like someone took a minivan and pressed down on the front and back until it turned into an arch. And unlike the guy from the commercials, I don't think the arch is the world’s greatest invention. Why would people buy a car that comes in ugly pastel colors (including Split Pea Soup Green and Ditzy Blonde Pink) and is endorsed by Barbie?
23. Disney. OK, now don’t get me wrong. They have some good movies. Pirates of the Caribbean was awesome beyond awesome. But they use the tired cliché of a rag-tag group that stuns the world by becoming the best of the best. They used it in all 3 of the Mighty Duck movies. They’ve probably used it many many more times that I don’t know about. And now they’re using it again. But why am I happy? Why can’t I wait to see this movie if I hate this cliché so much? Because it’s Miracle. And unlike The Mighty Duck movies, which also happen to be hockey, Miracle is a TRUE story (remember the word TRUE Disney? Apparently not when it’s used with another word, HISTORY. But I’ll talk about that in just a minute) of the 1980 gold medal winning, Olympic US hockey team. Not only did they win gold, but they were all college kids, and they beat the Soviet team, which dominated hockey. This story deserves to be made into a film. This was a great game (I didn’t see it when it happened, for obvious reasons. But thanks to ESPN classic I’ve seen the whole game twice). Now we come to History. The movie Pocahontas was, historically, incorrect. She didn’t marry John Smith, it was John Rolfe. It wasn’t a peaceful meeting between John Smith (yes, there was a John Smith involved, but he was not the one she married) and the Powhatan tribe. They captured John Smith and his men, and killed all of them accept for him. They were about to kill him, but Pocahontas saved his neck (literally). She never talked to a tree, that historians know of at least. So, they Disneyized (to make cute, cuddly, kid friendly, and crappy) the story a lot. That’s not what makes me mad. What makes me mad is Pocahontas II: Journey to the New World. Synopsis: In 1612, after learning of John Smith's death, Pocahontas travels to England to attempt to create a truce between the new settlers and her people. But wait! In reality, she didn’t come to England until 1616, which she did with her husband, John Rolfe. And a truce? Yeah right, she was in England for a year before she died. Kind of ruins the movie doesn’t it, if your main character is dead! Now, fortunately this movie was only a “direct to Disney DVD” movie, and never was played on the big screen. But for all the bad things they’ve done, they have one BIG positive. Think of it like this: you have a very nice car. A friend of yours wants to borrow it while you’re gone. You let him. He fixes up and already nice car by adding a fixed up engine, sound system, and a new paint job. He does it for nothing, accept when your gone he used your car to pick up the ladies, telling them it’s his car. But do you care? You have a sweet new ride! Well, it’s kind of like that. Disney made the best choice when they made a movie with Pixar. Now, several sweet movies later, Disney and Pixar still have THE best animated movies.
24. Coffee. It tastes so bad. I mean, it even looks unappealing. Brown and ugly, it’s like it’s trying to tell you to stay away from it because it tastes worse than it looks. But, it smells so good. I love the smell of coffee, I hate the taste. You'll find me in coffee shops drinking water and sniffing everywhere.
25. The Government. I love the US. It lets slackers like me have their own webpage! But, they do make me really mad, mostly because they feel the need to make everything cool illegal. MP3's now, just because when we don’t buy our music and download it were taking money from our government and from the pockets of greedy record labels. But the thing is, the money we don’t spend buying CD's we save to buy more expensive things that we can't steal (easily) from the safety of our own homes!!!!
26. Math. I don't need it, don’t want it. I can count, add, subtract, multiply and divide, so why do I need to know what X stands for? So they say we’ll use it in life? How many times did you use the quadratic formula yesterday?
27. The Aztec. I don’t know who makes it. I don’t know who buys it. I don’t know who took an SUV and crashed it into a wall until it looked hideous, but they succeeded.
28. Freeze dried ice cream. It tastes like chalk. I know in the 60’s it was popular to eat what the astronauts ate. Things like Tang and freeze dried Ice cream. But I bet when Neil Armstrong got back from the moon and saw little kids eating the same crap he had to eat, I bet he wanted to go back to the moon because everyone on Earth had become a moron.
29. Batman, he's not a superhero!!!!! To be a superhero you have to have SUPER powers, if you pull Timmy O'toole (Simpsons) out of a well you may be a hero, but did you pull Timmy O'toole out with your super strength while wearing your spandex and your mask that conceals you are a normal person who uses his super powers to combat those of an evil genius who's powers are not even close to his, but threatens the life of all of the people in the town with a name that ends with "--opolis" by using his massive army of evil henchman wearing cotton ski masks who all are about the same height and IQ along with a group of evil friends who plot schemes to destroy the town and rid the world of their common enemy whom all have been captured by and eventually escaped!!!! (Breathing heavily) I thought not!!!!! Now you may be saying, well batman has all those things. No, no he doesn’t have ALL of them. You have to have powers that you got
on a distant planet, by being bitten by a genetically-altered spider, or that you got in a freak accident. NOT BEING RICH!!!
30. Hallmark holidays. SWEETEST DAY?!?!?! Why not? We have a holiday completely base on whether or not a small furry animal sees his shadow. If that can be a national holiday, than why can’t Sweetest Day? I’ll tell you why not: if there was a good movie called Sweetest Day, then it would be a good holiday. That’s how Ground Hog Day did it. Until then, tell the NHS to stop trying to sell me carnations... red is for love, pink is for like, white is for friend. Why not black for hate??
31. The E! channel. Their name is misleading. I don’t find “True Hollywood Story: Michael Jackson” very entertaining. I sure don’t find “The Anna Nicole Show” entertaining. But, just recently they became the only channel that shows SNL because Comedy Central sold out and now shows Mad TV, which sucks!
32. Buddy cop movies. Okay, for any buddy cop movie you need this basic cliche:
- A black guy and a white guy, from two different backgrounds and two different styles, come together to save the world.
-The black guy has to be annoying.
-The white guy has to be either stupid or serious.
-There has to be a lot of bathroom humor or girls in bikinis.
-The bad guys have to be Russians, Hispanic, or Middle Eastern.
Now, not all of these kind of movies suck. Oh wait, yes, yes they do. But any great comedian has to be either in a buddy cop movie or a teen sex movie, right? Wrong.
33. Which brings us to number 35, Teen Sex Movies! Ahh yes, teen movies. This cliche is pretty basic as well:
- There’s a big party. Maybe after graduation or Prom.
- Someone brings the beer and they all get drunk .
-Of course, there’s the standard cast of characters: The Jock, the Ditzy Blonde, the sluts, the nerds, the goths, the skaters, the druggies, and the goodie-goodies who become the baddie-baddies by the end of the movie.
-They all have sex.
-The blonde always says something dumb.
-The Jock beats someone up.
-The nerds stand on the outside wanting to be cool.
-The druggies do something like accidentally bring weed brownies and everyone gets high.
... But never.. ever do they get busted for underage drinking, drug use, disturbing the peace... anything!
34. The simple fact that the PBA (professional bowling association) is ahead of the NHL (National Hockey League) in television ratings. Who watches BOWLING?????? Wow, now there’s a sport. Smokey, dimly lit bowling alley. Bowling shoes. Bowling shirt. That isn’t a sport, it’s a game. Like chess. And that’s why they both suck. But billiars is a game too, and I love billiards. It’s one of the best games.
35. Telemarketers. Ah yes. Can there be a list of things that are annoying without Telemarketers? Yet, they are very fun to play with:

Fun with Telemarketers:
-Let them start, sound interested (go "yes", an "uh huh", "I see") Then when they thing they got a sale, click one of the dial buttons (like 5) and wait to see what happens. I did that once by accident and they hung up on me. It was so great.
-Place the phone by a speaker and put on music. Either extremely loud rock where you cant tell what the singers saying (This is the best kind, seriously) or stuff like Kenny G (elevator music). Then just walk away. See how long they will last.
-"Yo no hablo inglés"- Spanish
"Je ne parle pas anglais"- French
"Ich spreche Englisch nicht"-German
"Non parlo inglese"-Italian
"Ik spreek engels niet"-Dutch
"Eu nao falo inglês"-Portugese
"Jeg taler ikke engelsk"-Norwegian
These all mean "I do not speak English"

36. Old Navy Commercials. They take colorful sets, good-old songs, and bad actors, dress them up in Old Navy clothes and make them dance around and maybe sing. How does this sell clothes? It doesn’t. (NOTE: They have one commercial with an actress that has THE single worst voice I’ve heard in my life. Look for it. You’ll know it when you see it.)
37. The fact that the city of Detroit buys garbage from Canada. So Canadians are too clean for their own garbage? I see... yet Americans are dirty enough for it? I see... (Note: Rent Canadian Bacon)
38. FOX part II. Why did they cancel amazing shows Like Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Greg the Bunny, Futurama, and The Pitts. I know, I already went on and on about how bad FOX is. But still, this deserves it’s own section of the list. It’s an outrage!
39. People who sue Mcdonalds because they made them fat. It’s not McDonald’s fault you ate all four meals (which reminds me, there’s only three meals in a day) there. Instead of wasting money on a lawyer and all kinds of court fees, get Liposuction.
40. With 100 channels, why is there never anything to watch on TV? Our choices? Emeril, the news, Bass Fishing, The Golf Channel, soap operas, Telletubbies, and The Kids in the Hall (it’s a Canadian SNL... not as funny). Sound like a good selection?
41. Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Joyce Brown, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Evil... Pretty much anyone with “Dr” in front their name now can have a crappy radio/TV show where they tell 20 year old women what to do with their 30 year old husbands. I’ve listened to these shows before (believe me, I was being forced)... and is it like a standard in the medical profession to be mean to your patients? They like eat these people alive and tell them they should stop whining because life sucks. Well, now we know what happened to that one kid who used to always beat people up and take their lunch money... he grew up to be Dr. Phil.
42. Clip Shows. No, not clips from your Uncle’s trip to Kansas. Clip shows, when a TV show makes a new episode out of clips from old shows strung together. The Simpsons does this a lot. Now, I’m a HUGE Simpsons fan. But when a clip show is on, I won’t watch it. Why do they do that? To give animators a free week? Just put on the ENITRE old episode then, not clips!
43. Sequels to Jim Carrey movies that do not have Jim Carrey in them. First it was Dumb and Dumberer (awful). Now it’s The Son of the Mask! (cries of horror). The Mask was good. Dumb and Dumber was awesome. But making a sequel of a Jim Carrey movie that does not have him in it (or two sequels without him, as it is) is just dumb. He’s what made those movies good. The lack of him is whate made Dumb and Dumberer bad, and what will make The Son of the Mask (despite having Alan Cummings, who was awesome as NightCrawler in X2 , in it) bad.


Well, you've survived the list. Do you disagree with me? Too bad. If you do, you're now number 44.

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