The Randomness Continues

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

A COMB-OVER AND A MAZDA MIATA. NEED ANY OTHER SIGNS THAT YOU'RE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS?

Ok, so it's not really their fault that they happen to be 50 years old, insecure, and ugly... but we'll tear them apart for it anyways. You've seen them, the bald guy who has a comb-over to "cover-up" his baldness, drives a small foreign sports car, wears Polo golf shirts and Ray Bans, and listens to The Beach Boys. You see them driving down the street and you just shake your head. Now, what's wrong with it? First of all, comb-overs do not make you look less bald. You might as well just write "Bald" on your Q-ball and go get it waxed, because a comb-over make just about as much of a statement. Is there some underground comb-over cult or something? It just doesn't make sense. I wouldn't call it a bad hair style (like a mullet), because it's not really a "style". So for our purposes, it's a hair tragedy. Now you may be wondering, "Golly WiseGuy, what's wrong with cute little foreign sports cars?" If you're going to buy a sports car, go all out. Like Opus (from the comic Opus) said, "I want a sports car the size of a !@#$% Abrahms Tank!" And he's a penguin. So if a penguin can get a sweet car, why can't our middle-aged friends? Because, "He thinks he's a loser so he bought a loser car (Big Trouble)." Now Ray Bans and Polo golf shirts... which are fine to wear if you GO GOLFING. But when you're at home watching Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, or Michelle Wie (the idea of our middle-aged friend watching a 14 year old is thoroughly disturbing) on the Golf Channel... that's a different story. I may like watching football and playing football, but I don't sit at home in full pads watching a game. And Ray Bans? Sure, you think you're sexy, but when it's night you can take them off. It's ok. We all know you're a sexy party animal, so take off the Ray Bans, get off the coffee table, and take the lampshade off your head. And finally, The Beach Boys. Personally, I have nothing against them. I dont, wont, never have, or never will consider owning one of their CD's, but if I hear it in a commercial I can honestly smile and say, "Wow, another good song ruined by a fucking commercial." Alone, each of these things is tolerable (accept the comb-over). But mixed together to form one big insecure Cocktail... I'd rather drink arsenic. But for those of you who:
1) Are a middle-aged man with a comb-over, a foreign sports car, who wears Polo golf shirts and Ray Bans, and listens to the Beach Boys
2) And actually come to my website for whatever reason
I will give you a little bit of sympathy. It could be worse...

You could grow a Hitler mustache, wear Members Only Jackets, and drive an H2 (shudders).

(NOTE: WE DON'T SEE VERY MANY OF THESE MIDDLE-AGED GUYS IN MICHIGAN DURING THE WINTER, MOST OF THEM ARE DOWN IN CALIFORNIA DRIVING UP AND DOWN THE STRIP LOOKING FOR A STORE THAT SELLS VIAGRA, PROZAC, OR A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH)

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