The Randomness Continues

Sunday, January 25, 2004

10 EASY STEPS TOWARDS A SUCCESFUL HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF A LOCAL GOVERNMENT AND TRANSITION TO A DICTATORSHIP!

10. KILL YOUR FAMILY:
You're a busy dicator. You have peaceful protests to crush, weak countries to threaten, and powerful countries to bribe-- so you don't have time to go to a little league game or a dance recital. Plus, in a few years you'll have enough money to try to clone them.
9. CHANGE YOUR NAME:
A dictator needs to strike fear into the hearts of his people and rule with an iron fist. That's kind of hard to do if your name is Mikey Love or something weak like that. Try changing your name to Ivan Killalot.
8. DON'T BE AFRAID TO "STRETCH" LAWS A LITTLE HERE AND THERE:
You can't be a succesful dictator if you're afraid to get your hands dirty. Some bribery here, maybe a few murders there. You have a nation to take over, and nobody ever did that by passing out flowers.
7. RE-NAME ALL GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS, PARKS, SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, AND REALLY HIGH TOWERS AFTER YOUR SELF:After all you've done for the country, you should at least have everything named after your self. You did the work, you should get the fame and glory. JFK didn't have high schools named after him until after he died, so hurry up.
6. DESTROY ALL GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS, PARKS, SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, AND REALLY HIGH TOWERS:
There's no need to have these things. Take all the money you save from destroying them and buy yourself a yacht. In fact, buy yourself a whole fleet of yachts. Then have a statue of you put up. You deserve it!
5. CENSOR YOUR NATION'S HISTORY, ERASE PEOPLE YOU HATE FROM HISTORICAL RECORDS, DESTROY ALL COPIES OF THE FRIENDS COMPLETE DVD COLLECTION, AND EDIT YOUR ENEMIES OUT OF PHOTOS:
You are the supreme law. Why not use your authority to change the world even more than your have? Get rid of all records of your enemies. Have a problem with The War of 1812? POOF! It's gone. Are you angry that The Simpsons has been on TV for longer than Friends, yet all the Friends seasons are already on DVD? Get rid of all copies of them. And while you're at it, kill David Schwimmer! That'll teach them!
4. RAISE TAXES AND BUILD YOUR SELF A FEW MANSIONS:So what if your country's tax rate is 90%? There's still 10% percent left! Pump your citizens for all they're worth. After all, without you they'd still be living in stuffy, over-crowded houses, instead of out in the streets where they can breathe in the fresh, clean, pure, smog-filled air of your industrialized nation! What should you do with the millions of dollars from your tax hikes? Build schools? Free health care? Cheap government housing for people in poverty? Yeah right! Build a few summer mansions!
3. KILL ANYONE WHO OPENLY EXPRESSES THEIR OPINION:
You're the only one who has an opinion that matters! Everyone else should die for saying what they think about PBS. And if their opinion is different than yours? Kill them, their family, their boss, their favorite celebrity, and their lawyer.
2. FORCE EVERYONE INTO LABOR CAMPS WHERE THEY WORK DAY AND NIGHT TO BUILD A 3,000 FOOT STATUE IN YOUR HONOR:
You are always right. So, if you think aliens on a distant planet should see your dazling good looks from millions of miles away, than make it happen! And while their at it, you can have them build a throne room in the statue's head. You are the top of the world, so why not live there?
1. SIT BACK AND ADMIRE YOUR OWN GENIUS:
Congratulations! You have single-handedly taken over a weak government, crushed all opposition, formed the worlds strongest nation, and forced all your petty citizens into building a statue in your honor. Now just wait a couple of years before the pesky United Nations comes nosing around and tries to bring your empire down. What are you going to do? Stop them! And if you can't, rig every building in your country with thousands of tons of explosives! That will teach them. GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY!

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