The Randomness Continues

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Well Christmas is over, trust me, I have taken the last few days to make sure it's gone, and it is. It's safe to come out now. Or is it? I thought the pre-Christmas insanity was bad-- but this year, the post-Christmas hype is MUCH worse. Now that we can't have crappy Christmas specials, we need some cheap rip-offs like Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July. What next? How the Grinch stole Hanukkah? That's not half of it. I was at a store today (remind me never to go shopping again. EVER) and what did I see? Little kids screaming because they want a new toy. A NEW TOY? WHERE WERE YOU THREE DAYS AGO WHEN THE FAT MAN CAME? But of course there are the people who feel it neccesary to return gifts the day they get them. Why? Perhaps they think the ghost of maroon socks and retro-toasters will haunt their house? It was just nuts there. I thought about bringing along a machete and my best Elephant Rifle next time to hack through the old people. But then, as if Christmas didn't just end, we need to drag the next holiday out kicking and screaming. New Years? Oh no, think more than a month and a half away. Valentines Day. It's not as if New Years isn't important, is it? People are making up New Years Resolutions while they're not even done breaking last years Resolutions into a million pieces of "Oh, it just slipped my mind" (NOTE: THIS YEAR I RESOLVE TO NEVER GO SHOPPING), yet we have to drag out the "I love you with all my heart" crap? Please, Hallmark, just stop before someone DIES!!! Why don't we just agree to fast forward to the greatest Winter Holiday of them all (the second greatest would be College Bowl Day (some call it New Years Day, but next year will feel exactly like the year before did))... St. Patricks Day. Sure, it means nothing to me now... But once you turn 21 the color green isn't just to keep the bullys from pinching you... it's to blend into the camoflauge of drinking green beer, vomiting green, seeing green elephants and green spots, and finally "greening" out on the neighbors front lawn. I salute you St. Patricks Day, drunkening the (legally aged) public that haven't passed out in the Men's bathroom and called their wives "the greatest girl in this whole wide-- place!" since last St. Patricks Day.


Ah crap, it's still December!


Thursday, December 25, 2003

Here at The Randomness Continues we respect everyone's religion, whether YOU celebrate Christmas, Hanukha, Ramadan, Kwanza, Festivus (yes, Seinfeld fans, you too can join the group hug... if you MUST), or if you celebrate in a little more... unorthodox way (such as the sacrifice of a Billboards top 100 artist). We respect all faiths, christianity, hinduism, islam, buddhism, judaism, and the force (star wars geeks... you too are invited to the party). We respect those who BELIEVE in "Hooga-booga", Santa Claus, Buddha, Vishnu, or Rufus the 13th apostle (dogma). We don't care how many presents you bought or gave, how many malls you got lost IN, how many little Christian children you taunted with chants of, "How can one man give presents to everyone, and how does that have to do with CHRISTIANITY?", or how many mugs of egg nog you've knocked back. You're part of the randomness family today (so you better have gotten me a !@#$%* good present!)!


Merry Randomness, from all of us here at The Randomness Continues!



(NOTE: "All of us" includes PK, STIMPMITS, The WiseGuy, The Randomness Monkies, Corporate Scandals Man, The various forms of elevated life in The WiseGuy's refridgerator, and of course, The Bathroom Ninjas.)


(NOTE: And yes, the hidden message was just a joke)

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Ah yes, the night before Christmas. Tonight all around the world families will be hanging stockings, decorating Christmas trees, getting drunk on egg nog, and then sitting down to watch some classic Christmas programs. They'll watch Charlie Brown's Christmas, Rudolph the red- nose reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Dicken's A Christmas Carol, and of course the classic, Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (sorry Jim, but not YOUR version)! The animated cartoon of this classic children's story is one christmas program that families everywhere will sit down and watch together. And they'll laugh. They'll laugh at the Grinch's heart being two sizes too small. They'll laugh at the funny lyrics of that song (You're a bad banana, With a greasy black peel). And of course they'll laugh as the waite opens the metal tray and the smaller waiters keep coming out until the smallest one comes out with a (is that a tomatoe? Or an apple? Or a clown nose? Or a dog heart? Or is it the final weapon from The Butter Battle Book (The Bitsy Big Boy Boomeroo)?) gift for Cindy Lou Who. And why shouldn't they laugh? Those are all funny parts in the story. But then they laugh at somethign that isn't that funny. Max the dog comes on screen.




"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grinch looked around. But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!" So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.



Max is a dog being used as a reindeer. People laugh at him! Everyone needs to make money to bring home the kibbles and bits, am I right? Sure, he's envolved in some shady things, but he's not the one who stole the last can of who-hash (hash-browns of course)! He's just an unfortunate victim of the Grinch's evil plot! But he's laughed at the most! They laugh at him when the grinch puts the ridiculously large antlers on his head and he falls over. They laugh when he has to pull that large sled! They laugh when the Grinch covers him in wreaths! And for what?? In the end all he gets is one lousy piece of roast-beast??? Even Cindy Lou Who gets a bigger piece than he does! And what did she do? She just woke up and caught the Grinch with his pants down ("Santy Claus why, why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?" But you know that old grinch was so smart and so slick he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick. "Why my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied, "there's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.")! Max pulled a sleigh that was about a million times heavier than he is, and Cindy Lou Who gets more roast-beast????? It's an outrage!

So this year, when you settle down with your family and watch Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (No Jim, No)... go ahead and laugh as the Grinch shoots the christmas ornaments into the bag like pool balls. Go ahead and laugh as the Grinch steals the sugar plums from the Whos dreams. Go ahead and laugh when the Grinch gets stuck going down the chimney. BUT... DO NOT laugh at Max!

DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!
DON'T LAUGH AT MAX!!

Sunday, December 21, 2003

The Randomness Continues Presents:

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO COVER UP THE FACT THAT YOU FORGOT TO BUY SOMEONE A PRESENT FOR [INSERT WINTER HOLIDAY HERE].

10. Hug them and say it's the thought that counts.
9. Give them an old present that someone gave you, but you never opened.
8. Pull out a sharpie and draw a christmas tree on a pair of plain old white socks.
7. Wrap an empty baby food jar and tell them you caught a ghost and put it inside of the jar.
6. Sew all your old clothes together and tell them it's a quilt that your family passes down from generation to generation and it's their turn to make a square.
5. Give them an empty box of chocolates and say you got hungry on the way.
4. Steal all of the presents from the small, happy people who live under neath your mountain, of course with the help of your dog Max.
3. Get on Google and study the handwriting of a former President, then sign a dollar bill and say you got it at their inaguration.
2. Rent a movie, cover it in wrapping paper, and tell the person you gave it to it's due back on Friday.

And the number one to cover up the fact that you forgot to get someone a present for [INSERT WINTER HOLIDAY HERE] is....

1. Take all your clothes off, put a bow on your head, and put a label around your next that says: "God's gift to the world" (NOTE: WE WOULD NOT RECOMEND THIS AS A GIFT FOR YOUR MOTHER)

(letter recieved by owl post earlier this morning)

Dear Mr. STIMPITS
We regret to inform you that if a post of yours is not seen within 12 hours several henchman will be sent to your house to soak your head.




"Gee", thought STIMPITS after reading the letter, "I'd better post... I mean... I certainly don't want my head soaked."

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Well, yesterday I saw The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. If there was any question of how cool this series was... that question has been pulled off the test. This movie was fantastic. It was beautiful, action packed, dramatic, and... duh, epic. But before you see it... I will warn you. Do NOT get anything to eat or drink. Why?
-The movie is 3 and a half hours, and if you're waiting for the boring part to run to the john... keep waiting.
-It's hard to eat popcorn when your jaw is lying on the ground.

This movie was just... wow. I can't say exactly how great it was... so instead I wrote a letter to Peter Jackson.


Dear Peter Jackson,

When I get famous, you can have the first free T-shirt I ever give away to prove how "important" my fans are to me!


If an offer of a free T-shirt doesn't put the icing on the cake... I don't know what will (icing perhaps?).

(NOTE: Today I got a GIANT Return of the King movie poster for christmas... more like I "found out" I am getting a GIANT Return of the King movie poster for christmas. Found out... (muffled laughter))

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

So you think The WiseGuy is the coolest person ever? Show it! Click here to take survey

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Monday:

The WiseGuy ran outside and looked up. He stood looking up for about 20 minutes. Nothing. He went back inside.

Tuesday:

The WiseGuy was outside again, this time with a pair or binoculars looking up at the sky. Nothing.

Wednesday:

The WiseGuy had a telescope. Still Nothing.

Thursday:

The WiseGuy was doing a rain dance. Nothing.

Friday:

After seeing the weather channel was just going to lie to him over and over about getting snow, The WiseGuy pulled the hose out on the street and sprayed gallons of water on the street.

Saturday:

The WiseGuy woke up to find a winter wonderland. Ice everywhere. Snow falling a foot per hour.

Sunday:

The snow continued. They had 6 feet of snow with a layer of ice at the bottom. There was no way they would have school. So he decided not to do his homework, study for his test, or eat his Wheaties.

Monday:

The WiseGuy sat in Math class, failing a test, and looking out the window at the green grass and brilliant sunshine. "I hate Michigan weather," he shouted.

(NOTE: If right now, all the snow the Weather Channel said we would get fell all at once... there would be a mountain taller than the Empire State Building over my house and the entire state of Michigan. Yes, we all know how hard meteorology is. Whine whine. Do you see how much I care? I've failed 4 tests because of you DUMBASSES!!!!!!!!!!!)

Friday, December 05, 2003

The WiseGuy threw open the shelves. Nothing. He looked under the sofa cushions. Nothing. He looked in the gutters. Nothing. He looked on the roof. Nothing. He looked in the deepest pits of hell (his closet). Nothing! There wasn't any food anywhere... well anywhere that wasn't in the refrigerator. You might be wondering why he didn't go into the fridge... well that question can be easily answered wth a statistic: 89% What does it mean? 89% of all aromas inside The WiseGuy's fridge weren't of this planet... originally atleast. That being said, he was afraid of it. But he was so hungry he started eating pages from Tom Brokaws THE GREATEST GENERATION (which tasted a lot like creamed spinach that was so heavilly charred that it was a new shade of black, so black that light cannot escape it (kind of like that innocent-charm crap boy bands use... but not stupid)) which was the only book that someone else hadn't claimed (Harry Potter tastes like dish soap). So The WiseGuy, halucinating from the Tom Brokawge (new word) accidentally opened the fridge. As he rooted around in the vile purple fog he felt something in the back. He was pulling so hard that he didn't realize something was pulling back. He flew into the fridge, over half a can of syrup-saturated orange slugs (or canned peaches as some call them), through a pile of bubbling cottage cheese, around the body of a 13th century English Prince, and finally came to rest by an old Turkey.

"Ahh, so that's where the turkey went!"
"No WiseGuy, that Turkey is from 7 years ago. You didn't have Turkey for Thanksgiving, you had ketchup on bananas."
"Oh yeah... wait, who and where are you?"
"Oh, where are my manners. My name is Bubba."

A tiny little man, less than a foot high, who resembled Little Richard, climbed out of an old orange juice bottle.

"... What are you?"
"I'm what happens when you leave potatoe salad in the refrigerator for 11 years."
"But you can talk!"
"Of course I can talk... If you lived here you'd become an intelectual sin-against-nature too!"
"Why'd you bring me here? Is it becase I drank out of the milk carton, then dropped my chemistry project in it, then mixed it up and put it back in the fridge?"
"THAT WAS YOU!?!?"
"Uhh, no... that was Dick Cheney. Go kill Cheney!"
"That's not why I brought you here though... I brought you here because the world must know the secret of existance!"
"The meaning of life?"
"Yes, but secret of existance sounds so much cooler."
"Right... but what is this secret? And why do you know it?"
"I know it because it seems logical that a 7 inch man born from potatoe salad that looks a lot like Little Richard should know the secrets of existance!"
"Uhh, I guess it does... in a stupid kinda way. But that doesn't matter... what is the secret of existance?"
"Ramen Noodle Soup."
"Whaaaaaat?"
"Ramen Noodle Soup! It's the meaning of life. To buy and consume Ramen Noodle Soup! Why do you think there is death?? Because not enough people eat Ramen Noodle soup! It makes sense!"
"But why would death care if we eat Ramen Noodle Soup?"
"He likes it!"
"So there is death because an invisible force known as 'death' likes to eat Ramen Noodle Soup... but the rest of the world doesn't?"
"Exactly."
"Hmmmm, makes sense! I thought the meaning of life was to do good in this world to improve the lives of generations of future human beings! Man was I wrong!"


So now that The WiseGuy had been given the meaning of existance (and the GI Joe he threw in the back of the vegetable crisper when he was 5) he decided to clean the refrigerator. After making a deal with The Refrigerator Ninjas to give them a piece of string with a plastic dog on the end, he cleaned out the fridge and began eating Ramen Noodle Soup to fulfill his destiny!

(NOTE: NO FOOD WAS HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST... ONLY MUTATED, DISFIGURED, AND RUSHED THROUGH THE STAGES OF EVOLUTION TO CREATE AN ABOMINATION AND A SIN AGAINST NATURE)