THE CREATION OF "HOME COMING"
In the mid 1970's a secret organization bent on brainwashing American teenagers through High school football met in a Bingo hall south of Washington DC. It was a secret Bingo Hall.
[LEADER]: Thank you all for coming. Sorry we had to meet in this bingo hall, but when I asked for 40 million dollars to build a meeting place they said something about a "Vietnam War". I'm so tired of these made up stories. But that's not why we're here. We're here so we can brainwash America's youth through high school football. Now latley attendance at these football games has gone down. Does anyone have an idea to bring attendance back up?
[GUY #1]: We could make it mandatory and have teachers use their authority to inforce it, and make every student attend.
[LEADER]: Now does anyone have a realistic idea?
[GUY #2]: We could get hired goons!
[LEADER]: No goons!
[GUY #3]: What about thugs?
[LEADER]: No thugs either! Come on people, think realistically!
[GUY #2]: We could buy gorillas with oversized multi-colored baseball bats.
[LEADER]: ... I LIKE IT!
[GUY #4]: No, we need something that only happens once a year.
[LEADER]: We could buy new gorillas every year!
[GUY #4]: No gorilas!
[GUY #3]: We could hold an anual game that everyone looks forward to!
[GUY #5]: And we could then hold a mass cult gathering where we sacrifice a beautiful teenage virgin to the school mascot!
[LEADER]: GREAT! A SCHOOL DANCE!
[GUY #1]: But we need to have some kind of way to build anticipation for these events.
[GUY #5]: We could ressurect the dead and have them threaten to eat every first born of every family that has a student going to the school if they don't go!
[LEADER]: Nothing that has to do with dead! This is a joyous occasion.
[GUY #3]: I know, school spiritweek! All the students are forced to join in on a stupid celebration every day of spirit week to build everyones anticipation for the big game!
[LEADER]: No, oh just forget the idea of trying to brain wash teenagers!
[GUY #3]: We could force the students to go to a two hour pep assembly!
[LEADER]: I LOVE IT!
[GUY# 5]: We could also hike up ticket prices for all of these events to earn some extra money!
[LEADER]: But what would we do with this extra cash?
[GUY #1]: We could give each failing student a full college scholarship!
[GUY #4]: Lets just by a big TV and 5 million cartons of cigarettes for the teacher lounge!
And thus Home Coming was invented.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
THE CREATION OF "HOME COMING"
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Before we get to tonights randomossity...
A Note from the WiseGuy:
Dear NOIP (no-one-in-particular),
Maybe you can help me with a problem. Is STIMPMITS dead? Is he legally driving? What in the name of Flipper the dolphin was up with that crazy otter crap? Has the-co-writer-formerly-known-as-STIMPMITS gone crazY? Or have I just gone sane and he's always been that way. I don't know anymore... I'm thinking of setting a trap for him and taking him to a medical insitution to be studied... I'll keep you posted.
Yours in fooey-ness,
(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING RANDOMNESS HAS BEEN DEEMED "POLITICALLY INCORRECT", "ANTI-SOCIAL", "GRAMATTICALLY INCORRECT", AND "STUPID" BY A LOT OF PEOPLE)
THE TRUE STORY OF NOAH'S ARK:
We've heard about the rains. We've heard about the sinful people. We've heard about the animals. But what about Noah's slacker brother?
Yesah (I love puns :) sat playing his gameboy and watching Noah try to round up two of every animal.
"Don't forget mosquitoes!"
"Mosquitoes aren't animals!"
"That's not what HE said!"
"He talked to YOU?"
Noah was older. Noah was smarter. Noah had more hair. But Yesah had always been clever... so when God told Noah something about rain, death, and animals... Yesah was interested. He knew Noah had something against the "Wierd animals" that Yesah hid i his underwear drawer. "Abominations", "Sins against nature", and "Ugly" he called them. But Yesah had no friends, just a unicorn, santa clause, a smart blonde, a leprichaun, a mute telemarketer, a chipmunk duct taped to a chicken, and Al Gore.
"What did he say?"
"You know, the usual: Blah blah blah noah blah blah blah. If he loves you so much why doesn't he make you VICE god?"
"Oh go become a buddhist!"
So while Noah was trying to gather together two of every pinkle poodle from the WiseGuy's basement, Yesah was lighting stuff on fire. While Noah was building his ark, Yesah was asking his magic 8-ball if Ben Affleck was gay. While Noah was out seeing Finding Nemo, Yesah was sleeping. But then it started raining... oh wait, Yesah was taking a shower.
"So where are the floods, Mr. 'godlovesmemorethanyesah'?"
"When pigs fly--"
Yesah smiled as his pig duct taped to a penguin walked by.
The one day Noah and his family and all of the "normal" animals got in the ark. The it began to rain. So the Yesah realized maybe Noah was right. So he bought a raft and put his animals on it. The rain came down heavier. Yesah's gameboy ran out of batteries. The pig-guin died. But he kept at it.
To make a long story short, Yesah crossed into an inter-dimentional time warp and came out in the popular children novel "Yurtle the turtle" where he duct taped all of the turtles together to create what he called "Middle Aged-abnormal-kung fu-tortoises" (teenage mutant ninja turtles). He lived to be old and fat. The pig-guin still died.
Noah and all of his animals (except the ferret who accidentally smelled good) lived on to forever be in the pages of a book... a famous book... called "Hop-on-Pop". They sure loved to hop on pop.
So the moral of the story is...
Despite having no work ethic at all, Yesah ended up being the same as Noah. In the end, the third brother Maybeah set sail with the care bears to end up forever imortalized in the pages of THE greatest example of american literature... The StarBelly Sneaches!
STIMPITS was handed a piece of paper... it was pink.... and it was most certainly a slip.... thus it was a pink slip...
it was the token to his freedom and most likely his death as well...
*sigh* "im still not very good at driving"
Thursday, September 25, 2003
STIMPITS woke from an awful dream... something about his death and an otter, but he couldnt remember the details. As he slowly rose from bed he glanced at the clock... "OH SHIT" ,he exclaimed, "i was supposed to post weeks ago."
this time he promised to start posting regularily... or so he hopes
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
THE RANDOMNESS CONTINUES: Society's scapegoat for over 4 months
Hello, and welcome to the old and unimproved randomness, where our motto is "YOU KNOW, THIS IS SOCIETY'S FAULT." Yes, when in doubt blame things on society, or canada... or in a jam, canadian society.
Now, over the last week I've gone into PHASE 2 of operation THE RANDOMNESS CONTINUES. PHASE 1 was to build up a large, and incredibly funny website. I've done that. It has content. Now I have to get it out to the world. Well, the co-writer-formerly-known-as-STIMPMITS hasn't done much... so why not bring in a pair of fresh brain cells (NOTE: I said pair)??? Sometime soon (hopefuly) I plan to bring in a new co-writer. He's a funny guy, almost as random as I am (almost...). I hope to get him posting before next week, so stick around. But PHASE 2 has not even started. I've been getting the website's URL out anyway possible. I passed out these creative pictures (showed Matrix code, made up of ?'s), I wrote down the URL on tables, walls, bus seats, people's hands, school papers, sidewalks, dogs, children, KKK robes... just about anything possible. Now I'm just going up to people and using the direct method. "HEY YOU, GO TO www.therandomnesscontinues.blogspot.com" It's kind of working, but then again most people don't pay enough attention. I though about hiring a sky-writer, but bought a video game instead.
So... I'm hoping to get LOTS of people to go here... (muffled laughter)
A WiseGuy once said...
-I'm not instigating revolution... I don't know what instigating means.
-Rebellious Youth... not your dads troubled teens
-I'm not TRYING to destroy all forms of government, I'm just NOT TRYING to save all forms of government [ANARCHY]
-You blame the worlds issues on me, I blame them on popular people, popular people blame them on their parents, their parents blame them on the government, the government blames it on France, france blames it on America, America bombs Iraq. So what does this teach us??? When in doubt, don't leave thousands of nukes at the hands of a chimp who has a C+ ejukashun (dubya).
Saturday, September 13, 2003
No smoke and mirrors. No steroids. No magic cards shoved in poofy sleeves. Heck, we don't even wear socks around here. We are old fashioned. In a good way though. Actually, we prefer the words "Classically Smooth" to old fashioned. We may be one of those small time websites with no pictures, sounds, or dancing jesus'. But what we do have is a whole lot of mind numbing content. In fact, so much mind numbing content that we often find ourselves slowly drifting off to a world where monkies wear brightly colored hats and sing old barber shop quartet songs while handing out pamphlets about why socks are the devil (we wear sandals here). Yet soon we breathe in the sweet smell of exhaust and rubber cement and find ourselves awake and stuck between two slices of reallity bread to make one big, sticky, reallity and peanut butter sandwhich (mmmm). Now, if you're still here you're either duct taped to your chair or you have lost all feeling in your legs and accidently typed in [http://therandomnesscontinues.blogspot.com] into the computer when you meant to hit 911 in the phone. Either way, you're probably wondering where all this is leading to. Well, I'm not quite sure... so lets just end it with some funny sayings.
Things not to say at your Trial for Driving Drunk...
-"You mean this ISN'T Grand Theft Auto?"
-"Who is Al Cohol?"
-"Ohhh, that's what stop means."
-"I swear, I didn't think you'd catch me."
-"... I have a CAR?"
-"Who's the guy with the hammer?"
-"6 points on my license? Am I winning now???"
-"Is this MY house?"
-"Ohh, pedestrians! I'm always open-minded of new religions."
-"I was trying to find Elvis!"
-"They're after me lucky charms!"
-"I wasn't drunk, someone cut my brakes. I pressed and I pressed on that stupid little pedal on the right next to the big one, but I just kept going forward!"
-"This is society's fault somehow."
-"Where's Judge Judy?"
-"Is this Style court?"
Things not to say if your a doctor performing heart surgery...
-"Heart... Heart... lets see... does anyone remember which leg it's in?"
-"What's this red stuff?"
-"Incision? Enough with these foreign languages, does anyone speak American?"
-"This is nothing like Doogey Houser!"
-"Man, this guy sure drank a lot of Ketchup. It's going to take weeks to drain all of it out of him."
-"Woops! I dropped my gum! Don't worry, it landed on the body. It's supposed to be red, it's Cinnamon... or was it grape?"
Things not to say halfway through a cross-country road trip...
-"...Where are the kids?"
-"Don't worry, this is one of those half boat-half cars!"
-"Speed Limit??? Please, this is a Corvette, there is no speed limit."
-"Pay attention to the WHAT now?"
Things not to say at a democratic national convention...
-"George Bush was my favorite democrat."
-"What's our symbol again... the duck of the ostrich?"
-"Do you guys remember that nice MONICA girl?"
-"This ISN'T the communist party?"
Things not to say while hunting...
-"Yeah, I saw a deer once."
-"Which way do I point the end with the hole?"
Things not to say while flying an airplane...
-"Hello, and welcome aboard flight 256. This is your captain speaking. We are currently 1500 feet up in the air. Now, before we put on tonights movie, I just wanted to see if anyone knew how to LAND one of these things."
Things not to say in a room full of 14 year old girls...
Well that's it. Fooey.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
I once heard a theory of the universe that stated: Every time something occurs that completley defies all odds, the universe starts over again. If that theory is true... the universe started again today at 3:36 outside Manchester High School.
Your driving down the road: You see a teenager with slicked down hair, wearing expensive sun glasses and Abercrombie clothes, while driving a corvette... like a maniac!
I was behind him... the teenager with the floppy hair under a crooked and faded baseball hat, wearing these wicked green sunglasses, driving an old Dodge (with STUDENT DRIVER on the top)...
I wasn't driving like a maniac. I was driving like a wiseguy.
Yes, I drove for the first time ever today. I did good (just like I speak good, and me english skills is good). I didn't crash. I didn't die (Or did I????). I didn't look cool (I looked wicked!). I just put my foot on the gas... even instead of the brake once. I got my pedals mixed up and went a few feet into the intersection ( ]:o Cow). Oh well, I lived.
A WiseGuy Once Said....
-The saddest point in a man's life comes when he loses what he loves most to someone else....
**STARTING MENTAL IMAGE**
[ME]: AH YES, I HAVE A PEANU--
[CROW]: CAAAH! CAAAH!
**ENDING MENTAL IMAGE**
-Life is like a box of monkies... pointless and insane
-If half the world was one half smaller it would be a quarter of the world and we'd all be eating less pie :(
-I don't hate you, I hate a point six centimeters from your left nose... do you see it?
-I had a train of thought... it got derailed.
-You say tuh-may-toe. I say tuh-mah-toe. You say poh-tay-toe. I say poh-tah-toe. You say robbery, arson, and homocide. I say borrowing with no intent to return, smoking is legal; I needed a place to put the ashes, and I was shooting the wall; you stepped in front of the bullet.
-If idiots were lemonade we'd have a friggin stand.
Saturday, September 06, 2003
And I thought I made things up. I was at the grocery store buying some IBC when I noticed one of those National Enquirers. The Headline read: ALIEN IN SLAMMER AFTER FIGHT WITH BILL OVER HILLARY. The picture showed Hillary Clinton screaming, Bill Clinton with bruises, and an alien mug shot.
I thought I was going to die of laughter. What has happened to the National Enquirer? At one point I thought I could trust them to give me up-to-date news on the woman in New Jersey who found Hitler's shrunken-head, telling me that the world will end on February 7, 2004, or that Elvis is alive and is actually a Bob Marley impersonator.
Ok, all of those (accept the new jersey woman) were made up by me. All others were made by some idiot who thinks the world cares enough that someone spotted the Devil in a cup of coffee (or god in a bowl of cereal) enough to pay $2.00 to read about. Losers.
Maybe Bill Clinton did get beaten up by an alien... I can almost hear the speach... "I did not get beaten up by that alien!" Maybe Hillary did scream at Bill. Maybe Zxyorfghdk did get arrested... but doubtful those events have anything to do with each other.
Hello, and welcome to (insert clever title here)! I am the WiseGuy, son of WiseMan, brother of WiseThing, cousin to WiseA**, friend of this one guy who said he found $500 bucks lying in a cup holder at the movies, second cousin once-removed to a guy who knows another guy's brother's best friend's barber who knew a guy who's cousin was a janitor at a school where a guy drove past who once had seen the drummer from Metallicas best friend's doctor (OK, I was watching Lord of the Rings, then watched the VMA's where Metallica played the sweet song "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes. Somehow those two combined)!
Well, this website has been kind of quiet lately. Nothing big. The co-writer formerly known as STIMPMITS hasn't posted in a while, but there have been some refreshingly funny posts in the last 1 or 2 months... that's why we (I) are (am) posting the dates for THE best posts EVER!
THE RANDOMNESS CONTINUES: 4 MONTHS OF THE BEST RANDOMOSSITY
-Monday, September 01: Nicordotte
-Monday, August 04: RIP STIMPMITS/Llama Vs. Penguin
-Sunday, July 27: Footstink & crappy action figures
-Sunday, July 13: Jack and the Cantaloupe/ "You are in the house of Elrond"/STIMPMITSisms
-Thursday, July 10: WISEGUYISMs (x2)
-Wednesday, July 9: The truth about Presidents day/Where is STIMPMITS?
-Tuesday, July 8: Channel 9 1/2 News/finding my writing Mojo
-Monday, July 7: What does it take to be an idiot? & lots of A WiseGuy once said...
-Friday, July 4: So you want to be a WiseGuy (test and answers)
-Saturday, June 28: My trip to Ohio & The Balad of Mt. Dew
-Friday, June 27: The Balad of a Slacker
-Sunday, June 22: Movie Parodies III
-Saturday, June 21: Movie Parodies II
-Friday, June 20: Movie Parodies I/ My new F***ing censor/The Hulk/STIMPMITS is random
-Thursday, June 19: Top 10 questions on my mind
-Monday June 16: A WiseGuy once said... & The Last words of Brave Idiots & What If: Stephen King and popular nursery Rhymes were combined?
-Sunday, June 15: Ladies and Gentlemen: STIMPMITS! & "HoogaBooga" in my Lucky Charms
-Saturday, June 14: CORPORTATE SCANDALS WEEK PART 4: CS MAN!
-Wednesday, June 11: THE LONGEST WORD IS REALLY LONG
-Friday, May 30: Matrix Quotes
-Wednesday, May 28: CORPORATE SCANDALS WEEK PART 2
-Tuesday, May 27: CORPORATE SCANDALS WEEK PART 1
-Sunday, May 18: THE FIRST (second, and third) EVER POSTS!!!!!
Well thats all of THE best posts ever. If your new to this site, go to these first. They're the best. There are some other good ones that didn't make this, but these are the finest that I felt like putting up. Enjoy the classics!
Monday, September 01, 2003
A large percentage of Americans have problems. But a slightly smaller percentage have a major Problem. A life threatening problem. Dot addiction. Dots are the gateway punctuation mark. They lead to colons, semi-colons, parenthesis, and maybe the deadly asterisk. If you, or a loved one has an addiction to dots, you should take action before it gets too bad. Thats why a big percentage of the slighly smaller percentage of the larger percentage of people addicted to dots use Nicordotte. Whether the gum, or the patch, it is a step in the right direction.
You can't do it, but Nicordotte can!
Sadly, many Americans die of an OD; or Over Dotse, each year. This can be prevented. Many healty alternatives to dots have been invented, such as the comma, or the bracket. Yet some people disregard all medical knowledge and use dots too get "literate". Let me tell you, I use to be a user back in the day when know one knew the consequences. My friends and I would stay up late learning just to get the buzz you get from being "literate". But it wears off; unfotunatley the side-effects don't. You may remain in the lower stages of being "literate" for several hours. You might even wake up the next morning feeling "Inteligent". But these feelings will pass after taking good old fashioned drugs.
Unfortunatley, for many the consequences of doing dots are smaller than the feeling of being "literate". Yet, one day you'll reach the point when being "smart", or "intelectual", or "knowledgeable" will wear off and you'll realize you've made a mistake. For those of you who have realized your mistakes and want to stop using dots, but can't because of the addicting nature of punctuation marks, your relief has come. Nicordotte. Whethere you chew nicordotte gum, nicordotte orange gum, or use the step-by-step nicordotte patch that slowly adjusts the ammount of dot until your cravings dissapear; you're still trying to quit. Anyone who has tried to quit dots before will tell you it's not easy. But when you wake up feeling normal and using sentences like "It aint time to wake up", or "Me and him are gonna go into town"; you'll realize just how much Nicordotte has helped you.
If you have a serious problem you may consider joing a local DA; or dotsaholic anonymous group, or checking into a punctuation rehab. Nicordotte should not be taken without consulting a doctor. Nicordotte may cause minor side-effects such as severe internal bleeding, going blind, death, and spontaneous combustion. Pregnant or nursing women, the elderly, the sane, children, middle-aged men, and clowns should not take Nicordotte. Nicordotte should not be taken while using heavy, medium, or light machinery; not to mention anything harder than breathing. You can't do it, but Nicordotte can!
Big deal, so I use dots. It's not like it can hurt me?
Right? I mean, if it was dangerous they would warn me.
Surgeon what's warning?
END DRAMATIC RE-INACTMENT
If this man weren't so busy "learning" he might have payed attention to the fluorescent pink WARNING: MIGHT KILL YOU, MORON labels on the front of packs of dots. You dont need to "learn" to be happy. Enjoy life. Nicordotte helps people who were lost become found.
I used to do dots. I was smarter, but was it all worth it? I got beaten up a lot, called a nerd, geek, dweeb, spazoid, spazwod, and other names. But then i "learned" the true effects of dots. All of those years of wedgies, swirlies, and wet-willies just because of dots. Thank you for helping me find the light Nicordotte.
END DRAMATIC RE-INACTMENT
Nicordotte can help you help yourself. So if you have an addiction to dots, don't wait till it's too late and your a doctor. Do something about it now.
You can't do it, but Nicordotte can!