The Randomness Continues

Thursday, August 28, 2003

They say we bad influence. We say fooey. They say we angry youth. We say fooey. They say we like every other angry white guy from Michigan. We run at them with rusty chain saw.

In society you hear a lot of terms like "money", "economy", "stock" and "company". But all of those terms are never mixed with terms like "the", "randomness", and "continues". You may not think we are a company, but we are a publicly traded company on the Nigerian Stock Exchange (aKa we're a rich third world company).

We're worth .43 cents. But that's a lot of money.... if you live in Nigeria... but even if you don't... I'm broke. So invest in us, you'll get the most out of insider trading, burning of documents, and idiotic leadership (did I tell you I'm also the only current Enron stock holder?).

They say we stupid. We say we agree. They say we not smart. We say who stupid now, Mr. wepeatedthesamequestion. Fooey.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

A cow being led to the slaughter. John Coffee going down the Green Mile. Daffy Duck arguing with Bugs Bunny on whether it is duck hunting season or rabbit hunting season. Me logging on to AOL. All of these sum up the hopeless feeling I have going into the first day of school. Many people say that school isn't bad, and they look forward to seeing their friends.

HAHAHA. I can see my friends whenever I want, so why would I want to give up sleeping until the crack of noon just to see people I'm (for the most part, some exceptions) sick of? I like sleeping in, staying up, and not thinking. It is my privelidge as a... uhh... person... from... this country...

I am definitley not a fan of school. I hate it and I think it sucks that we are all forced to become zombie stiffs and file into a plain, boring, generic building to have some certified, totally boring junk shoved into our heads by other zombie stiffs who are getting paid to turn us into more zombie stiffs so we go on to assimilate more. The man who invented school must have been the same guy who invented the Borg from star trek. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

So in summary, I think it is our constitutional privelidge to not learn. After all, my ancestors came here late (like my whole family) just to benefit off of what hard working british people did, so I plan to continue that tradition by not lurning enytheng. boo ya.

The WiseGuy didn't know exactly what was happening. His alarm clock was buzzing but there were three problems with that. First of all he had hit the snooze already. Second of all, he didn't have an alarm clock. And finally, he wasn't sleeping, he was at McDonalds.

"Hello, welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?"
"I'd like one murdered cow, a bag of tasteless spuds, and some watered diet rip-off cola."
"That'll be $7.57. Please pull up to the first window."

The WiseGuy pulled up to the second window and pulled out his wallet. He reached in and pulled out a hand full of tic-tacs. You may ask why someone would have tic-tacs in their wallet. You may also be wondering what the WiseGuy was driving considering the perplexing problem of not having a car. He was riding a pinkle Lllama. Now you may have that itch in the back of your head that means your either thinking for the very first time or your confused for the 'who-knows-how-many-timth'. Either way, here you are pondering the word pinkle.

So what is pinkle. Pinkle is the mind numbing combination of pink and purple that little kids blended up in the sweat shops of Cambodia while on their coffee break from making my Nikes. Ok, maybe that was a little mean. These Nikes are really comfortable despite the fact that they are Adiddas, it was Indonesia, they werent smoking coffee, they were captured American Tourists, and pinkle is just a figment of my delusional mind after smelling too many fake pine car fresheners.

So here we are about 5 or 6 mouse clicks in and I still have gotten to no point in this story. Lets just say I never got my murdered cow, my tasteless spuds, or my watered down diet rip-off cola. In fact I couldn't even eat my llama because he didn't exist and I was really riding a magic carpet.

Now where in Michigan do you get a magic carpet? Exactly. I wasn't in Michigan anymore. I think I was in some foreign country that ends in "stan"... maybe japanistan. So here I was sitting in the drive-through of a non-existant McDonalds riding my non-existant pinkle llama while eating my non-existant murdered beef, my non-existant tasteless spuds, and my non-existant watered down rip-off cola in a non-existant country called japanistan just because my non-existant alarm clock didn't go off.


So in a nut shell I just explained how I'm going to feel on the morning of the first day of school... any questions? Too bad.


(NOTE: GO TO THIS WEBSITE ON AUGUST 25 TO CATCH THE ONE DAY PREMIER AND RETIREMENT OF MY STORY [captain amazing and the freedom squadron]. IT WILL BE ON THIS SITE FOR ONE [1, uno] DAYS. YOU MISS IT, YOU MISSED IT PAL.)

Friday, August 22, 2003

Hello, and welcome back to The Randomness, the only website that brings you insanity and Entertainment in one big warm and fuzzy hug that does not involve the Olsen Twins. That made no sense what-so-ever. Oh well, a lot of things I say don't make sense (cherry flavored corn dogs with a splash of sea surprise) but some people still think I'm funny.

Which leads us straight into what I'm here to talk about. A lot of people think I'm funny . These people are usually between the ages of 10-20. But for the first time EVER, an adult person that I've never ever met said I was funny and entertaining. If a woman age 21-49 thinks I am funny, the only demographic I have not reached yet is Clowns age 10-100 and Gypsy Tennis Players named Rhandelli aged 0-1000. I'm on my way though.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

The other day I was flipping through the TV channels looking for something to watch. As usual on every channel before 5 o'clock... there was absolutley nothing on. Then, just as I was preparing to watch an infomercial on Jack Lelane's power juicer (I've watched that infomercial 7 times... you can put WHOLE apples in that baby) I heard those infamous lyrics.... "... and move to Beverly. Hills that is. Swimming Pools. Movie Stars." Yes, the Beverly Hillbillies. Not the old show... the movie. Yes... the god-awful movie. But it made me start thinking.... 60's and 70's shows like The Brady Bunch, The Beverly Hillbillies, SWAT, Starsky and Hutch, and many more are, were, or will be movies. That's not really the problem... the problem is, if 30 or 40 year after it was on TV these shows are made into movies... will we see a Friends movie in 30 years?????? Just the thought of it makes me sick... but it could be worse. Survivor: The Movie????? Not yet... hopefully not never... wow my grammar sucks. Could horrible TV series really become horrible movies??????
(NOTE: I ACTUALLY HEARD SWAT WAS AN AWESOME MOVIE)
I seriously hope they (movie writers, producers, directors) don't screw the industry even more by making a Joe Millionaire Movie. That would be beyond sucking. Wayyyyy beyond. But there is a positive side of making TV series into movies... mainly The Simpsons (currently in its 15th season. Slated for 16... THREE movies are going to be made after the show ends... wow, I'm in simpsons Nirvana) and Samurai Jack (no word on any movie for this show... just wishful thinking on my part... but imagine, someone like Jet Li as Jack... man that would be sick) as movies. That would be unbelievably awesome. Well... enough of my rantings... for now.


They say we no good. We say fooey. They say you stop now. We say fooey. They say you go school now, learn, get job sitting in cubicle. We run at them with rusty chainsaw.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Hello, and welcome to the Randomness. I am the WiseGuy (aKa SINister Apple Jacks aKa Frantic Panda aKa The Last unholy Pizza Man aKa Your twin bebop... ok, I have a lot of names...) your last chance for survival in a world of pink streamers and lathargic eskimos. Ok... that intro made even less sense than if you read a Steven King book upside down (even right side up it makes my head hurt). So lets go onto the fooey...


Now, you may have heard about that little black out that happened... and no I'm not being sarcastic. It was little. I lost power for 24 hours. That's it. I've lost power for a week before... but this time was different. Now, my little hick-town wasn't the only place being effected by a power outtage (last time a squirrel bit the wire that leads to the transformer. The squirrel lit up like a gas-soaked christmas tree and the transformer popped like a M-80 in a gopher hole. Fun fun. Well this time it effected every where between New York and Detroit. So... people go crazy. I went to the store yesterday to buy some Jones and there was nothing that even kind of resembled water (or donuts...). Did people think that the world was going to end? OH MY GOD WE CAN'T PLAY PLAY STATION. IT'S ARMAGEDDON! No electricity is not a big deal... I played Scrabble and lit off bottle rockets (yes... I can speel).

NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.
NO TV AND NO JONES MAKE WISEGUY GO CRAZY.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

So I was thinking about the direction this blog wants to go in. We have many choices. We could:
-Talk about Kobe Bryant
-Talk about California
-Talk about Kobe Bryant in California
-Talk about California in Kobe Bryant

See???? Those are the "many" directions we can go in. But instead, we're going to run in triangles. Yup. Triangles. Not circles. No hexagons. No, not even in half-circles. Triangles. Why????? Because they're more efficient. With circles you keep going and never stop. With heaxagons you stop too much... and Half-circles are just too wierd. Well, here we go.


Just about everyone is running for Governor in California. Arnold Shwarzenegger, Galagher, Gary Coleman. But there is one big person missing who isn't running for Governor, but controls the whole state. Who???? Well, he owns two anaheim sports teams, a theme park, and makes too many horrible sequels to good movies. Give up yet????

Mickey Mouse. First California... then the world!!!!!


(NOTE: I DO OTHER THINGS THAN WRITE... I DOCTOR PICTURES AND ADD CAPTIONS. IF YOU WANT ALL OF MY PICTURES SENT TO YOU JUST EMAIL ME AT WISEGUY32188@AOL.COM. UNDER SUBJECT WRITE: PICTURES.)

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Hello, and welcome to The Randomness! This website has, for almost three months brought you laughs. Even if you don't know what a sense of humor is and your such an SOB that you hate the sound of childrens laughter your probably still got atleast one or two laughs out of this site. But I'm still not famous. I should have my face on wanted posters in Post Offices or something... but no! I'm still just a faceless face in the crowd... wait, that doesn't make sense! Regardless, one day though I will get mine!


3,000,000,000 (for the lack of space we'll call it a long time) YEARS IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!

[FUTURE MAN]: Wow! Look at this box thing called a Commie Puter. Look at this website on there. It's called THE RANDOMNESS CONTINUES! How amazing! This WISEGUY must be a god or something. Lets worship him in a non-sacreligious way!
[OTHER FUTURE MAN]: Yes. Let us do that. Can you believe people watched American Idol instead of going to this website every day religiously????


You see??????? I'm a (non-sacreligious) future god!!!!!!! All shall (non-sacreligously) bow down to my (non-sacreligious) power!!!!!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!!!! Well, maybe they wont... but still. If you consider the number of people who watch "Television" compared to the number of people who "non-sacriligiously worship me" there are a lot more people rotting their minds than watching television... oh wait, thats rotting their minds than going to my site. You know what I mean.

This is your (Non-sacreligious) future (non-sacreligious) god saying (non-sacreligiously) good-night and (non-sacreligiously) god(s) bless. Wow, thats a lot of (non-sacreligious) work.

Friday, August 08, 2003

The WiseGuy sat at his computer desk thinking. What exactly he was thinking is not as important as why he was thinking what he was thinking. All of this thinking was starting to hurt his head, so he decided to ponder a while. Pondering was like thinking but it required a little more what than why. When you think you ask "Why are you thinking", but when you ponder you ask "What are you pondering". Not because there's some un-written law against
"Thinking what", but mainly because "Pondering why" sounds a little old fashioned. His head started hurting again. Maybe all of this wondering about thinking and pondering was a little too much. He didn't like wondering, even more than he didn't like pondering. He was a thinking man. But thinking hurt. Dreaming was okay. Especially if you think about dreaming. But all of the thinking about pondering about wondering about dreaming was starting to make him halucinate. He didn't like halucinating. Just as much as he didn't like pondering or wondering. Halucinating was for junkies and people who work for Disney. He was a thinking man. But exactly why or what he was thinking about wasn't as important as how he was thinking. Was he truley sitting in front of a computer thinking about wondering about pondering about dreaming about halucinating about sitting in front of a computer? Or was he dreaming about halucinating about dreaming about thinking about dreaming he was in front of a computer? All he knew was that if he was dreaming about halucinating about dreaming about thinking about halucinating about dreaming about wondering about pondering about dreaming.... when he woke up he needed a lot of Aspirin.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Todays post is brought to you by: GAG AND BAG, Americas most trusted murder for hire since 1957. Do you trust just anyone to kill someone for you? At Gag and Bag, it's a third-generation family business. Don't get caught with your ex-wife lying chopped up on the floor and the bloody axe in your hand ever again!

Hello, and welcome back to The Randomness! With all of the "Dark" things happening in the "Near" future, I think it's time we take a look at a few differences between the "Good" side and the "Bad" side.

LLAMA:

PRO:
-They are friendly
-Eat hay, oats, llama food out of those machines at the fair
-Represent all that is good and righteous in the universe.
-Are soft and huggable.
-Lived in Peru once.
-Can be kept in the same pens as sheep.
-Like to run.
-Can’t swim or fly (but don’t pretend to do either!).
-Were essential to Incas.
-Have long necks.
-Are mammals (not aliens, like the penguin).

CON:
-They spit (not as much as camels).


PENGUIN:

PRO:
-They live in cold climates (such as the South Pole... which is nowhere near).

CON:
-They eat fish (which stink and are expensive).
-They can't fly but they have wings.
-They are friends with cows.
-They live in cold climates (such as the South pole... which is too close).
-They swim using “Wings” not “flippers”.
-A penguin stole Wallace’s trousers (Wallace and Grommit).
-Penguin is a bad guy from Batman.
-They look like they are wearing tuxedos (aKa spies...).

See???? The LLAMA PRO’s far out-weigh the PENGUIN PRO’s and the PENGUIN CON’s far out-weigh the LLAMA CON’s... thus LLAMAS are better than PENGUINS!!!!

The end of todays post is brought to you by: SMITH’s EXORCISM, Americas most trusted company for expelling demons from your loved ones for over 10 minutes! If the devil has your goldfish, who are you gonna call? Not the GHOST BUSTERS! SMITH’s EXIRCISM!!!

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Copyright ® 2003 LLAMAS ARE BETTER THAN PENGUINS INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Monday, August 04, 2003

RIP

STIMPMITS

( )-2003

He was so young...

Actually no one knows how old he was...

He could be older than this rock I'm holding...

Or this shovel I'm holding...

To go dig up STIMPMITS's body...

And Use the book of Amun-Ra (Darn you Mummy Movies!!!!) to ressurect him...

And maybe Chris Farley....

He was so funny...

Not STIMPMITS...

He was just there...

He was so young...

Wait...

If horror movies have taught me anything about attempting to raise the dead...

Oh yeah...

Bring Hot-Pockets...

The dead are dead...

So they're probably hungry...

And bring milk...

Because if you give a Mummy a hot pocket...

He'll probably ask for a glass of milk...

And if you give him a glass of milk...

He'll probably want to ressurect his old girl friend...

And then she'll want a hot-pocket...

If you give a mummy-chick a hot-pocket...

She'll probably ask for a glass of Skim Milk to keep her gorgeous half-rotten figure...

But since all we have is 2%...

Why not take a poll over which is better...

The Penguin, or the Llama?

Take out your number 2 pencils...

[ ] Llama

[ ] Penguin

[ ] Bob Dole


.... Calculating Results ....

Llamas are better...

That's why...

We're going to war...

To avenge STIMPMITS's death...

He was so young...

(LITTLE VOICE): But didn't the bathroom ninjas kill him?

He was so young...

So enlist now!!!! Take up arms and fight for the LLAMAS!!!!!

He was so young...





Copyright ® 2003 LLAMAS ARE BETTER THAN PENGUINS INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.





Not much is known of the next few weeks of Ot's travels... but this much is certain... somewhere along the way he learned of the "Island of Lost Dreams" (DAMN YOU SPY KIDS FOR TAKING IT FIRST). It has been told that the IoLD is home to all the failed co-writers of the past. So Ot was generally certain that he could find a writer to take over for his lazy otter self. So anywho, there were only two entrances to the IoLD... one of them was greatly overlooked by historians and Ot alike is known only as the "back door"... but it was far too easy so most avoided it. The other was a sacred gate that could only be opened by the "blue key"... The keepers of the "blue key" have since the start of time been the reclusive tribe known as the "blue team". In recent times the "blue key" has fallen into the hands of the "red team".... after several weeks Ot arrived at the fotress of the "blue team"... here our story will resume.

"HOLY SH*T A TALKING OTTER" screamed the chief of the blue team.

"Yes i am and otter... and yes i can tal-"

"You things are so cute ya know" interupted the chief.

Ot sighed in annoyance.

"I've always wanted a pet otter... i mean who hasnt... they always have that playful aura to them" the chief wore an expression of pure joy.

"I'm here to discuss the "blue k-" but soon after he had uttered the letter k the chiefs smile faded from his face... Ot continued "ummm first of all I'd like to make a deal... if i can get you the key would you be willing to let me use it to get to the IoLD"

"This isn't a game of Zelda ya know... but yes if you get it back i suppose I'll let you use it... but understand that this blue key is very important to us bluepeople" (something of the way he said it made Ot think that it was one word).

"One question... why is the key so important to you?" asked Ot.

"Well ya know... its a bit complicated... ya know... it's blue... we're blue... it just is alright"

Ot set off to get the key

TO BE CONTINUED AGAIN B*TCH

Sunday, August 03, 2003

A WiseGuy's theory on: Lying

Creative Story telling. BSing. Stretching the truth. Breaking the truth. Anything Bill Clinton says. Whatever you want to call it. They all mean the same thing; lying. Now, I don't support lying like I support the super ball (you know, those super bouncy balls), but lying is a primal instinct, like breathing, sleeping, or ******* in the lawn (NOTE: If you can figure out what seven (*) means then you get a buck). My kind of lying (I did my homework but I got mugged by a gang of homework-thugs that steal my homework every day after I do it (HA!)) isn't as bad as a parent telling a story to their child and making them think it's real. All of our parents did this. We all loved this time of year when mom and dad would tell us of our favorite person. Rosy cheeks, a gleam in his eyes. He will always be one of the most famous icons of a holiday. Of course I'm taling about Richard Nixon... or am I? (Dramatic music like "Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnn!!" Hmmmm




Milk, does the refrigerator good.

An otter swam in the ocean... his name has since been lost... so for the sake of things we shall call him Ot. He was a playful young otter without a care in the world... he just sat around all day having fun and swimming across the great depths of the ocean... (actually it was lake michigan for all you assholes who care).

One day he was minding his own business when he stumbled across a near dead human on a sand dune...

"listen to me" he whispered "i n-n-need you to p-p-post for me"

a tear fell from the otters eye

"One m-more thing..."

The otter looked confused

"could you hide my porno so my m-m-mom doesnt find it ARGHHHHHHH" STIMPITS fell silent as blood trickled from his wounds and his eyes glanced into nothingness

Ot glanced at the body, and as a distant breeze ruffled his fur he thought "Screw you dude... im a f*cking otter... theres no way in hell im replacing you as the co-writer for The Randomness continues... I'll find someone else for you but im sure as hell not doing it"

Thus began the quest for a replacement character in this blog....

TO BE F*CKING CONTINUED....

STIMPITS was running. He was running from all things he knew were soon to catch him. He was running from responsibility and fear. He was running from all the taxi cab drivers that he was sure would turn around to be monsters.

Running up a sand dune seems pointless.

Running in general kind of pointless at all in fact

STIMPITS seemed to be doing it a lot latey... what with all the bathroom nimas chasing him... He was a marked man. But they would not catch him.... for he was STIMPITS.... but one day....

STIMPITS fell.... The sand dune had defeated him.... and he was so tired of running that he did not get up... the bathroom ninjas soon caught him and slit his throat... STIMPITS lay slain on the side of the sand dune...

(thats exactly how i felt at cross country camp(but yes STIMPITS is dead)(and no he's not coming back... but i will keep posting as a new character))