The Randomness Continues

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Captains log, stardate a few hours ago. My trip to where no man has ever gone... and returned sane...

The fourth of July is coming up... so like any pyro maniacs would do, my brother and I set off to find "the good ones". You know... the kind that blow up, shoot in the air, make a lot of smoke. Those. Well, in Michigan those are illegal (meaning it's bad if they catch you), yet in Ohio they're legal. So we made the journey deep into uncharted territory. On the way there (still in Michigan) we spotted a fireworks store about a mile from the bored with Ohio. We decided they probably would not have any of "the good ones" so we passed it. We got to Toldeo, got on Detroit Ave., and then it all fell apart. We spent about an hour going up and down that road following signs for fireworks. We followed one until the road ended, gave up and decided to go home. The problem was.... we couldn't find the road to get back due to construction. We finally found the detour, got on the highway... and then missed our exit. We got off and turned back around to find the way back so we could take our exit. We pulled up to a road... and then it hit me. WE WERE BACK ON BLOODY DETROIT STREET!!!!! From there we worked our way back to the detour, TOOK our exit and went back to good ole Michigan. We decided we would atleast TRY this place about a mile from Ohio... you never know, maybe they had some OK stuff. Turned out they had all "the good ones" and it was in Michigan... and it was illegal. But we didn't care... Ohio sucks!!!!!!!!

The ballad of Mountain Dew (elixir of life)

Mountain dew, I love you,
in the morning you make me feel all new.
I'm always tired, but with you
Im wired, and I feel like I could run a lot.

They say Yellow 5, will make my [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] small,
yet until that day, im feeling kind of tall!
Theres some livewire in the fridge,
and some code red in the pool.
You might think I'm some kind of a fool,
but chlorine keeps it really cool.

Sure it will kill me,
but I'll die happy,
even though my dental record is
fairly crappy.
My teeth will rot,
and fall right out,
it's going to happen sometime
so why not now?

I love my green, orange, and red,
and hopefully some time blue.....
even if it will make me dead.....
I'll know I'm happier than you!

So Kill me now,
but let me have
several bottle of that amazing crap.
The elixir of life,
the fountain of youth,
the amazing chemicals that makeyou look cool.

And until that day,
when I die,
there is nothing that,
you can do to I (me).
So now in life
There's nothing that can ruin my day....
until you take my mother Fucking Mountain dew away.

Friday, June 27, 2003

The Ballad of a Slacker.

I wake up at noon,
think I'm looking at the moon.
It's the sun, my old friend,
I remember him well.
Before I slacked off and
doomed my self to... oH wELL.

I'm not a bad person,
I just make bad decisions.
I can hit a goose using a rock
with perfect procision.
But I made some mistakes,
not everyone's perfect.
I am kinda sorry bout
setting fire to the carpet.

You look at me like Im some kind of a freak,
just cuz I don't go outside for 5 weeks.
I sit in my basement watching TV and movies,
I could be doing other things (add D and B to "oobies").
So give me a break,
I'm a person too.
Even though I may belong in some kind of a zoo.

Next time you see me,
Hat, baggy pants and a hoodie.
Don't stare, run, or laugh,
But you might wanna sue me...
after I run out in traffic and out to your car...
and cover you with an industrial drum full of tar.

I just find these things funny,
and fairly amusing.
The world is my playground,
free for my abusing.
I like to laugh, and jump, and play,
I even like calling straight people... JAY LENO!

You can call me mean,
you can call me bad,
but making people miserable,
is kind of a fad.
I like to see,
the look on the face,
of the person who..
owns this place
that I just trashed...
but for the most part it's ok
you just might want to give it
a couple of days.

I don't need ritalin,
drugs are bad,
my mind is rotted out
but I still know that.
You can lock me up
and throw away the key.....
but when everythings quiet
you'll miss me.

Are there others
who follow me?
Who would help me light fire
to a christmas tree?
I bet there are,
somewhere far....
but for now it's just me
torching your car.

And that is the last of my super cool rhyme,
I'd go on longer, but look at the time!
Theres stuff to do,
like cleaning up,
and frankly...
I don't give a...
FUdge and iCe cream with caKe!


Hello, and welcome to The Randomness where we find it customary to celebrate our nation by blowing up a small portion of it. This week will be our tribute to America, the only county that lets you have you cake, eat it, and then steal someone elses. Truley the land of the free. To start with, an account of the horrible fireworks I've seen in the past. You've seen this kind. They look big; yet you light them and all that comes out is a shower of sparks. It doesn't get worse than this. So my brother; now that he has money, decided to go to Ohio and get some good ones this year. (and by good I mean illegal in Michigan). Why not celebrate the freedom of all by doing something illegal? A few M-80's, some bottle rockets; you know. Fun stuff. But you have to remember not to do somethings Such as:
-Putting a bottle rocket in your mouth and then lighting it.
-Putting an M-80 in a badgers nest
-Putting a bottle rocket in a FULL bottle of alcohol
-Eating lit explosives.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

The WiseGuy sat at his computer drinking his breakfast Mt. Dew (livewire), when all of a sudden he noticed a chipmunk was on fire and starring at his Mt. Dew (livewire). He had some sympathy, so he went to the fridge and grabbed one for the chipmunk. It picked up the can, took a sip, and then promptly exploded.

Eth moral of thsi sotry?
-I cannot shpell
-Chipmunks explode

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Hello, and welcome back to The Randomness where we have concluded that 4 out of 5 drunk cats... can walk the line after being dropped from a 7 story building and landing. The fifth, and unfortunate cat sued us.

RIP, Fluffy. 2003-2003. She was so young!

And now on to the randomness. Holy Bisquik Batman! There's a four headed monster! It's name? Saddam rhadam bin Stuart. The four people currently in the news lumped together into one horrible creature. Put your children to bed for this one. We'll take a non-in deapth look at these four people. All four can be lumped into the term "terrorist", yet only two truley stick out in the minds of those who understand what "terror" truley is. In a special investigative report, I interviewed my lizard. This is what he said:

[ME]: So, how would you desrcibe the front page of the newspaper? What headline stories catch your intention?
[MY LIZARD]: ::silence::
[ME]: Really? You agree with me on the four headed monster thing?
[MY LIZARD]: ::silence::
[ME]: Really? You find a better news source than CNN?
[MY LIZARD]: ::silence::
[ME]: Fascinating, you truley are.

So there you go, atleast my lizard thinks we're doing a good job... wait what was I supposed to be doing?

In other news, I asked STIMPMITS how many times he had fought alligators in the last 25 years, he said several. So there you go folks, STIMPMITS says: GO FIGHT ALLIGATORS.

A notsoWiseGuy says:
-Very funny... who messed with my blog????

Monday, June 23, 2003

Bawitababannanakiwismootie Pdiddyisaguywholikestoboogy

The WiseGuy sat at his PC (personal Confuser) nursing a bottle of Jones soda. He stared at the sky and watched as dumbo the elephant was shot down by an F-16. Then he looked in the bottle, and reassured himself by looking at the label. "Nope," he thought to himself. "It's not alcoholic." The rest of the day continued like an old car with bad brakes in that there was a lot of squealing and smoke. The squealing was his guinea pig, the dictator who slept in a green igloo. The smoke was just one of the many things he accepted day to day, kind of like breathing, except this involved something catching on fire. All the same he ignored it and checked his email. He didn't want viagra, or a second mortgage (did he have a first?)... but then there was a letter that cought his attention... nope, just a letter telling him about a miraculous new age reversing pill... which made him think of his up coming court case with the (random acronym for the people who handle drugs and such) about his sales for STUPINOL. He looked out the window again. Hmmmm, they were scraping dumbo off of the neighbors roof... tough luck, he was no bambi. Then he looked back at his confuser. Several pop-ups came at once and some guy sitting in the AOL headquarters appeared to be the villain in a silent movie:

"Haha, and now to destroy the WiseGuy's connection to AOL. Ahahahaha."
"Haha, now I destroyed the WiseGuy's connection to AOL. Ahahahaha."

He had to remember not to send that guy a fruit basket at christmas. His computer was overloaded as another advertisement for Disney appeared on screen and his confuser exploded in a woosh of confetti. Outside he cursed dumbos name. Back inside he looked at his Jones, and thought reasuringly "Maybe life isn't so bad..." as he took a sip and choked to death as the vile liquid filled his lungs and he exploded in woosh of confetti. Outside dumbo cheared... despite the fact that he now covered the area of 15 square miles. Stupid Elephant.

The moral of this story:
-Don't go water skiing with guys name Jimbo
-Go to my new website: for a collection of my writing
-Snails dont make good soup

It was a warm summer day in Saline. So warm in fact that most of the occupants of the houses covering saline were indoors. There was only one young boy still outside laying in the midst of a flower patch. He had long black hair that was always messy, however there was another thing that set him apart from the rest of the world.

It was a small scar shaped like a lightning bolt. He actually didnt have a scar, but sometimes he did pretend so.

Anywho.... as he was laying (quite comfortably) in this flower patch he noticed something he had never seen before. It was an owl flying strait toward him. He has never seen an owl, and was quite shocked to see one in the daylight. Even moreso shocked was he when he noticed that the owl was carrying something. As it drew closer he realized that it was a packet of papers. a letter perhaps.

With the owl flying ever closer he picked up on the fact that it was there for him. As it flew overhead it dropped the package right onto his lap. "whats this" he thought... He tore the seal and opened the letter

"Dear Mr. STIMPITS, We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizadry. Inclosed is a list of the supplies you will be needing in your first year..."

WOW, thought STIMPITS, this was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for since... well basically the sixth grade.

To much of the dismay of STIMPITS this is about the time when his alarm clock went off and he was woken from this magical dream. "DAMMIT", he cursed. It was so real. "I need to stop rereading Harry Potter" he thought

He rose his wand, pointed at the light, shutting it off, and went to bed again.

Hello, and welcome back to The Randomness, the only website that is illegal in all 50 states (actually we just don't like Kansas...). I havent made a "true" entry for a while, mainly because I was really busy. But the parodies turned out good (atleast I think so). But I'm back now.... whether that it a good thing... or a bad thing. Todays randomness will be light and tasteful (like a coolata!). Ok... you're probably all wondering what in the name of elvis a coolata is. Well it's some drink from Dunkin Donuts. I saw an ad for it while writing my blog on friday..... so like all crazy people I put it down. On to the randomness. Today the randomness was officially bashed by my dog, who called it a ,"woof woof woof woof grrrrrr woof!" Now I'm no translator, but I think that means something like 'Your web site sucks puny human!". Oh well....

A wiseguy once said.....
-When in doubt, don't think, because then you're not in doubt anymore.
-Trying to find out a come back for "up yours!', I messed up and said "down his!'... they didn't take that well at all....
-There is a thin line between sanity and insanity... we call them teachers
-I believe in evolution.... I mean, how else would idiots grow up to be jack as*es?
-Life is like a bad a Leonardo Decaprio movie... I mean HE'S in it!
-When things get real bad just think about the guy who lit his pants on fire trying to burn the cord that tied his legs to the bomb.... then you'll laugh, forget why you're misserable, mess something up, and die a painful, agonizing death.
-The word dumb does not describe people with lesser inteligence... it describes the moron who added a "B" at the end of Dum.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

[LUKE]: Haha, I'm gonna win.
[HAN SOLO]: Always let the wookie win... he doesn't like losing.
[LUKE]: But i'm so much better than him!
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
::picks up Luke and throws him out of the space ship::
[GEORGE LUCAS]: Oh great, now what am I going to do? Good job, you scruffy nerf hearder!
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
::throws George Lucas out of the space ship::
[HAN SOLO]: So... Chewy... want to get some coolatas??
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
[HAN SOLO]: No you can't have a cappuchino one... we're getting lemon!
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
::throws Han out of the space ship::
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
[R2]: Beep beep beep whirr woop woop beep
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
[C3PO]: Can I come too? I want a lemon coolata!
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
::throws C3PO out of the space ship::
[CHEWBACA]: Growl... Growl... roaarrrrrrr
[R2]: Beep beep beep whirr woop woop beep
::they go get cappuchino coolatas::

[FOREST GUMP]: Life is like a box of chocolates....
::opens the box, finds a box of vanilla candy::
[FOREST GUMP]: .....
::falls over dead::

[HAN SOLO]: Hey kid... that's wierd about Leia being your sister!
[LUKE]: Yeah, I can't believe I fuc--.... I mean, yeah, wierd

[DOROTHY, TINMAN, COWARDLY LION, AND THE SCARECROW]: Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the ye---
::suddenly tinman stops and looks across a field::
[TINMAN]: Did you ever notice that?
::they all look across the field to a green brick road::


[DOROTHY, COWARDLY LION, AND THE SCARECROW]: Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road!

::as they skip away there is a sign FREE SCRAP METAL sitting by a broken tinman::

[Q]: Well Bond, I see you've done a lot more damage to this car I gave you.
[JAMES BOND]: No worries...
[Q]: No worries??? This car costs---
[JAMES BOND]: I have that insurance...
::trips over missile launcher::
[Q]: What insurance?
[JAMES BOND]: You know... that new kind of insurance. The one with total coverage.
::accidently turns on automatic laser sytem::
[Q]: Does it cover ducks?
::James shoots the duck::
[JAMES BOND]: No... but he covers us.
::everyone laughes as feather float everywhere::

[BRUCE BANNER]: When it happens.... when I totally lose control.... I like it...
::looks away from betty ross towards the camera::
[BRUCE BANNER]: But no one likes losing control of their credit card. That's why I use the Capital One no hassle card. If you credit card is lost or stolen... they don't charge you for a new one. Capital One. What's in your walle---

::technincal difficulties::

Saturday, June 21, 2003

[TRINITY]: . You're looking for him. I know, because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question just as I did.
[NEO]: What is the Matrix?
[TRINITY]: The answer is out there, Neo. It's looking for you. And it will find you, if you want it to.
[NEO]: No... I already know the answer.
[TRINITY]: Really??? What is the Matrix?
[NEO]: It's a car from toyota. It has a 180-hp VVTL-i engine.
[TRINITY]: ....


[MORPHEUS]: No one can be told what the matrix is---
::Trinity whispers something to him::
[MORPHEUS]: Really??? 53 cu. ft. of cargo space????


[AGENT SMITH]: Mr. Anderson.... it may shock you that your life is a lie.... just part of the Matrix.
[NEO]: No... the Matrix is a quite roomy car from Toyota which has a starting price of $15,155.
[AGENT SMITH]: Really??? That's a good deal. Does it come in black?
[NEO]: Four shades.
[AGENT SMITH]: Finally... I can stop driving my beat up '77 Ford.


Friday, June 20, 2003

[Yoda]: Do, or do not. There is no try.
[Luke]: Hmmm.... I choose do not. Hey R2, lets go get some Coolatas!!!!
[R2]: Beep beep beep whirr woop woop beep
[LUKE]: No you can't have a cappuchino one.... we're getting lemon.

::sound of a car stopping, someone gets out and rings the doorbell::
[ME]: Is it here????
::runs to the door::
[ME]: Is it here???
::opens door::
[ME]: Is it here???
[Mailman]: Chill out kid
[ME]: Is it [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] here?????
[Mailman]: Kid... why did you just say CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA???
[ME]: Because my ***** are in that box you [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] mail man
[Mailman]: ....
::hands me the package::
[ME]: YES!!!!!!!
::opens it::
[ME]: Ok, I have my *uckin package now leave

The evolution of swearing on this site

Well today I saw HULK (I figured all caps would make it look all big and bad....), it was a SWEET movie! But I figured "Why not cash in on the super hero hype why it's here?". Not one to ignore the voices in my head I decided to find out what happens to old superheros when they retire... super heros that never make it... and whethere or not Batman is really a superhero (funny story... A few days ago I posted something from my other web site about batman not being a super hero... I got more e-mail about that than about seeing god in my lucky charms... wierd. One of them called me a [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] for having such a [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] web site.)... so what better of a person to ask than THIS GUY NAMED JOE WHO WORKS AT MCDONALDS (we'll call him Joe).

[ME]: So Joe... if that really is your name.... is it?
[JOE]: Yes.... or Jose if Im spanish
[ME]: Are you spanish?
[JOE]: No... Im japanese
[ME]: Really? You look German
[JOE]: (shakes head) Yes, I'm German. So what do you need? You were kind of sketchy on the details when you text messaged me at 3:17 in the morning and threatened my dogs life.
[ME]: Oh about that... your poodle is ok.
[JOE]: Thanks.... but I had a German Shepard.
[ME]: Really? Isn't your house the grey one by Dairy Queen?
[JOE]: I live in an appartment.
[ME]: .... Woops. Anyways. I saw HULK today... 12:30 show. Huh? Am I cool now???
[JOE]: My cousin got me that movie last week. I just saw THE HULK 2 on my computer this morning!
[ME]: Really?
[JOE]: No. You ever heard of Gullibles Travels?
[ME]: Yeah, I didn't like it though. I mean... so Darth Vader was his father?
[JOE]: .....
[ME]: That's besides the point. What came to ask you were some questions about super heros. Where do super heros go when they retire?
[JOE]: That little phone-booth in the sky.
[ME]: The ATT satellite?
[JOE]: Next question.
[ME]: What happens to failed super heros?
[JOE]: You mean like Corporate Scandals Dude?
[ME]: Next question.
[JOE]: Your asking the questions man.

Personally I think that went well....

Sometime after making a toasted farvae bean sandwich STIMPITS sat pondering. His day had resembled a very bad soap opera. So bad that it was in Spanish and even though he did not speak Spanish he could tell it was bad. Then it hit him...

What was it you ask that hit him... Was it the meaning of life??? Had he realized the purpose of life, the truth of God, the universe and everything??? Did he finally know why the number 42 had always appealed to him??? Had he risen to a new plane of human existence??? (three question marks eh...)

Of course not... it was a rather large astroid that hit him. Oh well, he thought, maybe some rather attractive girls will show up at my funeral. Then again, maybe he wouldn't not here to care. He sighed and went to make another sandwich.... Then it hit him...

Thursday, June 19, 2003

A young man and an old man sat on a bench waiting for a bus. The old man was holding a box of chocolate. He turned to the young man and went to offer him a piece, but the young man stood up and looked at him. "I've seen this movie man... they all die! You killed them!" And he ran off crying. Is this you? Do you often strike out at movie impersonators mistaking them for movies that actually suck? If you said yes, then you may be suffering from a disease known as SPS, or Stuid Person Syndrome. If you frequently have problems mistaking great movies like Happy Gilmore, Tommy Boy, and Dumb and Dumber with horrible movies like Titanic, Pearl Harbor, and a Beautiful Mind... you may be suffering from SPS. If this is you, contact your local Doctor, Nurse, Medicine Man, or drug dealer to get Stupinol, the 24 hour anti-stupidity pill that's actually made from tic-tacs painted red and white. 1 in nine people, 25%, suffer from PBS.... I mean SPS every year and are too dumb to go to there doctor. Be different. You may not be smart enough to know what super expensive, uneffective, horribly addictive drug can help you.... and neither do we. Wait.... the guy holding the cards says we do. And that drug is.... uh.... oh yeah. SPS... no, no, that's the illness. Stupinol can Help you. We can help.... wait.... hold on... don't cut me off!!! Now their going to kil----

Three people once stood in a line. No one knows what their names were but i suppose in the scheme of things it doesnt matter.

The first person in the line stated quite clearly "i for one would like to know who the hell this second guy is. I mean, seriously, he lends no talent or style to writing and no one even knows how to write in second person.

The second person remained silent.

The third person spoke up "We would all like to know what the hell it is that you do"

No answer


"I'm just gonna throw him off a bridge"
"He does have a point you know"

Then the first and third persons threw him off a bridge.

Ok so it might be a little unbelievabe but i can promise you this is exactly how the demise of second person writing transpired.... if anyone knows the fate of this poor 2nd person please do tell me as i would really like to write something in second person.

Hello, and welcome to The Randomness, The only website good enough to bring the news to some poverty-stricken third world counties. Have you ever thought about why somethings are? I know I do, and that's why today I will ask the top 10 questions on my mind (and then answer them... wierd huh).

10. What is so fun about the Rubix Cube??
-Personally, I hate those things. One day I see one lying on table, so I pick it up and try to solve it thinking, "I havent done one of these in such a long time!". Well about 5 minutes later I throw it against the wall and walk away saying, "I'm never going to pick that stupid piece of junk up again!". A few weeks later I'm walking in the room when I see a rubix cube and think to myself..... and thus the vicious circle continues.

9. Why do we (we being girls age 7-13) like boy bands so much?
-Think about how they were created: Some old, bald, fat, guy found the talent for just about every boy band we have. Then somewhere between "BackStreets Back" and the realization that "BackStreet" will never leave... they all sued this guy. So we (we being girls age 7-13) listen to their songs about Love, and love, and love, and love.... wait a minute. They sued their creater, the guy who have them their big break to become famous, but all they sing about is love????

8. What is it about bubble gum (or all kinds of gum)?
-Gum is something that loses taste very fast, it gets caught in your teeth, and most of the time it makes your mouth dry. Yet if someone pulls out a pack of Juicy Fruit in a crowded room, everyone is trying to get some. If cigarrette companies started making bubble gum what would be the chance that soon you'd have to be 18 to buy bubble gum???

7. Why do people go to extremley fancy restaurants?
-I was watching this cooking show about the most fancy restaurants in the world one time. Every single one they showed served hardly any food. Then why in the world do people spend like 50.00 buying something that my dog would ignore it’s so small (well, thats a lie considering my dog eats plastic)? You could keep that 50.00, and go get McDonalds.

6. Why is everything so incredibly expensive at movie theaters?
-I was going down the road yesterday when I saw one of those stands where little kids are trying to make money to go buy pokemon cards. Of course, I told my dad to go faster so they won’t see us. But I had to notice their prices. 75 cents for a pop. Thats pretty good. Now we look at movie theaters. When I saw X2 I was walking out and I noticed the pop machines were charging 2.50 a pop. Then I had an idea: Go to the pokemon kids, beat them up and steal their pop and then smuggle it into the movie theater! (NOTE: IF YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD SAMARITAN DON’T DO THAT... THERE ARE OTHER WAYS. NOT AS FUN... BUT THERE ARE OTHER WAYS.)

5. It’s not Tv, it’s HBO. Then what the heck is HBO?
-HBO (the hobo network as I call it) claims they’re “Not Tv, it’s HBO”. But technically HBO is seen on the TV. So what the heck is it? A movie channel? That’s still TV. Did somebody say false advertising? (I know I didn’t, I love the hobo network).

4. Why is Godzilla so popular?
-So a giant green dragon thingy goes around crushing buildings and killing people, but then Mothra shows up and he’s like a Japanese god???? I’m so confused. I was watching some mothra movie where he fights this dragon thingy, talks to these normal sized boys, who then talk to these super small princesses that hold porcelin swords. What good would a porcelin sword do??? Crazy Japanese.

3. What’s the deal with Coffee?
-I am one of those people who drinks non-diet pop, who doesn’t touch anything that says caffeine free... yet I hate coffee. Coffee is like the mother of cafeinated drinks (with Mt. Dew being her slacker son), yet I hate it so much. It smells good... tastes bad, looks bad, feels bad. Maybe I’m crazy (which I am), but I don’t see the appeal of hot drinks. Give me a nice cold one (and by that I mean pop) any day.

2. Why is batman a superhero?
-What does it take to be a superhero? (NOTE: THIS IS DIRECTLY FROM MY OTHER WEBSITE)
To be a superhero you have to have SUPER powers, if you pull timmy O'toole (simpsons) out of a well you may be a hero, but did you pull timmy O'toole out with your super strength while wearing your spandex and your mask that conceals you are a normal person who uses his super powers to combat those of an evil genius who's powers are not even close to his, but threatens the life of all of the people in the town with a name that ends with "--opolis" by using his massive army of evil henchman wearing cotton ski masks who all are about the same hight and IQ along with a group of evil friends who splot schemes to destroy the town and rid the world of their common enemy whom all have been captured by and eventually escaped!!!! (Breathing heavily) I thought not!!!!! Now you may be saying, well batman has all those things, no. You have to have powers given to you on a distant planet or that you got in a freak accident. NOT BEING RICH!!!

1. Why can’t real life be like cartoons?
-Whylie coyote is chasing the road runner. He’s running so fast he doesn’t even notice he’s coming to a cliff. He stops, there’s smoke around his feet, he looks back and see’s the road runner. The smoke clears and he’s standing on air. He looks down, puts up a sign that says “yipes” and then falls. Wouldn’t that be cool? You can’t fall unless you acknowledge your going to fall by looking down. SWEET! GOODBYE FEET! Lets look at another way cartoons are better than real life. Daffy duck is arguing with Bugs Bunny about whether it’s duck season, or rabbit season, while Elmer fudd stands next to them with a shotgun. They continue their argument until Bugs Bunny finally gets Daffy to agree it’s duck season and he screams “FIRE”. Elmer shoots him and all that happens is his beak gets turned around. AH THE SWEET BLISS OF CARTOONS. MY FIRST, AND ONLY TRUE FRIEND.

Well that’s it, I hope you liked hearing all of the craziness in my mind escape with a loud “SNAP, CRACKLE, POP”.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Hello and welcome to The Randomness, the only site that does not know who Abid Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti is, or do we really care.... but CNN has been blaring his name for the last several hours, so why not? Lets get everybody built into a frenzy about how he "could" know where the pieces of Saddam are.... I hate the media so much. But anyways, to celebrate the fact that this website has been around for a month and has only been given hate mail 5 times... we have A GLIMPSE INTO THE ROOM OF A WISEGUY. Ever wonder what a geniuses room looks like? Well, it's small, full of books, hard wood floors, and a huge bed made out of mahagony. But what about my room? Well, it's small and filled with garbage. I think there has only been two times EVER where I couldn't see the floor of my bed room because there was so much junk on it. When I was like 5, and now. When your 5 you have a ton of toys. You haul some out, play with them for 5 minutes and then haul some more out... and the vicious cycle continues until you can't move. Well that's kind of like the way it is now, except in place of toys I have:
-Papers from school that are waiting to be burned
-Clothes that I'm to lazy to pick up
-Junk... there really isn't a reason this is there... it just kinda is

So how do I clean my room? Here are some steps that everybody (every guy) can relate to:

Step One: Decision to clean room made by spouse/mom/land lord/department of national security.
Step Two: State of Emergency issued, several runs to the store to get garbage bags/dynamite.
Step Three: Process involves several hours of "pretending to be cleaning while really inside room with door closed, music playing so loud no one can here if your working, sleeping on the bed covered with garbage.
Step Four: spouse/mom/land lord/department of national security usually resorts to some kind of motivational threat, as in "If this room isn't cleaned I'm going to kick you out".
Step Five: Process gets underway in the "excavational phase" where most of the time is spent digging through clothes, boxes of old clothes, boxes of new clothes, pizza boxes, etc.
Step Six: Process ends about 2 days later when stench becomes unbareable, and you end up throwing EVERYTHING out.
Step Seven: Repeat process 6-12 weeks later. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

So now if your spouse/mom/land lord/department of national security asks you to clean/excavate your room/living area you know what to do. I'm out/gone/leaving/bye.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Well, there were no strange things appearing in my breakfast cereal today. I guess that’s a good thing.... (Geraldo.... shudder). Well onto the randomness. Today I realized exactly how imporatant the evolution of technology is for humanity. Don’t take my word for it, look at the timeline I made (I guess that’s still taking my word for it) and make your decision.

-Fire: Ever since man invented fire there has been nothing but good things happening.... people melting army men, burning stuff... you must be thinking, “Wow, that doesn’t sound good to me!”. But you’re not a bored teenager with a zippo are you??? (if you are than welcome to the club)

-Paper: You can do stuff with paper... not that anyone does anymore. I mean why kill trees when you can kill brain cells by using the internet (uhhhh, me like compoooter).
-Llamas: What a great invention! I mean how long did it take Leonardo Davinchee to come up with that one?

1903: Now two of the most influencial long lasting inventions were created in 1903. That would be, of course, the kilt klippers (giving your Kilt a more fashionable look for 100 years!) and rubber chicken cream (Does your rubber chicken need a polish??? I know mine does. Now your rubber chicken can look brand-new, out-of-the-box, sparkling new.)

1970: When Geminy Cricket invented the internet everything came together. No longer did we have to walk 8 miles through the snow to buy things on ebay (I mean at the corner store)! Now we can just turn on an annoyingly slow computer, sift through hundreds of spam messages, pop-ups, and worthless advertisement banners, and then we’re home-free until our computer crashes and AOL kicks us off.

Some where between A VERY LONG TIME AGO and 1970:
Sliced Bread: No longer do we have to eat sandwhiches on stone... we have bread that we don’t have to easily cut with a knife!!! How convenient!

-The toilet
-The telephone
-George W. Bush

What If:
Michael Crichton and the creators of South Park made a movie together???
(As told by the Randomness monkies)

In between eating and creating an inter-dimnetional time portal to resurect the ancient scrolls of Yadda-yadda and using them to manifest an army of nano-robotic-time taveling-cloned dinosaurs on an island off the coast of Cost Rica, Kenny died when he exposed him self to bio-nucleotic gamma nucleo radiation and discovered a race of giant Gorillas living in the middle of The Congo!!!!! Then they all swore a lot, and discovered a giant space craft in the bottom of the ocean that contained a sphere that tried to kill them all. Then they all made fart noises, laughed a lot, called some guy gay, made fun of some people, then all were brought down to the anatomic level by a mad scientist who worked for a huge mega-corporation that was trying to clone humans from the blood of an ancient lost civilization who created technology thousands of times what we have thousands of years before humans evolved!!!!

A Wiseguy once said:
-Santa Claus is real, he works for Sprint.
-Summer is not a big conspiracy theory to plant the idea that we actually have freedom into the minds of dillusional high school students, and then drag us back 2 1/2 months later!
-I did not just lie (again!) ^
-Barbie dolls are not real, therefore my new SMALL PEOPLE RIGHTS ASSOCIATION. YAY! will do nothing in fighting the battle for the rights of enslaved tiny people all across the world! (join SPRA.Y)
-I am not stealing the neighbors mail and placing adds for ATT in the SPRINT bills (hehe)

What If:
Everyone in the world vowed to be nice to each other and nothing bad ever happened ever again?
(as told by the Randomness monkies)

99.9999999999999% of all of the television channels would no longer exhist, while Al Roker would be my mail man and Geraldo Rivera would be my barber.

Well that's it... or is it????

Yes, yes it is.

Monday, June 16, 2003

Tony awoke one morning with the promise of a normal summer day. Soon, however, his hopes of a nice peaceful day were crushed like a grape that has been mercilessly beaten by a big stick. It took him only several seconds to realize the following.

1. He was not at his house house (friend)
2. It was 6:30 in the morning
3. He had a counseler meeting at 8
4. Cross Country at 9
5. His hair was dyed slightly blue (irrelevent)

He struggled to get ready for the meeting (he had no idea what to expect) but was ready by the time his mother arrived to pick him up. He left without bothering to say goodbye...

He arrived at the school and went to the office where he caught the attention of a Mrs. H. Soon he found what the problem was. His class schedule stated that he had 2nd hour listed as a "free hour" (this was due to the fact that he will be taking German 1 2nd semester instead of 1st) He filled in Algebra 3 for the "free hour" (he has yet to realize that the class will consist mostly of upperclassmen). He moved on with his life.

9 o'clock soon rolled round. He met with the other runners (please note the "runners" means unhealthily skinny girls and fucked up guys) and ran 4 miles a little bit too fast. After this too fast run he experianced the first "exercise induced puking" of his life (he soon figured out why the girls were so unhealthily skinny).

Several seconds after he reached home he recieved a call from another runner (again... fucked up guy) inviting him to a water park. It was a bunch of fun racing down the lazy river all day. His friends and himself were only yelled at about 15 times and only threatened to be kicked out once. It was fun in the sun.

After all this sun and fun, tony was very tired. He went to sleep and later would most likely wake up. When he did wake up he noticed two things

1. He was slightly more tan
2. His back was burnt like hell.

He sighed and then he wrote this.....

This morning I sat starring at my cereal bowl... waiting for something to happen. After about 10 minutes all I had seen was a couple Pepsi commercials and an apparition of the maid from the Brady Bunch, when all of a sudden I noticed a shadowy face becoming clearer, deep in the Lucky Charms. I screamed in terror and threw the bowl to the ground as I watched tiny pieces of Geraldo Rivera scatter as they hit the floor. STIMPMITS has officially become "one of us", I know he's probably regretting that decision now. Oh well, atleast the monkies have some competition now (they don't like losing).

A WiseGuy once said:
-Death, like a new season of Survivor, is inevitable.
-The only thing that keeps me going is the realization that I’m so much better than Joe Millionaire.
-Don’t cry over spilt milk... but if you spill your Mt. Dew... heck, I’ll cry with you
-Being a sore loser is only half the battle... the games not over until you accuse the other team of cheating
-Big Bird’s ghost is not haunting my bathroom
-I did not let the dogs out
-One hit wonders still deserve recognition for their talent (they do... they have that show on VH1 hosted by Captain Kirk (I mean William Shatner))
-Slimer is not the best character in American cinema
-I always consider Star Wars as the best analogy for life... a little green guy tells you what to do so you ingore him and go off in the middle of the woods and party with some teddy bears!!!
-I did not base my entire existance off of my heros, Jon Stewart and Homer Simpson
-I did not just lie ^

Last words of brave idiots:
-It’s only fire
-Sure it can hold both of us
-It doesn’t look alive to me, lets poke it!
-Bet you a dollar it won’t explode!
-That’s just a superstition, tigers can’t climb trees!
-Boy were you wrong... Poison Control Center my eye!
-The powers off... trust me
-Yes I put the brakes on
-Safety Harness? What safety harness?
-What does “No opere la maquinaria pesada bajo la influencia de alcohol” mean??? Oh well... I don’t speak spanish. (NOTE: I seriously want to know how many people have to go to to figure that one out).

What if:
Nursery Rhymes and Steven King books were all lumped together??
(As told by The Randomness Monkies)

- Jack and Jill, went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill fell down and broke her crown,
And Jack (nicholson from the shining) came tumbling after her (HERE’S JONHNY!!!)

-Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men,
Could not keep the gates of hell from opening again

-Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and way, when a long came a spider which laid eggs insider her and ate Miss Muffet all day.

-Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece as red as sin,
And everywhere that Mary went
That lamb would bring his kin.
They followed her to school one day,
An army of a thousand sheep,
They killed the children and stole their souls,
And all Marry could do was weep.

-Peter Piper picked a peck of poisoned pickled peppers,
If Peter Piper picked a peck of poisoned pickled peppers
How many other people did peter pipers poisoned pickeled peppers make sick?

Well that’s just about it.... All the randomness I think I had is laying in a puddle on the floor. I think I should go to the doctor for that....

Sunday, June 15, 2003

STIMPMITS hates his brother. Well actually not his brother, but the fact that his brother got well over 1000 dollars at his graduation party (and thats not including the PDA and the laptop/labtop). STIMPMITS also doesnt like graduation parties. They always involve relatives that you never knew existed pretending that they've known you forever. For example.... He had never known of his relatives in Pittsburg... until Aunt Fraka called. "Who is Aunt Fraka???", he asked. He sure doesn't know but shes sleeping in his room right now. STIMPMITS wanted to hang out with his girlfriend today, but that never happened. Now hes bored and looking for something to do. And now he will go sleep and drown his sorrows in chocolate milk. WHOO HOO (i got a wintergreen).

Hello, and welcome to The Randomness where Corporate Scandals Week has been postponed to NEVER because of lack of interest in the people I was going to interview. But even after all of this The Randomness is finally getting a co-writer! Tafony, aKa STIMPMITS has agreed to join on The Randomness and will be posting sometime. So until then, lets all sit down and enjoy some good old fashioned home cooked Randomness. Today I was having breakfast when God appeared to me in my cereal bowl. Not one to over react I asked him why he chose to appear to me in a bowl of Lucky Charms and not in a burning bush or as a cloud. His response was, "Chill out dude, I like that funny Leprechaun." So God is skater punk? Deep down I kind of always thought he would be. I continued my conversation which gradually turned towards toasters. "So you put the pop-tart in... push down on the little thing at the end and then in a few minutes it comes out warm??? That is so cool!" I never really knew that even after creating everything he still had never had a pop-tart or seen "The Matrix". The whole day was full of fun and strange looks, mainly because most people don't go bowling with their breakfast cereal. At the end of the day I asked God, who asked me to call him Big G, "There's a question on everyone's mind. Everyone wants to know the answer, I was wondering if you could tell me." Before I could ask him he said, "Let me guess... what is the meaning of life right? All you humans care about is why you're here. I mean, you have pop-tarts and slinkys, but all you care about is the meaning of life? Well I have to go appear in a new Snoop Dogg music video, so you're on your own man." I stood there bewildered as the almighty left, and all that remained in my bowl were heats, stars, and horse shoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold, and rainbows, and me red balloons.... thinking about my real question. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Like Mr. Owl said... the world may never know.


STIMPMITS reached down to grap a mint... his brothers graduation party now behind him he had plenty of small table mints... in anticipation he ripped open the wrapper and threw the candy into his mouth waiting gleefully for that nice, minty taste. Dammit another peppermint (you know your bored when you are eating mints just to see what flavor they are).

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Hello and welcome to Part 4 of Corporate Scandals Week (month)! What stands out more than a corporate Icon??? A flaming corporate icon! But in order to do that we need a corporate icon to begin with... so we’re half way there! Unlike the “Yo quiero Taco Bell” dog, our Icon will have lasting apeal and not fall victim to becoming Grade F meat products. So who is he??? COPORATE SCANDALS MAN! So to celebrate the end of corporate scandals week... why not have the the episode that explains the origins of CORPORATE SCANDALS MAN??

CORPORATE SCANDALS MAN EPISODE# 102: THE BEGINNING! (yes, I realizse that the episode that explains his origins is number 102... but hey! The monkeys were hungover when they made the other 101 episodes) CORPORATE SCANDALS MAN was just a 20 year old geek who had no friends... and a very odd name. But something would happen that would change his life and make people think he was cool, then he would become popular, and the head of an evil corporation will hire freaks with super powers to hunt him down to keep him from keeping the powerful head of an evil corporation from getting caught while doing evil things that the head of an evil corporation often does! CORPORATE SCANDALS MAN happened to be walking between Martha Stuart and a huge boiling vat of GAMMA RADIATION when all of a sudden they both exploded and a mutated spider came up and bit him, while a guy who would soon become his arch-nemesis killed his family, and a secret organization called the Y-MEN tried to get him to join. (original... arent we?) A few days later, while he was recovering, CORPORATE SCANDALS MAN (who was a mild mannered reporter from a small time village working in a large city metropolinotasupermanripoffolis who secretly was from a planet that exploded after his father sent him to earth) learned that he had super-powers! He could shred documents faster than a DELL! He could sell fraudulent stocks higher than the highest building (stupid monekys!)! He could even spend time when he should be working playing SOLITAIRE! Deciding to use his powers for good, not evil, he quickly changed his mind and went to work for ENRON! While there, he shreded thousands of documents, sold over 16 millions dollars of useless stock, and stole a sandwhich from the staff refrigerator, before he quit 2 hours later. Now he’s Martha Stuarts agent (a fitting match) and is fradulating (this should so be a word Websters!) for the queen of fradulation (this too). And now for an opening for the sequel his father is Captain Political Scam Man who has come over for a weekend stay to investigate a possible scandle, but he offers CORPORATE SCANDALS MAN a deal. What will the hero do? Fight his dad... or pay him $500,000 to accidentally over-look the scandle? Tune in next time for CORPORATE SCANDALS MAN EPISODE #103: MORE STUFF HAPPENS!

Hello, and welcome back to The Randomness, where as promised we have the continuation of corporate Scandals Week! All day today I will be posting 5 new blogs. Don't expect them all at the same time though, I do have a life (I know... it's hard to believe). Now on to the randomness. Martha Stuart is the epitome of selling cheap junk. She has a show where all she does is talk about stuff that her stage-hands make for her. Does she have any TRUE talent when it comes to cooking, painting, house-making, and all the other garbage she sells? NO. But she could (from Tommy Boy) sell a tomato flavored popcicle to a woman in white gloves. She is the master of making us think her garbage is high quality so we will all sit down and watch COOKING WITH MARTHA of MARTHA STUART LIVING. But now that she could go to prison is she losing some of the respect that morons gave her? Yes and No. Yes considering she did a bunch of fraud and stuff. No considering she's Martha Stuart (and that means what to me?). Will she go to jail? One can only hope. So stay tuned to HGTV for MARTHA STUART LIVING: 6-10 YEARS where she discusses how to get the puke stains out of your orange jump suit.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Hello, and welcome back to The Randomness, the only web site that believes in putting a canine in the Presidential office by 2156! Todays Randomness is brought to you buy the Letter Q. Ok, Q isn't really a great letter. In fact it's like the lousiest letter on the planet... but it happens to be the only one that Seasame Street does not own the rights to, and that we could afford. And now onto the Randomness. When you think of evil... what comes to mind? Hitler, Stalin, Martha Stuart, Hamsters, Ohio... but when I think of evil, do you want to know what comes to mind? (chances are you don't, but considering it is MY website...) Bozo the Clown. Why? He looks like the epitome of evil to me... big red hair, red squeaky nose, big floppy shoes. THE DEVIL IN A CLOWN SUIT!!!!!!!!!

A WiseGuy once said:
-beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but ugliness is in the eye of everyone who has to look at you.
-Ignorance is not bliss, especially considering most ignorant people don't know what bliss is.
-What would happen if an octopus and a giraffe had a baby??
-Inteligence is not what separates us from animals. The fact that we don't [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] in the lawn does.
-Eskimos are not party gifts.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Welcome back to The Randomness where being stupid is like riding a bike or setting stuff on fire... it just comes natural. And now we come to a new section: THE LONGEST WORD NOBODY CAN SAY OR HAS EVER HEARD OF! Todays is the longest recorded word in the english language. It is a chemical name (stupid scientists... making life so hard) and is very long. Here you go (have fun saying it, it me like 5 minutes. It's 1202 letters long):


Now lets give that to those stupid smart spelling bee kids on ESPN and see if they can say it. Want a definition? YOU SUCK!!!! Ok, maybe im just bitter because I mispelled the word "Fundamental" in a fifth grade spelling bee (Yes, that was years ago... but Hey! Im a sore loser (and speeler))! But do you blame me? How many kids can spell "Antidisestablishmentarianism"????? I bet my english teacher cant even spell it. Jerks!

A WiseGuy once said:
Love does not make the world go 'round. I believe thats gravity!
-The easter bunny is not my personal assistant, nor will he ever be.
-I did not pay the pauper.
-There is no such thing as "Looking at me funny" tax.
-"Screw Flanders" is not a filler to be used in term papers.

That's it, get off my lawn you stupid kids!

Monday, June 09, 2003

Hello, and welcome to The Randomness. Just anothe reminder to come back on SATURDAY JUNE 14 for more of Corporate Scandals Week (month). Now onto the Randomness. Today we talk about a very important subject close to our hearts: creating an army of Llamas. For those of you who are scracthing your heads and wondering what the heck I'm talking about (that's all of you), I have a thing about Llamas. Llamas are sooo cool. Just look at them. They are about the coolest animal. Yet they can't get any respect with all of the sheep, goats and cammels running a muck. So be patriotic and kill a wanna be llama impersonator.

A wiseguy once said:
-why be safe when it's so much more fun to jump off stuff?
-don't disrespect people with big afros, they have ways... scary ways
-an X box is not a secret weapon used by the government... just Bill Gates
-cheating is only bad if you get caught
-mistakes are why pencils have erasers; so stupid people are why everyone else has a gun
-There are no stupid questions because that means there have to be smart ones
-"Denial is just a river in Europe" - Homer Simpson
-I don't hate you, I strongly dislike you with a fiery passion
-the french government did not buy my toast or my fries
-I did not kill one of the Telletubbies
-I am not Rin-Tin-Tin's ghost (you gotta love the K-9 cop)
-I don't have mutated genes... they may have some hole in the knees though
-I am not supposed to be doing my homework right now.

Well that's it. Pretend you have places to go and people to see and leave.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

Welcome back to The Randomness, the only web site that is currently not talking about Sammy Sosa (we pride ourselves in this... we really do). Instead, our attention is focussed on few things:
- Summer (obviously... it's so close I can smell it... it smells like bleach)
- Sammy Sos--- I mean Global Warming
- The 50 state capitols... they don't make sense
- The word Colonel.... so you're to good to be called a Kernel?????
- Hockey (it always is... always!)

Now you know what's on our minds, so when we randomly shout things out (Buy Orangeclean!) you might know what we mean. Now on to the randomness (you mean we aren't already?? Stupid monkies!)! The media is like a five year old at christmas:
BEFORE CHRISTMAS: "Mommy! I want that toy! NOW!"
DURING CHRISTMAS: "Wow! This is such a cool toy! Where are the other presents?"
AFTER CHRISTMAS: "It broke! I want something else! NOW!"

BEFORE THE WAR: "Lets talk about this war... we all know it's coming."
DURING THE WAR: "So when will this war be over?"
AFTER THE WAR: "So Sammy Sosa denies claims that he purposley put a cork in his bat..."

Am I crazy (yes), or do they really really have problems? Before it happens all they talk about is how it should be happening. While it's happening all they talk about is how horrible it is. And after it's happened they are already talking about Martha Stuart and Sammy Sosa. Why????????????????????????????????????

Dictators, tyrants, communists, monarchs, fascists, satanists, terrorists, corporate CEO's, dentists, lawyers, 12 year olds, teachers, Al Gore, the cast of friends, Ron Howard, soccer moms... and now the media. My list of annoying things grows ever larger.

A wiseguy once said...
- "Leave me alone... I'm eating a sandwhich!"

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Hello to everyone and welcome back to the Randomness. Like I said, I had to stop Corporate Scandals week because I didn't have time.... well, now I do. I'm sitting here looking at my calendar and it's pretty full (Ok, I don't have a calendar. I have a napkin with the words "This is your calendar" written on the side and a picture of me flying a kite at the bottom), but I have cleared SATURDAY, JUNE 14 as the day for me to make up Corporate Scandals week. In addition to the five remaining Corporate Scandals blogs, the marathon will also include The Best holiday on December 25 (rocking chair day!) and the Best Holiday on July 4 (Kilt day!). Ok, those arent holidays, but by golly (by golly? What am I thinking?? Oh well, the back space button is too far away) we're going to do it anyways.

So grab a partner, feed the dog, shoot the cat (no one likes cats), burn your house down (but not your computer) and come on down to The Randomness for some good ol' fashion fun served with a big portion of red neck talk (Yee-Haw!)! Also, I hope to have a lot (ok, not a lot. Maybe 3-4) guest speakers. So if you're interested go chuck some road kill at my window until I agree to let you on (you pesky kids, wait till I get annoyed and start screaming things from the window!)!