The Randomness Continues

Friday, May 30, 2003

Todays Blog has no Randomness. Instead, I leave you with some quotes from The Matrix:

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.

Agent Smith: I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure.

Neo: I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules or controls, borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

Agent Smith: Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization.

Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Hello and welcome to Day 2 of corporate scandals week here on The Randomness. What can you expect from the rest of this week? Somethings we've never done before, including guest speakers discussing such topics as:
-Who is the shadowy figure
-What the state of Rhode Island has against me
-Why the Cult still won't let me join
-What ever happened to the "Yo quiero Taco Bell" chihuaha?
-How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie rool center of a tootsie pop
-What steps must you take to be better than Enron?

Today we will be starting a step by step program on how to commit a corporate scandal. We'll start with Step one (a good place to start if you ask me): Covering up
A member of your company creates incriminating evidence against the company? Cover it up! We'll start by answering one of the questions above. Whatever did happend to the "Yo quiero Taco bell" dog? Upon further investigation it turned out the dog was a benge drinker who often stole erasers from the company. To cover up the debt, which came to a total of $7.97, the company had him killed and covered it up. How did they do this? They pushed him into the meat grinder and made "El perro grande" (The big dog)! Gruesome? Yes, but then again so is the X Box (I feel my incoming collision with Macrohard (excuse me Microsoft) to be a big one) but no one complains (I do!). So cover it up, delete files, shred documents, kill employees; any way to skip the blame for a couple of hours.

Hooray! My first guest speaker (if he chooses to) might be on this week. Stay Tuned!

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Hello and welcome to The Randomness where we are going to do something new. Corporate Scandals week! To kick it off, I am being sued by The Disney Corporation, Martha Stuart, Jon Stewart, Al Gore, Al Roker, The Cult, The Weather Channel, and the state of Rhode Island. I'm spending more time in court than Robert Downey Jr. (theres another lawsuit), Martha Stuart (theres two for Martha), Enron (I have more money than they do, thats two lawsuits), and the Microsoft Corporation (Bill Gates could buy and sell me, but all the same, theres another lawsuit). While I am getting out the check book you can enjoy the week!

And now some great news! The Randomness ® is proud to annouce we are merging with Sponsor of Local Unknown Grocery Stores (SLUGS) and a kid down the street who said he found $2.57 in the park to form "Random SLUGS with $2.57!" Your right, that sounds bad, so we decided to call our selves AOL TIME WARNER 2 (theres another lawsuit), it just sounds better. Sure, neither of those three companies will even talk to us, yet we think they'll accept our offer of buying the name. I took time to buy the envelope, put the Post-It note with "Give it to us for free" on it inside, and send it to the wrong address 7 times before it got to them and they wripped it up and sent us a counter offer. "Go suck a Lemon". Pleasant people aren't they?

To go along with our theme for this week, we've created a new charity organization called "Adopt a former Enron executive (theres another lawsuit for Enron)". For one whole year you send 15$ a month to help an Enron executive buy essentials like paper shreaders and some booze. Send all donations to: 555 Fake Street. Joe, Montana 00001. Or call 968-7825 (for all of you who have phones, according to those letters that is YOU SUCK!)

So get out there and shred important documents, tamper with evidence, and be sure to come back tomorrow for more on Corporate Scandals Week!

Copyright ® Random SLUGS with $2.57 aka AOL TIME WARNER 2. (2003).

Monday, May 26, 2003

Well, I was cleaning out my closet when I found Al Roker playing with a broken Yo-Yo. When I asked him what he was doing he sobbed and told me that the bathroom ninjas in my shower kicked him out for stealing erasers. I told him I understood, the cult kicked me out for stealing erasers too. When I thought I had made a friend the little [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] swore at me. I can't believe he said GO TO I swear there were no subliminAL MessaGOREs in that.

Hello and welcome back to The Randomness Continues; the number one site on the internet that no one will ever see. Since today is a national holiday, don't expect very much to happen here. I let the monkies that I keep chained in my basement that normally write for me out today, so while they're out stealing cop cars and harassing gas station managers I thought I might try to actually write by myself... I know, it's scary.

One of my favorite people on TV that I don't want to [CENSORED BY AUSTRALIA] is Jon Stewart from Comedy Central. I just saw a commercial for his show (The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart) where he went on to talk about the war in Iraq. He said that the war started after the media prepared cheesy music and back drops. Isn't that the truth! This guy essentially sums up everything that I think... watch him. He's hilarious.

In other news, did you hear about the sailor who was playing football on a ship out at sea when he fell off? Yeah, neither did I. But apparently his mom is suing because it was "too dangerous for her baby". Ok....? What have I been saying? If he had been playing hockey he wouldn't have died.

Have you ever actually sat down and watched TV with a stop watch going? There are usually more than 10 minutes of commercials per show. Thats mind numbingly bad. Thats to the point where a third of a normal program is commercials.

Well that's it... adios.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Life is short, no matter what we do. So I've decided to create a to do before I die list:
-Touch every telephone pole in Rhode Island
-Create a life size statue of Big Bird using mashed Potatoes
-Jump out of an air plane while riding a tricycle
-Dye myself red and drive down the high way on a moped yelling "I'm on fire!"
-Cross a black cats path
-Solve world hunger with Jell-o
-Cross a hamster with Flubber and see if it bounces

And now on to the randomness. There are a lot of inventions in the world; refrigerators, sliced bread, tin cans, those things that pull staples out, etc. But whoever mixed the world of sports with the radio should be given a slap on the wrist. Today I was in the car listening to the Indianapolis 500 on the radio. What is the point? I mean even watching car racing on TV is stupid. "They go around the track. Yep, still going around the track. One car passed the other. Their still going around the track." It's like the most boring thing in the world. But then, once in a while a brave soul crashes and the mind numbing hours of pure idiocy pay off. You call me blood thirsty? I say thank you.

A WiseGuy once said (actual quotes this time, not just me being dum):

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Well that's it, now get out before I realize this is a website.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Who out there is afraid of getting lost on a desert island? Even though I may be miles from the nearest ocean, it is still a fear of mine. So I've compiled a list of things that everyone needs to have in case they get stranded in the middle of the ocean (or the swimming pool).

1. First of all, Duct Tape. What can you do with it? You can tape stuff together, make wallets, shave your legs, and many other countless possibilties.
2. A bag of pixie stix and several 2 liters of Mt. Dew. Why? Because I said so.. ya jerk!
3. A zippo. FIRE!
4. One of those cool color screen cell phone thingys. Why? Duh! So I can check the score of all the hockey games going on!

Now you're set! If you get trapped on an island you can survive for a few hours!

A WiseGuy once said:
-Never leave your house with out kissing the TV goodbye, it gets lonely
-Dogs are mans best friend right? Well that could change. Im trying to teach my Guinea Pig how to play PS2.
-N.eve,r in?sert r!ando;m pun:ctu"atio[n i(n yo-ur sen)te}nces@#$%^&*
-The voices said it was OK is not an excuse to give to a cop when pulled over for speeding
-It is not the King of Englands fault
-No matter how loud you scream at the teenagers in The Blair Witch Project, they always go in the woods.
-Home Alone should not be your inspiration for installing a new home security system
-The song "Who let the dogs out?" is not a hymn
-My cat is not the reincarnation of Napolean
-Barry Melrose is not stealing my Sports Illustrated
-Uncle Sam does not want me to go back to bed
-The dog with the Shifty eyes did not eat my homework then beat me up and take my lunch money
-Martha Stuart is not the devil
-I will stop stealing tobasco sauce from one restaurant and leaving it at another

Well thats your daily dose of vitamin randomness, now go cry in a dark corner as what I said sinks in and you realize that you to are lost in the middle of you swimming pool, your duct tape on the other side...

There is something the world needs to know about. Something big... three words; The Bathroom Ninjas. They're the ones to watch out for. The name is fairly self explanatory. They're ninjas that hide in bathrooms and prey on defenseless victims. Want to protect yourself and your family? Here are some tips on how to spot a bathroom ninja, and protect your family from him.

Ways to spot a bathroom Ninja:
-Their hands seem unusually clean for someone who wears all black
-They use the bathroom often, and sometimes don't come back for hours
-They smell like Lysol
-You here various Kung Fu style yells coming from the bathroom (Wyaaa)!

Ways to protect your family from the bathroom ninja threat:
-Have your house sprayed three times a year
-Throw away all Bruce Lee, Three Ninja, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Jet Li, or Jackie Chan movies.
-De-numb chuck your front door

Beware of the bathroom Ninjas, for they could be in yours! (I check every day)

Friday, May 23, 2003

Friday... the greatest day ever. To celebrate this day we have more randomness. In the past few days it has come to my attention that school sucks.

Official Countdown: 11 full days and 2 half days

Now we need to talk about two animals. The Penguin and the Llama. I believe that the donkey and the elephant misrepresent the democratic and republican parties. Mainly because donkey translates to [Censored by Australia] and elephant means fat. So why not the penguin (the epitome of evil... I mean why have wings if you can't fly?) and the Llama (the greatest animal... in the future the llama will replace cars)? They're perfect!

Sorry if that involved too much politics (Poly meaning many... tics meaning blood sucking creatures) for all of you... I promise it will never happen again.

A WiseGuy once said:
-Stupidity is genetic, in 20 years we will all be watching American Idol (American Idle)
-Never slap a southern man who resembles Yosemite Sam
-Always eat your fruits.... everyone likes Runts!
-Remember: never stare at a rubix cube for too long... it will cause you to pick it up and fail miserably
-Never look at a rabbit cross eyed, they take it personally and will steal your mail.
-Always check your closet for vampires, monsters, lawyers, telemarketers, and Al Gore before going to bed.
-The world is not coming to an end, so give me back my sandals
-Pizza is all 7 food groups glued together

Thursday, May 22, 2003

A famous man once said "I have to pee"

Exactly how can it get much better than Forest Gump? I know what your all saying. Pack up your bags, shut down your computer, and go join a cult because it cant get better than that, right? Well, considering my bags are boxes, my computer won't listen to me, and the cult kicked me out for stealing erasers (I swear, i dont know how they got in my pockets!) I think I am going to stay here and reminisce of all the fun times I've had writing funny things that my computer deleted out of it's own will. Excuse me, I will be out in the back yard with a 9 iron and my modem (office space... gotta love it).

A WiseGuy once said:
-Never spit at a Llama because it would be rude, and any self respecting Llama would so take you off his buddy list.
-Never fight a short chinese man... if movies have taught me anything it's that short chinese guys know Kung Fu... lots of Kung fu.
-Never talk to people you know, stick with strangers.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Today was a day for much celebration. First of all.... NO MORE WEIGHLIFTING IN MY GYM CLASS! Yes, I do realize it's important to become strong and be better in the sports we all love to play... yet 35 people crammed into a small junky broken down weight room that smells really bad for 45 minutes a day isn't my idea of fun. Now slamming people into a wall and shooting a small lump of leather (or whatever you play with) at high speeds between someones legs into a net... thats fun! Now, the celebration continued. I no longer have (her name will be changed to protect her... yet we wonder why?) Mrs. Anonymous. Mrs. Anonymous is one of the worlds most annoying teachers. To start with, her class (the name will be changed to protect the not so innocent) Class anonymous, is horrible. It's useless, boring, mind numbingly stupid, and useless. But she is worse. Nothing pleases her, her voice is so high (unbareable), she smells, and shes very very very redundant. It's a nightmare... yet Im done!!!!!!!! ALELUJIAH!!!!!!

Support your local punk rock band!!!!!!

Monday, May 19, 2003

So today was the first Senior Prank (unfortunatley not me... not yet). These geniuses did their prank the last Monday before they get out of school. DUMB!!! But their prank wasn't that bad. They took dead racoons, squirrels and fish (assorted roadkill) and placed it above the ceiling tiles in the school over the weeked, giving it plenty of time to 'freshen up'. Yes, it stunk like monday morning pop quiz.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Well, I'm supposed to be doing homework now. But I find homework a complete waste of time. Sure it prepares you for tests and quizzes, but how can something useful suck so badly??? ("English, I dont need English! I'm never going to England!" -Homer Simpson). So my teacher tells me that maybe I need some work on punctuation. I dont need work on punctuation I use punctuation all the time on my web site papers and stories because punctuation is the only way to have a sentence that flows well and does not make you sound like you're an idiot Sometimes sentences without punctuation may never stop other times they may actually have a true ending but the writer is a complete idiot and the reader doesn't know any better But truley expert writers such as my self would know that only truley fucking stupid people can't use punctuation. The Truth is, any mentally sane person out there who can use their hands to press a pencil against a writeable surface, knows how to use punctuation. Monkeys can write! Are you dumber than a monkey?

Ah, the second post! It smells like freshness. Now on to the randomness:

I just saw the Matrix Reloaded last night (very very good movie) but have not been able to concentrate on a single thing since then. All I can think of is what the third movie will be about. And now i've come to realize I hate (and love) the Wachowski brothers for making this cliff hanger (only 6 months long). I don't think any sane movie director has ever made such a good cliffhanger like the Wachowskis. No only will they create a cult classic (again) but they will no doubt use it to their advantage (Enter the Matrix- the video game, and The Animatrix- the animated shorts) to make a pretty penny more than that they will make off of Reloaded, and no doubt off of Revolutions.

TV has latley driven me to the brink of insanity. I have probably over 100 channels, yet 75% of the time all we have are informercials, martha Stuart (The goddess of selling cheap garbage), and cheasy Disney channel crud (Mickey Mouse, the god of selling cheap garbage). If there are so many channels then why am I channel surfing 1/2 of the time????

Hello to all of you who live and dwell in the furthest reaches of cyber space. Ok, that sounded a little too matrix, star trek, hey look at me im hopped up on speed. Lets start that again. Hey, whats up? Im The WiseGuy. I started this blog when a friend of mine sent me his friends blog. I read it and thought it was extremley funny. Not to have my web site outdone by anybody I decided to make on of my own. My web site (Yes, I do realize it's aol hometown) is very very funny (or so they tell me). It's called the randomness, a collection of opinionated dribble and nonsense. And this is the randomness continues (Continued if your someone who prides them selves in having a firm grasp of the english language just so you can tell your self that your litterate (you can always just write it on a piece of paper 'Lideorate') but you'd just have to read it and prove us right) a continuation of the insane ramblings of me, the self proclaimed master of everything bad for you (IE; video games). Enjoy.