The Randomness Continues

Friday, December 05, 2003

The WiseGuy threw open the shelves. Nothing. He looked under the sofa cushions. Nothing. He looked in the gutters. Nothing. He looked on the roof. Nothing. He looked in the deepest pits of hell (his closet). Nothing! There wasn't any food anywhere... well anywhere that wasn't in the refrigerator. You might be wondering why he didn't go into the fridge... well that question can be easily answered wth a statistic: 89% What does it mean? 89% of all aromas inside The WiseGuy's fridge weren't of this planet... originally atleast. That being said, he was afraid of it. But he was so hungry he started eating pages from Tom Brokaws THE GREATEST GENERATION (which tasted a lot like creamed spinach that was so heavilly charred that it was a new shade of black, so black that light cannot escape it (kind of like that innocent-charm crap boy bands use... but not stupid)) which was the only book that someone else hadn't claimed (Harry Potter tastes like dish soap). So The WiseGuy, halucinating from the Tom Brokawge (new word) accidentally opened the fridge. As he rooted around in the vile purple fog he felt something in the back. He was pulling so hard that he didn't realize something was pulling back. He flew into the fridge, over half a can of syrup-saturated orange slugs (or canned peaches as some call them), through a pile of bubbling cottage cheese, around the body of a 13th century English Prince, and finally came to rest by an old Turkey.

"Ahh, so that's where the turkey went!"
"No WiseGuy, that Turkey is from 7 years ago. You didn't have Turkey for Thanksgiving, you had ketchup on bananas."
"Oh yeah... wait, who and where are you?"
"Oh, where are my manners. My name is Bubba."

A tiny little man, less than a foot high, who resembled Little Richard, climbed out of an old orange juice bottle.

"... What are you?"
"I'm what happens when you leave potatoe salad in the refrigerator for 11 years."
"But you can talk!"
"Of course I can talk... If you lived here you'd become an intelectual sin-against-nature too!"
"Why'd you bring me here? Is it becase I drank out of the milk carton, then dropped my chemistry project in it, then mixed it up and put it back in the fridge?"
"THAT WAS YOU!?!?"
"Uhh, no... that was Dick Cheney. Go kill Cheney!"
"That's not why I brought you here though... I brought you here because the world must know the secret of existance!"
"The meaning of life?"
"Yes, but secret of existance sounds so much cooler."
"Right... but what is this secret? And why do you know it?"
"I know it because it seems logical that a 7 inch man born from potatoe salad that looks a lot like Little Richard should know the secrets of existance!"
"Uhh, I guess it does... in a stupid kinda way. But that doesn't matter... what is the secret of existance?"
"Ramen Noodle Soup."
"Whaaaaaat?"
"Ramen Noodle Soup! It's the meaning of life. To buy and consume Ramen Noodle Soup! Why do you think there is death?? Because not enough people eat Ramen Noodle soup! It makes sense!"
"But why would death care if we eat Ramen Noodle Soup?"
"He likes it!"
"So there is death because an invisible force known as 'death' likes to eat Ramen Noodle Soup... but the rest of the world doesn't?"
"Exactly."
"Hmmmm, makes sense! I thought the meaning of life was to do good in this world to improve the lives of generations of future human beings! Man was I wrong!"


So now that The WiseGuy had been given the meaning of existance (and the GI Joe he threw in the back of the vegetable crisper when he was 5) he decided to clean the refrigerator. After making a deal with The Refrigerator Ninjas to give them a piece of string with a plastic dog on the end, he cleaned out the fridge and began eating Ramen Noodle Soup to fulfill his destiny!

(NOTE: NO FOOD WAS HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST... ONLY MUTATED, DISFIGURED, AND RUSHED THROUGH THE STAGES OF EVOLUTION TO CREATE AN ABOMINATION AND A SIN AGAINST NATURE)

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