The Randomness Continues

Thursday, July 10, 2003

WISEGUYISM #55: CHAMPAGNE AND OREOS

Have you noticed how champagne is only drunk on special occasions? You never see a bum on the street nursing a bottle of champagne, it just doesn't happen. Sure, it may be a little bit more expensive, but money's just colored paper. I am going to be the first person to have a bottle of champagne and a pack of oreos... in 10 years everybody will be doing it.

WISEGUYISM #13: CROSSING A BLACK CATS PATH

Personally, I think the black cat would have more to fear if he crossed my path, especially if I have my drivers license. If Grand Theft Auto has taught me anything, it's that if you drive on the sidewalk, you get there MUCH faster.

WISEGUYISM #101: FEAR OF FLYING?

I've never been on an airplane (I may have been on one before I remember, like when I was 1-4 years old) and when I tell people that they ask if I'm afraid of flying. Uh... no, I've just never needed to get on an airplane. I've never been to Europe either, am I afraid of Europe? Well... France is pretty scary.

WISEGUYISM #78: CHRISTMAS IN JULY

How did this get started? Did some little kid tell his drunk mom it was christmas or something, and then all of the neighbors kids said, "If Tommy gets Christmas in July, I want Christmas in July!"? Or is it just another one of those conspiracies so car dealerships can sell us stuff marked down (or so they say it's marked down, in fact they meant on giving it to you for that price, they just jacked up the price so they could give you a 'sale')?

WISEGUYISM #119: RABBITS AND JESUS

This one thing I never understood about the comercilization of Easter. What does a huge rabbit hiding colored eggs have to do with the ressurection of a messiah? Call me crazy but I think there was a point to this holiday other than selling large chocolate rabbits and cadbury cream eggs.

WISEGUYISM #45: THE TIN MAN

I think he'd be a little rustier if he sat outside for years and years. Rain, snow, ice... you'd think even after just a few squirts of oil here and there he still wouldn't be able to move. Yet, dorothy gives him a couple squirts of oil and he can dance...

WISEGUYISM # 199: PICKLED PICKLES

Is it possible to pickle a pickle? Would it be a super pickle?

WISEGUYISM # 208: ORANGES

Was the orange called an orange after the color orange, or was the color orange called orange after the fruit the orange?

WISEGUYISM # 72: GYM AND MATH

Gym in school shouldn't be given to people who don't want it (aKa kids who are overweight or don't respect athletics), and math in school shouldn't be given to people who don't want it (aKa people who think magic cards are something magicians use (like me, I just don't get magic cards) or don't know what kind of processor giggo-whatchamacallit is inside their computer. If you stay out of gym I'll stay out of math. (That's a promise)

WISEGUYISM # 1: THE INTERNET

The internet was invented by someone like me, who figured out he could spread his message of insanity to all people buy putting it in an easily accesible place. Like a computer screen. So now I, despite knowing jack one about computers, can still run like 4 websites. Hmmmm.



WISEGUYISM # 111: DARWIN BLESS YOU

Do atheists say 'Darwin bless you' when people sneeze?

WISEGUYISM # 255: GENOCIDAL ORKIN MAN?

Genocide. The deliberate and systematic destruction of a racial, political, or cultural group. Systematic? Does that mean planning it out? Political? Does that count as a 'colony' of ants who have a 'queen'? If so, the friggin Orkin man is a genocidal maniac.

WISEGUYISM # 302: CHLORINE GAS SCENTED CANDLES

There's someone you want to kill. You give them a scented candle that smells like poison. They sniff it, WHAM, they're dead. Just that easy. Don't expect to find these at Hallmarks.

WISEGUYISM # 1001: TWO WRONGS MAKE A LEFT?

We've all heard 'two wrongs don't make a right' when somebody does something to us, and we get revenge. If two wrongs don't make a right, do they make a left? So if you're driving down the road and you take two wrong turns, you should never turn right? Maybe I'm confused.

WISEGUYISM # 665: DID MARY EVENTUALLY HAVE A BIG LAMB?

Mary had a little lamb,
it grew and grew and grew,
every where that Mary went,
the lamb was friggin huge.

She fed it all to often,
the lamb had a friggin gut,
and we wont even mention,
the size of this things...

but Mary loved the lamb,
no matter how obese,
the only thing she didn't like,
is finding food hidden in the fleece.

So Mary made the lamb,
go on a friggin diet,
the lamb said Mary to was fat,
and so Mary also tried it.

They had slimfast by the boatful,
and mountains of stacker 2,
they drank diet soda,
but nothing they tried would do.

Then one day mary found a book,
of a special diet,
it consisted mainly of lamb meat,
so she thought shed try it.

Mary had a little lamb,
the butcher killed it dead,
so everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb followed between two pieces of bread.


Thank you, thank you. That is a sample of what you'll find in my eventual book: 1001 RANDOM WISEGUYISMS FOR YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE (for the soul).

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home