The Randomness Continues

Sunday, July 27, 2003

(WARNING: IF YOU FIND OPEN DISCUSSION OF FOOT STINK OR RANDOM SALES PITCHES FOR CRAPPY ACTION FIGURES OFFENSIVE THEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T READ THIS)

You can tell your feet stink when your sitting at the computer and suddenly you black out because you smell road kill coming in from an open window. Then you realize that you live in Venic (hence there are no roads... no road kill), you have no nose, and you live in a house with no walls or roof (therefore you are sitting on a sleeping bag in the middle of the woods) so there's no way you could have possibly smelt (funny word... if it's a real word) roadkill... so the only other possibility is.....

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Are you tired of GI Joe and Barbie Dolls? If so, you're either a 12 year old boy who likes putting barbie clothes on his GI Joes... or a 38 year old bald man who lives in his sisters basement. If you are either of these rediculously incorrect stereotypes... then you'll love these two new action figures: SUPER JESUS WITH PROJECTILE MISSILE FISTS and MEGA MOSES WITH SUPER "FREE THE ISREALITES" POWER! They're Bashpetastic!!!!
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... that your feet really stink. Mine do. They smell kinda like if you mixed the scent of death with vinegar and pine car freshener (you can really smell that fresh outdoors while your sitting in your basement, with no social life or facial hair, playing video games while eating hot-pockets)... what a combination!!!!! So how do you get rid of the...
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Has your tickle-me-elmo ran out of the energy needed to tickle you just right? Has your Furby stopped being huggable and loveable and turned into a full blown communist? Has your (INSERT OTHER POPULAR CHILDRENS TOY THAT I CAN MAKE FUN OF IN A WITTY AND HUMOROUS WAY) ran out of (INSERT WITTY AND HUMOROUS WAY TO MAKE FUN OF POPULAR CHILDRENS TOY)? If you answered yes to either of those... then you need to get a mortgage and run right out to buy your spoiled brat or inner child molestor a SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY!!! The very best in making you never have to get another toy... EVER!!!

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... awful stench that often causes people to randomnly vommit violently??? Cut your feet off!! ... or you can use the more preferred way (if you don't like being called "Johnny hop-a-long", "Sir Gimp's-a-lot", or "Hey mommy look at that fat man with no feet!") and simply take a shower you stinkin moron!! That being said...

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Are you tired of products that SAY they can keep you from returning to the store to buy another TOY??? So are we... and thats why we made the NEW and IMPROVED (cheap rip-off) Alternative to THE SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY called THE SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY-DELUXE-MONSTRO-AWESOME-COOL-RIP-OFF!!!! Hooray for commercialization (Hip-Hip-HOORAY) and all it's glory!!!

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... I should stop pretending my feet don't stink and go take a shower because I smell like the apocalypse if the four horsemen were covered with moldy balo(gna or oney)!!! Man... I just dissed myself (sniff sniff).....

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[ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE "LITTLE SUSIE THIS-TOY-SUCKS-DADDY"]: Daddy!!! This toy sucks!!
[ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE "BIG Mr. "MY-DAUGHTER-WILL-GROW-UP-TO-BE-A-14-YEAR-OLD-MOTHER-OF-3"]: Now honey, I told you once before... if there was a toy better than THE SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY-DELUXE-MONSTRO-AWESOME-COOL-RIP-OFF... I would buy it for you!
[ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE "RANDOMLY-PRICED-GREEDY-SALES-MAN"]: Sir... no need to promise things that you'll never actually do for your daughter ever again. Now that there's
THE SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY-DELUXE-MONSTRO-AWESOME-COOL-RIP-OFF-SO-MUCH-BETTER-THAN-MATTEL-DISNEY-AND-HASBRO-FUN-SWEET-BARBARA-WALTERS-DOLL!!!! She interviews Michael Jackson, is very old, and interviews Michael Jackson again!!!!!
[ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE "LITTLE SUSIE THIS-TOY-SUCKS-DADDY"]: Daddy, get me that toy. NOW!!!!!
[ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE "BIG Mr. "MY-DAUGHTER-WILL-GROW-UP-TO-BE-A-14-YEAR-OLD-MOTHER-OF-3"]: Honey... that toy is way too expensive! If we buy that for you we'd have to sell another one of your brothers... oh well! Your mom is good for 8 more babies!!!!!!!

And they all lived happily ever after...



Until the sequel in which the man they ran over returns after 5 years of plotting their deaths to kill them all while they conveniently attend Jessica's Fake wedding where she marries her own brother!!!!!

Man I need a coolata... my feet still stink though....


Until the prequel where I learn that my feet don't stink but the horrible sandals I wear and the fact that I never wear socks, take showers, or eat vegetables might be the reason!

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