The Randomness Continues

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Nine out of Ten marine biologists agree on the statement, "Water is wet." The tenth scientest argued, "Water is not wet, it is the two parts hydrogen and the one part oxygen that are wet."

In other news, one out of ten marine biologist are said to be legally insane and should not have their opinions matter considering they are insane.

In other news, nine out of nine marine bioligists agree on the statement, "Water is wet."

In international news, Scientist Fernando Sanchez is suing us for using his statement out of context. Apparently he said, "Water is not wet, it is the two parts hydrogen and the one part oxygen that are wet... get it? It's a joke! Hahaha!"

In other news a dolphin named Flippy is being sued for allegedly pretending to be Flipper at a party. The Florida supreme court will decided whether or not Flipper is a nickname for Flippy this September.

In local news, nothing happened because we don't know where you're from. If you told us we probably wouldn't care.

In business, I bought a pair of sunglasses and took a penny from the "take-a-penny, leave-a-penny" jar. According to the owner of the store, "Mr. Smith actually took TWO pennies from the "take-a-penny, leave-a-penny" jar, violating a sacred law upheld by many a generation of shop keepers."

In sports, I went golfing today and hit a squirrel in the face with my 9 iron after I got mad and threw it into the woods. The squirrel is suing for a reported 1.8 million.

In entertainment I was watching the E! channel and have decided to sue them for false advertising because in their name they say "entertainment", and The Anna Nicole Smith show is not entertaining.

In technology, I tought my bird how to say "palm pilot".

And now for more on the Vietnam Conflict. In an interview with Vietnam specialist Doug Fog he said, "You guys are crazy, 'Complete Coverage' does not mean you follow the story for over 30 years. Stop calling me! I'm retired!"

And for coverage on the 2010 Vancouve winter Olympic games we go to Bill Walton who's in Vancouver. "Hello Bill? How are the games going?"
"Not so good Mary. I talked to a man on the street and he said, 'Dude, the games aren't for 7 years. Go back to bed."
"Did you kill him Bill? I mean, no one talks smack to news reporters."
"Yes, yes I did. I beat him in the face 6-7 times with a rusty shovel."
"That's good to hear Bill. And now to Cynthia Voight with todays weather.

"Thank you Mary! As you can see I hate my job, and all you lazy ***** need to do is look out the window! Go **** a tree you ****** morons!!!!! I quit, get another ****** weatherman you ******!"

"Thank you Cynthia. And now Ted has some good health tips."

"That's right Mary. Apparently smoking cigars and eating the ashes is NOT healthy. Boy am I going to die early. Oh my god, my heart!!!!! Please, someone help me! Oh god it hurts so much!"

"Thanks for the tip Ted. Alex has some great summer food tips for us."

"No I don't Mary. Not for you atleast. I sent you a christmas card for gods sake, but you don't call? You don't even say HI to me anymore! You said HI to Bill at the friggin sports desk 5 times yesterday!!!! Couldn't you have said HI to him 4 times and said HI to me once?????"

"That's amazing Alex, only 50 calories for that whole meal."
"What the heck are you talking about??? I'm sittinf here saying you and BILL are doing something during lunch breaks that does not consist of eating "lunch"."
"I will have a great day, thanks Alex."

"Well, for Channel 9 1/2 news, I'm Maryarra Gant. Good night."


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