The Randomness Continues

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Now, usually it's society that compains about me... yet today, for some variety, I'm gonna complain about it. How can it be that someone like me is given a website so easily to spread their insane opinions to the masses??? What kind of horrible catch is there that would even this out??? Hmmm... the catch?? No one reads it. Could it really be that I spend so much time writing entries and no one reads them? How long have a I been deaf to this fact? Hmmm... over a year maybe. So why do I continue??? I need it to do one of a few things for me:

1) Add much needed inflating to my Ego... no not Eggo, Ego. (mmmmm, eggos....)
2) Allow my insecurites to branch off in many new directions (they are coming for me... is that a bad thing? I could use some friends... but I dont like sharing! AHHH).
3) Start a chain-reaction of unlikely events that will crush the universe (but that's where my pet rock lives.... sigh) and all that live in it!!! MUAHAHA... cough.
4) Give me a false sense of importance so I march around like a King... hmmmm... that's a good idea... I just need a crown...
5) Make me think I have Intelimagence (If I only had a brain...).

Ah yes... you gotta love that list... false sense of importance, branching insecurities, eggos..... mmmmmm. But my complaining about society is not over yet. Why is it that Martha Stuart, The Olsen Twins, Scooby Doo, The Fox Corporation, The Cast of Friends, Mosquitoes, Canada, and this guy named Bill from Iowa (curse you Bill, CURSE YOU!!!!) can live out their lives of pure sinister Evil while Penguins, the color orange, Australia, and Pants are given such bad raps. It just doesn't make sense.... but neither does this website... so I guess they cross-cancel. WOOHOO! LIFE IS GOOD THEN!

A WiseGuy once said:
-If "If's and But's were candy and nuts... would squirells eat But's and children eat if's?
-"The President did it, why can't I?" is not a good argument.
-What is black, and white, and red all over.... wouldn't that be like a pinky-grey?
-If the cow did jump over the moon wouldn't he have a hard time re-entering our atmostphere and burn up? It makes you wonder if hamburgers really were first invented in Germany....
-If Carrot Top's routine was as funny as his hair would he still be annoying?
If Carrot Top's hair was as annoying as his routine would he still be alive?
-How is it that we can send rockets to Mars, build structures thousands of times our weight and height, develop medicines to enhance our lives... yet most guys (me being one of them) can't cook frozen peas..... it makes you wonder if our race truley is advanced...


Sunday, July 27, 2003


You can tell your feet stink when your sitting at the computer and suddenly you black out because you smell road kill coming in from an open window. Then you realize that you live in Venic (hence there are no roads... no road kill), you have no nose, and you live in a house with no walls or roof (therefore you are sitting on a sleeping bag in the middle of the woods) so there's no way you could have possibly smelt (funny word... if it's a real word) roadkill... so the only other possibility is.....

Are you tired of GI Joe and Barbie Dolls? If so, you're either a 12 year old boy who likes putting barbie clothes on his GI Joes... or a 38 year old bald man who lives in his sisters basement. If you are either of these rediculously incorrect stereotypes... then you'll love these two new action figures: SUPER JESUS WITH PROJECTILE MISSILE FISTS and MEGA MOSES WITH SUPER "FREE THE ISREALITES" POWER! They're Bashpetastic!!!!

... that your feet really stink. Mine do. They smell kinda like if you mixed the scent of death with vinegar and pine car freshener (you can really smell that fresh outdoors while your sitting in your basement, with no social life or facial hair, playing video games while eating hot-pockets)... what a combination!!!!! So how do you get rid of the...

Has your tickle-me-elmo ran out of the energy needed to tickle you just right? Has your Furby stopped being huggable and loveable and turned into a full blown communist? Has your (INSERT OTHER POPULAR CHILDRENS TOY THAT I CAN MAKE FUN OF IN A WITTY AND HUMOROUS WAY) ran out of (INSERT WITTY AND HUMOROUS WAY TO MAKE FUN OF POPULAR CHILDRENS TOY)? If you answered yes to either of those... then you need to get a mortgage and run right out to buy your spoiled brat or inner child molestor a SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY!!! The very best in making you never have to get another toy... EVER!!!


... awful stench that often causes people to randomnly vommit violently??? Cut your feet off!! ... or you can use the more preferred way (if you don't like being called "Johnny hop-a-long", "Sir Gimp's-a-lot", or "Hey mommy look at that fat man with no feet!") and simply take a shower you stinkin moron!! That being said...


Are you tired of products that SAY they can keep you from returning to the store to buy another TOY??? So are we... and thats why we made the NEW and IMPROVED (cheap rip-off) Alternative to THE SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY called THE SUPER-GENERIC-NEVER-GETS-BORING-HIGHLY-EXPENSIVE-MEGA-FUN-TOY-DELUXE-MONSTRO-AWESOME-COOL-RIP-OFF!!!! Hooray for commercialization (Hip-Hip-HOORAY) and all it's glory!!!


... I should stop pretending my feet don't stink and go take a shower because I smell like the apocalypse if the four horsemen were covered with moldy balo(gna or oney)!!! Man... I just dissed myself (sniff sniff).....


[ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE "RANDOMLY-PRICED-GREEDY-SALES-MAN"]: Sir... no need to promise things that you'll never actually do for your daughter ever again. Now that there's
[ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE "BIG Mr. "MY-DAUGHTER-WILL-GROW-UP-TO-BE-A-14-YEAR-OLD-MOTHER-OF-3"]: Honey... that toy is way too expensive! If we buy that for you we'd have to sell another one of your brothers... oh well! Your mom is good for 8 more babies!!!!!!!

And they all lived happily ever after...

Until the sequel in which the man they ran over returns after 5 years of plotting their deaths to kill them all while they conveniently attend Jessica's Fake wedding where she marries her own brother!!!!!

Man I need a coolata... my feet still stink though....

Until the prequel where I learn that my feet don't stink but the horrible sandals I wear and the fact that I never wear socks, take showers, or eat vegetables might be the reason!

Thursday, July 24, 2003


The WiseGuy had gone quite a long time with out anything wierd happening... well except for talking to the devil... but that wasn't too wierd. But just when he thought maybe they WEREN'T trying to kill him he died. Or atleast he thought he was dead. So what was death like? Kinda like life except there were way more people dressed as the Grim Reaper (then again, I've seen a whole lot of people dressed as the Grim Reaper lately...). Maybe he wasn't dead. If he was dead... was he in heaven, hell, or Kansas? Let's see... no Hitler... no Chris Farley... no Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz... he couldn't tell where he was. All he knew was there was a whole lot of peaches here. Maybe he was in Georgia? Or was it Florida that grew Peaches? No, they grow corn. So what does Iowa grow? He was so confused. For all he knew he could be in France... scary as that was. So... better make good of a bad (or was it good?) situation... so he sat down with a couple guys dressed as the grim reaper and ate some peaches (or were these Tangerines?).

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Hello and welcome to the Randomness. I know it has been a while since I've posted but I have been busy... ok I'm lying, but I just havent been able to get to the computer long enough to write something good enough to go on this website... ok, I'm lying again. Does it really matter where I was???

Now I was eating my Lucky Charms when the phone rang. It was the devil. "Hey man. What's your deal?" Now, me being used to getting calls from religous icons, I was fairly calm. "Who is this?"
"It's your fairy godmother."
"No, it's the Devil."
"The devil?"
"Did I studder?"
"Actually you did."
"Just b-b-b-because i'm a little d-d-different doesn't mean you can make fun of me."
"Ok..... so what can I do for you?"
"A couple weeks ago you talked to God. He is such a poser."
"This coming from the prince of darkness?"
"Ok, now god gave me that name. He used to bully me around and stuff."
"Why would God bully YOU around? Aren't you the big bad one?"
"See? God started that. Ok, I threw a party and a bunch of the guys chipped in to buy me a present. They were all like 'Lets get him a monster!' And Buddha was like 'Lets put 666 on his forehead, and God was like 'No, how about 115' And Buddha was all like 'That is a wussy number' and God was like 'This was so my Idea Buddha, how about you go get your own present'. And Buddha was a like 'Ok, I will'. So he went and bought the pitts of hell. The God was all like 'Just because he bought you a bachelor pad with a view of some sulphur lakes he's like your newest friend'. And I was like 'Whatever."
At this point I realized that the devil was a cheer leader.... "Ok, Devil. Tell me this... you're trying to get me to believe that God is bad?"
"Yeah, he's all like stuck up and stuff, and he hangs around with all those angels. Since when was it cool to like go around naked and play a harp? I mean, who do they think they are?"
.... It was at this point that I cut my hair and ran off to join the circus.

Friday, July 18, 2003

Hello, welcome to the Randomness. Anyone know what today is? That's right. Today is the 2 month anniversary of this website. I don't have time to do anything special though, mainly because I'm a slacker. But I'm proud of that. On to the randomness.

I've talked a lot about superheros on all of my websites. Why? Because there's just so much about them. I've talked about what makes a hero super, why batman isn't one... and that's pretty much it. But today I have something new... disguises. Take superman for example. On one side there's Clark Kent; kind of geeky, glasses, works at a newspaper. On the other... Superman; strong, cool, he can friggin fly. What separates the two? GLASSES. Can't those morons tell the difference between the same person wearing glasses and not wearing glasses? That's not a big difference. What about spiderman? Sure he wears a mask, but can't MJ tell his voice? She lived next to him for crying out loud. I mean, if you can tell someones voice on the phone without seeing their face, can't you tell the voice of a man wearing a mask? One day she's going to slip up when Spiderman rescues her, "Thanks Pete-- I mean spiderman" ... He's gonna kill her or something. Either superheros are morons, or the people they rescue are morons. Or both.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Hello and welcome to the Randomness, the internets number one sight for faulty news and squirrels. I know I havent posted a REGULAR post in a while (they've all been extra crispy, duh duh chhh), but that's mainly because I updated THE RANDOMNESS yesterday for the first time in a long while. It's not totally updated, but it's close. As for this site... it needs some work, mainly in the posting as of late... but I'm not worried or nothing.

On to the randomness. There are stupid people out there. The Darwin awards prove that, politics prove that, That 70's show proves that. But how can you tell if your cool stupid, or stupid stupid? Here's a chart:

Funny-Stupid: People who are funny stupid say/do stupid things, but they don't do it all the time. They do it when it's funniest (the perfect moments). We're not clowns... we're artists because clowns don't know when to quit.

Cool-Stupid: Bart Simpson is cool-stupid. He's an absolute idiot, but that's the way he likes it. He likes coasting through being the cool-funny-stupid guy. Kind of like me... but my definition of myself is a little bit later.

Smart-Stupid: This is an oxy moron (if you don't know what an Oxy-moron is you can skip to the bottom of this chart to Stupid-Stupid and go rent "Renaisance Man"). This is a person who is smart, but prefers to be stupid-funny to get laughs because he wants people to be happy.

WiseGuy-Stupid: Someone who can succesfuly blend funny-stupid, cool-stupid, smart-stupid together and still maintain an A average and do little to no homework or anything for that matter.

Stupid-Stupid: Morons for the sake of being morons.

There you have it... where are you on this list?

Monday, July 14, 2003

::Ring Ring::
[ME]: Hello?
[ME] Hello?
[AUTOMATED MESSAGE]: Please stay on the line.
(NOTE: This is normally where I would hang up... yet I was in the mood for a little fun)
[ME]: No, he's not here right now. But My Grandfathers here. Would you like to speak to him?
(NOTE: My grandfather wasn't here actually... you'll see)
[TELEMARKETER]: Hello is this--
[TELEMARKETER]: Sir, please...

::Ring Ring::
[ME]: Hello?
[TELEMARKETER]: Hello sir this is Jon from [RANDOM COMPANY], thank you for your time--
[ME]: This isn't about the body, is it
[TELEMARKETER]: No sir, this is Jon from-- body?
[ME]: Oh... about that... you see it was an accident...
[TELEMARKETER]: Sir do you know how long it has been since--
[ME]: Can you hold on a minute...
[ME]: Hello?

I got these two at around 9:30 this morning. They both called within seconds of each other.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Once upon a time...

There was a man named Jack. Jack had no job, and lived with his mother. Other than being 35, unemployed, and living with his mom... Jack also was broke, bald, fat, and had a rash on his left knee which may or may not have been poison ivy. Then one day Jack’s mom gave him some words of wisdom: GO GET A JOB YOU FAT OAF OR I’LL SELL YOU (which was quite legal in the country Jack lived in)! This was the inspiration Jack needed to hear.... so he sold his mom to a man on the street corner who said he specialized in magical fruits and vegetables. Jack wanted some bean seeds... but the man was all out. So instead Jack bought 3 magical Cantaloupe seeds. Jack figured if all else fails at least he would have a house and a whole lot of cantaloupe. He took the seeds home, planted them on the hill outside of his house, and waited. Within 4 years the magical cantaloupe had grown to the size of a very large cantaloupe, which suggested to Jack that maybe these so called ‘magical cantaloupe’ were fraud! These weren’t cantaloupe! These were honeydew! Everyone knows that cantaloupe is the money melon, and honey dew is just a cheap rip-off! Jack was so mad that he kicked the very large honey-dew and was promptly rolled over by the thousands of honey-dew that grew behind the very large honey-dew that was too far for Jack to walk because he was lazy and fat.

The End

The WiseGuy woke up, he looked around. He didn't know where he was.
"Where am I?"
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."
The WiseGuy looked at his watch, then glanced across the room at a calender. Then he looked at the man.
"No it isn't. It's July 13 at 12:30."
The man looked at him, not blinking.
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."
The WiseGuy looked up at the man again confused.
"Who are you?"
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."
The WiseGuy tried to stand up but the man hit him over the head quite hard with a stick.
Some hours later he woke up, suffering from a case of slight amnesia.
"Where am--"
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."
The WiseGuy suddenly remember who he was, where he was, and why he wanted a gun so badly.
"Seriously, we've had our fun and games, what day is it and where am I?"
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."
The WiseGuy then realized the old man wasn't even talking to him anymore. The man had three short people with furry feet tied to chairs and was poking them with a stick while repeating himself over and over again.
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."
"You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know."

The WiseGuy walked behind the man. Suddenly the old man fell flat on the floor.

"Stupid energizer batteries."

The WiseGuy then freed the short men with furry feet and sold them on e-bay. The old mans body laid on the floor for a while before The WiseGuy decided it needed a little change. The next day he brought the old man out again and set it on the floor. Instead of an old man it was a giant teddy bear.

"Man," he said. "I hate it when Lord of the Rings geeks take it way too far." He then went out and killed the wicked witch (of the far east) and helped King Arthur and The League of Extraordinary Gentleman and Luke Skywalkersave Harry Potter, in his attempt to ruin as many famous works of literature and film as humanly possible.

The End.

STIMPITS decided to rip off thewiseguy and try something new....


#384 Fire Hazards
If you are capable of moving and can catch on fire.... you are never a fire hazard

#945 Pain
Pain does in fact hurt... and thus i have a low tolerence for it

#234 The Celtic Festival
If you want to see many drunk irish people and/or buy various medevil weapons look no further than the Saline Annual Celtic Festival

#107 Student Council
Being the Vice President of student council involves no work. Pretty much i just wait for the president to die... plus it looks good as all on a resume

#542 Worst argument ever
I once heard a kid say "If there is no god... How do you explain rainbows" (and to answer thewiseguys question atheists do not say "Darwin bless you" when someone sneezes(thank evolution we got that one cleared up))

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Previously on, The Randomness Continues. TheWiseGuy talked about his horrible experiences with telemarketers. Now todays episode.

Can you believe Becky broke up with Michael and started going out with that old man in the coma after Michael told her he was the reincarnation of a 11th century tyrant? Oh sorry... I guess the whole soap opera thing got to me. Welcome back. I didn't get a call this morning (darn, I was looking forward to it) but if I get one any time today I'll be sure to post it.

Todays post is all about national security... of your toaster. Now not many people realize how much of a weapon toasters (and toast) are. For more information on the effects of toasters I ask you to go to this website:

Now how can toasters be used as a weapon? You can put toast in them and shoot it out at high speeds and high temperatures. You can beat people with them. You can make toast and then throw it at people like japanese throwing stars... countless other ways. Be careful, I read about a new threat... the refrigerator ninja. I don't know if the rumors are true, but apparenty some bathroom ninjas were kicked out and they stopped to see if the refrigerator light goes off when you close the door. They spent too many days standing there opening and closing the door, so when they finally figured out the light did go off, they forgot how to get back to the bathroom and just stayed where they were. Oh well, if I know bathroom ninjas, they will try to use anything as a weapon, so refrigerator ninjas might too, considering they're in the kitchen.... hmmm. (Go here, they give awards to people who kill themselves in the most creative ways. Sound disgusting? It kinda is, but if you're blood thirsty...)

::Ring Ring::
[ME]: Hello?
[ME]: Yes, is this Mrs. Iliketocallpeopleat9inthemorning?
[TELEMARKETER]: No, this is Sprint, we're offering a new deal where you can...
[ME]: I'm having a garage sale would you like to buy a lamp?
[TELEMARKTER]: Uh, no thank you. Anyways...
[ME]: There's a nice desk here too.
[ME]: Maam?
[ME]: We also have a nice microwave--

Actual telephone conversation this morning between me and some chick from Sprint. It was early, I was tired, but I still managed to have fun. They've been calling early every day. If I get woken up tomorrow you can be sure to hear another great conversation.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

WISEGUYISM # 17: 15% JUICE????

You buy a bottle of juice. JUICE! It says 15% juice. If it's not ALL juice, what's in it? I want pure orange juice people! PURE! I dont want to drink something that has so many preservatives in it that if you left it around for 2,000 years some space man could drink it. (Like Hotdogs!)


Is there such thing as a lactose intolerant cow? I mean, people can be allergic to sunlight and water... can't cows be allergic to milk?


I was at a store where they were selling state quarters for $1.50! You can get them for free when you buy something you morons, you're paying $1.50 for a quarter!!!!!!!


A woman filed a law suit against her former employer, the head of Law Firm. When her boss arrived at work he found her sitting in her underwear next to a filing cabinet. HAHAHA!


Why is there no american food? What would it be? Hamburgers? Hamburgers are paired with FRENCH fries... suspicious isn't it? I know they tried making 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast', but they will always be suspicious (it's the French's way of spying on us... through food!)


If a ninja wore a business suit he'd be able to attack people a lot easier. Urban camouflage. But ninjas have to dress all in black, maye "wyaahhhhhh" noises, and carry large swords. An urban ninja with a gun is a lot scarier than an obvious black ninja with a big sword. And we wont even talk about the bathroom ninjas. I saw one once that was wearing a pink bath robe and carrying a plunger. I asked him what the deal was with his outfit, and after he beat with the plunger he told me his ninja outfit was at the cleaners.


Have you noticed how champagne is only drunk on special occasions? You never see a bum on the street nursing a bottle of champagne, it just doesn't happen. Sure, it may be a little bit more expensive, but money's just colored paper. I am going to be the first person to have a bottle of champagne and a pack of oreos... in 10 years everybody will be doing it.


Personally, I think the black cat would have more to fear if he crossed my path, especially if I have my drivers license. If Grand Theft Auto has taught me anything, it's that if you drive on the sidewalk, you get there MUCH faster.


I've never been on an airplane (I may have been on one before I remember, like when I was 1-4 years old) and when I tell people that they ask if I'm afraid of flying. Uh... no, I've just never needed to get on an airplane. I've never been to Europe either, am I afraid of Europe? Well... France is pretty scary.


How did this get started? Did some little kid tell his drunk mom it was christmas or something, and then all of the neighbors kids said, "If Tommy gets Christmas in July, I want Christmas in July!"? Or is it just another one of those conspiracies so car dealerships can sell us stuff marked down (or so they say it's marked down, in fact they meant on giving it to you for that price, they just jacked up the price so they could give you a 'sale')?


This one thing I never understood about the comercilization of Easter. What does a huge rabbit hiding colored eggs have to do with the ressurection of a messiah? Call me crazy but I think there was a point to this holiday other than selling large chocolate rabbits and cadbury cream eggs.


I think he'd be a little rustier if he sat outside for years and years. Rain, snow, ice... you'd think even after just a few squirts of oil here and there he still wouldn't be able to move. Yet, dorothy gives him a couple squirts of oil and he can dance...


Is it possible to pickle a pickle? Would it be a super pickle?


Was the orange called an orange after the color orange, or was the color orange called orange after the fruit the orange?


Gym in school shouldn't be given to people who don't want it (aKa kids who are overweight or don't respect athletics), and math in school shouldn't be given to people who don't want it (aKa people who think magic cards are something magicians use (like me, I just don't get magic cards) or don't know what kind of processor giggo-whatchamacallit is inside their computer. If you stay out of gym I'll stay out of math. (That's a promise)


The internet was invented by someone like me, who figured out he could spread his message of insanity to all people buy putting it in an easily accesible place. Like a computer screen. So now I, despite knowing jack one about computers, can still run like 4 websites. Hmmmm.


Do atheists say 'Darwin bless you' when people sneeze?


Genocide. The deliberate and systematic destruction of a racial, political, or cultural group. Systematic? Does that mean planning it out? Political? Does that count as a 'colony' of ants who have a 'queen'? If so, the friggin Orkin man is a genocidal maniac.


There's someone you want to kill. You give them a scented candle that smells like poison. They sniff it, WHAM, they're dead. Just that easy. Don't expect to find these at Hallmarks.


We've all heard 'two wrongs don't make a right' when somebody does something to us, and we get revenge. If two wrongs don't make a right, do they make a left? So if you're driving down the road and you take two wrong turns, you should never turn right? Maybe I'm confused.


Mary had a little lamb,
it grew and grew and grew,
every where that Mary went,
the lamb was friggin huge.

She fed it all to often,
the lamb had a friggin gut,
and we wont even mention,
the size of this things...

but Mary loved the lamb,
no matter how obese,
the only thing she didn't like,
is finding food hidden in the fleece.

So Mary made the lamb,
go on a friggin diet,
the lamb said Mary to was fat,
and so Mary also tried it.

They had slimfast by the boatful,
and mountains of stacker 2,
they drank diet soda,
but nothing they tried would do.

Then one day mary found a book,
of a special diet,
it consisted mainly of lamb meat,
so she thought shed try it.

Mary had a little lamb,
the butcher killed it dead,
so everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb followed between two pieces of bread.

Thank you, thank you. That is a sample of what you'll find in my eventual book: 1001 RANDOM WISEGUYISMS FOR YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE (for the soul).

Wednesday, July 09, 2003


It was Presidents Day Eve. Little Billy walked up to his room after he hung his stove-pipe hat over the fireplace. He had a question he wanted to ask his mom
“Mom, I have a question I want to ask you.”
“Go ahead little Billy.”
“Is Abraham Lincoln real?”
She knew this day would come eventually. Would she tell him the truth, or make up a story like her parents had done. She knew she had to tell him the truth.
“Of course he is Little Billy. Every presidents day he falls through the roof and puts candy and toys in the stove-pipe hats of good little boys and girls and leaves copies of the Emancipation Proclamation strew around the house for mommy to pick up.”
“I thought so. Will he come tonight?”
“Of course he will Little Billy, of course he will.”
She turned off his light and went to close the door when Little Billy asked another question.
“Mommy? Is Santa Clause real?”
“Of course he isn’t dear, he’s just a cheap commercial Icon for the greedy bast**** over at K-Mart.”
“I love you mom.”


You better watch out
You better not fight
You better not succeede
I'm telling you why

Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town
Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town
Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town

He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
Who's picking your rice

Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town
Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town
Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town

He sees you when you're beating your slaves
He knows when you're succeeding
A document you best be reading

You better watch out
You better not fight
You better not succeede
I'm telling you why

Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town
Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town
Abraham Lincoln is comin' to town


'Twas the night before Presidents day, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for a mouse;
Who was busily raiding the cupboard with care,
Not knowing of the mouse trap hiding in there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of the EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION danced in their heads;
Alone in my parents basement with our cat,
I Had just turned the TV on to watch some late-night crap.

When suddenly somebody fell through the roof,
I sprang from the sofa during Conan, that goof.
Away to the stairs I flew like a flash,
Making sure I had already hidden my stash.

The moon was out as it should be at night,
Casting a glimmer on things in the night,
When I saw some really akward S***
An official looking Limo pulled by 8 former presidents.

With a red neck driver who had brains like mush,
I knew in a moment it must be George W. Bush!
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, JACKSON! now, TRUMAN! now, CARTER and NIXON!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

I don’t know if it was real cuz I was a little bit HI!,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the presidential limo and Lincoln there too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The boring political arguments of each of those goofs.
A gun in my hand, I was turning around,
Lincoln fell through the roof and landed hard on the ground.

He was dressed in a suit, from his tall hat to black boot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
I cocked my gun as he opened his sack.

His eyes -- they were rather ordinary!
His cheeks were nothing like roses, his nose didn’t look a thing like a cherry!
His stove-pipe hat was high on his head,
I thought he looked pretty good, despite being dead.

The stump of a cigar he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a long face and very toned abs,
This dead man had a friggin six pack!

He hung up the EMANCIPATION PROCLOMATION, he was almost done,
My handed tightended up on the handle of the gun;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon showed me he really was not dead;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then he called me a jerk!,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Ge gave me the bird, and out the window he rose.

He jumped in the limo, I pulled out a missle,
And ignored Clinton as he complained about stepping on a thistle..
I had really good aim, and he was just in my sight.
I pulled the trigger, and lit up the night.

Then I woke up.... Oh what a night.
This dream I had, it gave me a fright!
I killed 10 former presidents in one night,
A twinkle in my eyes, knowing all was well,
Abraham Lincoln was depp in the pits of....
Oh Well.

The smoking limo was real, outside by my pourch,
It landed right on my neighbors porche.
Lincoln was standing alone next to the wreck,
He screamed my name with raw hatred and said:

STIMPITS had lost track of the days...

He couldn't remember how long it had been since the bathroom ninjas had captured him. It could have been days... it could have been weeks. It could have been so damn long that all of his previous entries had been squashed out by newer entries. But he knew one thing... he had to escape to post once more.

"Blast" he muttered through his gag as he tried to undue the soap on a roap that so tightly bound his hands. It took several hours before any progess was made. This was mostly due to the fact that every 5 minutes the bathroom ninjas would patrol his area of the prison and retighten the knot... however, between one interval of tightening he managed to undue the rope.

When the next patrol came he swung madly until he caught the guard in the stomach. In one swift motion he grabbed the keys and ran for the door (while taking off his gag and breaking the chains on his feet.) Then he ran... he ran until his legs burned and his veins pumped battery acid... then he ran some more (COUGH fight club COUGH). Soon he reached the nearest computer and posted his newest entry:

"It's good to be back...", he wrote," My hair slightly longer, my face aged, and my mind wiser I've learned a lot. I may never know how long the ninjas held me captive... until i check the calender"

He looked up at the ceiling and promised to post more...

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Nine out of Ten marine biologists agree on the statement, "Water is wet." The tenth scientest argued, "Water is not wet, it is the two parts hydrogen and the one part oxygen that are wet."

In other news, one out of ten marine biologist are said to be legally insane and should not have their opinions matter considering they are insane.

In other news, nine out of nine marine bioligists agree on the statement, "Water is wet."

In international news, Scientist Fernando Sanchez is suing us for using his statement out of context. Apparently he said, "Water is not wet, it is the two parts hydrogen and the one part oxygen that are wet... get it? It's a joke! Hahaha!"

In other news a dolphin named Flippy is being sued for allegedly pretending to be Flipper at a party. The Florida supreme court will decided whether or not Flipper is a nickname for Flippy this September.

In local news, nothing happened because we don't know where you're from. If you told us we probably wouldn't care.

In business, I bought a pair of sunglasses and took a penny from the "take-a-penny, leave-a-penny" jar. According to the owner of the store, "Mr. Smith actually took TWO pennies from the "take-a-penny, leave-a-penny" jar, violating a sacred law upheld by many a generation of shop keepers."

In sports, I went golfing today and hit a squirrel in the face with my 9 iron after I got mad and threw it into the woods. The squirrel is suing for a reported 1.8 million.

In entertainment I was watching the E! channel and have decided to sue them for false advertising because in their name they say "entertainment", and The Anna Nicole Smith show is not entertaining.

In technology, I tought my bird how to say "palm pilot".

And now for more on the Vietnam Conflict. In an interview with Vietnam specialist Doug Fog he said, "You guys are crazy, 'Complete Coverage' does not mean you follow the story for over 30 years. Stop calling me! I'm retired!"

And for coverage on the 2010 Vancouve winter Olympic games we go to Bill Walton who's in Vancouver. "Hello Bill? How are the games going?"
"Not so good Mary. I talked to a man on the street and he said, 'Dude, the games aren't for 7 years. Go back to bed."
"Did you kill him Bill? I mean, no one talks smack to news reporters."
"Yes, yes I did. I beat him in the face 6-7 times with a rusty shovel."
"That's good to hear Bill. And now to Cynthia Voight with todays weather.

"Thank you Mary! As you can see I hate my job, and all you lazy ***** need to do is look out the window! Go **** a tree you ****** morons!!!!! I quit, get another ****** weatherman you ******!"

"Thank you Cynthia. And now Ted has some good health tips."

"That's right Mary. Apparently smoking cigars and eating the ashes is NOT healthy. Boy am I going to die early. Oh my god, my heart!!!!! Please, someone help me! Oh god it hurts so much!"

"Thanks for the tip Ted. Alex has some great summer food tips for us."

"No I don't Mary. Not for you atleast. I sent you a christmas card for gods sake, but you don't call? You don't even say HI to me anymore! You said HI to Bill at the friggin sports desk 5 times yesterday!!!! Couldn't you have said HI to him 4 times and said HI to me once?????"

"That's amazing Alex, only 50 calories for that whole meal."
"What the heck are you talking about??? I'm sittinf here saying you and BILL are doing something during lunch breaks that does not consist of eating "lunch"."
"I will have a great day, thanks Alex."

"Well, for Channel 9 1/2 news, I'm Maryarra Gant. Good night."

Todays blog is hot and full of good old fashioned blog goodness, like a warm cinnamon roll minus the warmth, the cinnamon, and the roll.... so it's nothing like a warm cinnamon roll, but people like warm cinnamon rolls... and people don't like my blog... so... yeah, todays blog is not like a warm cinnamon roll. In fact, it's not even like a cold cinnamon roll, because it's not cold, nor does it have any cinnamon or roll. So, it's really more like a bunch of words on a thingy that pop up on your screen when you click on my link. Mmmmmm, bunch of words on a thingy that pop up on your screen when you click on my link... (homer simpson drooling).....

I found my writing mojo. It was pulled over for driving drunk and throw into the drunk tank. I had to pay a $1,000 fine. Stupid mojo. Don't ask me where it got the car. I don't know that one. It just kinda had a car I guess. Oh well.

Todays randomness is brought to you by my cat... if you're going to pet one cat this summer... pet him!

What if:

Michael Jackson and The Chipmunks did an album together?

It would sound kind of like a high pitched-fuzzy explosion with a lot of "owwwwwwwww!"'s in the backround.

A WIseGuy once said:
-IRISH black and decker smoothie

Monday, July 07, 2003

Hello, and welcome back to the randomness. Today we have a very special treat! Today is only 172 days until christmas! Hooray! You may be wondering why my last few posts TOTALLY SUCK! Well... it seems I've lost my mojo. My writing mojo that is. I wrote a TON of stories the last few weeks and it seems I killed my writing mojo. You may be wondering what the difference between a normal mojo and a writing mojo is. Well... for one thing, the word "mojo" is owned by New Line Cinema... I guess thats the only reason there, so I shouldn't have said "one thing". There you are... the fact that my writing mojo is gone... or atleast in very limited supply. It's like the limited supply of authentic idiots. The idiots today... man, they don't make 'em like they used to. Back in the olden days an idiot wouldn't go "duh... I'm an idiot." They were oblivious to the fact that they were any less inteligent than the rest of us, which made them funny. But todays idiots TRY to be stupid. I mean, how stupid is that? I don't try to be stupid... it just happens when I do every day things. Let me explain:

Authentic Idiot:
Mr. Bean: You all know this show. It's great because this guy, Mr. Bean (Rowan Atkinson) does not try to do the stupid things he does. He just does them because he thinks that's what everyone else does. He doesn't be dumb on purpose, in fact, he turns it into an art!

Fake Idiot:
Johnny Knoxville: Yes, we've all seen HIS Mtv show. The first time you see somebody hurt themselves to be funny you laugh just becase seeing someone do something stupid to themselves is funny. Then you see that they will go to extremes to hurt themselves for a TV show that is shown at like 1 am for insomniacs who happen to be blood thirsty maniacs!

Now there is the difference. Mr. Bean doesn't know better. Johnny Knoxville is just retarded.

A WiseGuy once said:
-If all is fair in love and war, then why is there no United Nations for dating? I mean, if all is NOT fair in war and they need to have the UN keep it fair, then why is there no Hans Blix checking someone out before they go on a date? Maybe they have weapons of mass destruction or something.
-If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then why are there copyright laws? Shouldn't the people who you copy be happy because you're saying you like what they do by copying them?
-If every action has an EQUAL and OPPOSITE reaction, then why when you buy something for 50.00 don't they pay you 50.00? Handing them 50.00 is an action, giving me back 50.00 is EQUAL and OPPOSITE because he's now giving ME back 50.00. I think somebody got fired for that mistake.
-If love is the greatest language of all, what is the alphabet of love?
-If a black hole is invisible, then how do we know space isn't just one big black hole?
- Who invented the idea of Monday mornings? Someone must have said, "Hmmm, lets see. We need a day where everyone throws on their clown suits, hops in a car, and leaves the comforts of their bed at the earliest, most inconvenient time of day!" But now I realize, if we didn't have mondays, tuesday would suck.
-Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, eggs are for breakfast and chicken is for dinner. There you go, I solved it!
-What does X equal? X is a letter between W and Y.
-What are the numbers in Pi? Whoah are you dumb, first of all it's PIE. Second, there are no numbers in PIE it's a word, not a number.
-If a tree falls in the middle of a forest, and no one hears, does it make a sound? Yes, "Crrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaackkkkkkkkk".
-What is with the statement, "A god fearing man"? I think Ian McKellen from the Movie X-men said it best. "That is such an odd statement. I always saw god as loving and caring." It's strange isn't it?

What did I tell you, my writing mojo is depleted. All I have left is witty observances! AHHHH!

Friday, July 04, 2003

Hello and welcome to The Randomness for our 4th of July celebration. We can't set off any fireworks considering were A FRIGGIN WEBSITE. So instead we have two posts. The first...


1. If I were a beverage, what would I be?
A. A nice cold glass of prune juice
B. A bucket of dish detergent
C. A bottle of diet caffeine free Mt. Dew
D. Blood

2. True or False: If I punched you in the face it would hurt.

3. Texas is bigger than Ohio because:
A. Ohio smells, and Texas doesnt
B. Ohio is confusing and I’ve never been to Texas
C. Texas has a good hockey team, Ohio doesn’t
D. Because Texas has more land mass, you moron.

4. If the Incredible Hulk fought Corporate Scandals Man, who would win?
A. The Hulk
B. Me
D. The bathroom Ninjas
(e.) corporate whatever man

5. The letter W sucks so bad

6. How do you spell the word “Antidisestablishmentarianism”?

7. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad your at my website? Hahaha

8. Why does School suck?
A. Because it does
B. Becuase it does
C. Because it does
D. It doesn’t and I’m signing up on The WiseGuys list for people to smack

9. The first person who sends me an email with todays secret word (IRISH) gets a free point on their test!

10. Why is Kansas so cold?

11. What is the square root of pie divided by cake on top of a brownie with a hexagram cracker on top divisible by 11111? There’s only 4 possible answers... this isn’t hard.
A. Math sucks
B. Math sucks
C. Math Sucks
E. Math Sucks
G. Math Sucks

12. What year was the battle of 1812 fought?
A. Last year
B. October
C. Yes
D. 1812

13. Which of these people are better?
A. Homer Simpson
B. Jon Stewart
C. Arnold Schwarzenegger
D. Peter Griffin

14. How many months in a decade?
A. 12
B. Too many
C. Not enough
D. 120

15. If I were a fruit I would be a:

16. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
A. A lot
B. 16 pounds
C. Your mom
D. As much wood as a wood chuck would chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood.

17. If I had an orange lying around in my refrigerator I would:

18. Denial is a river in:
A. August
B. Mars
C. Israel
D. Europe
E. Africa
F. Egyptian
G. None of the above

19. Batman is/isn't a superhero because:

20. Which sport is worse?
A. Golf
B. Tennis
C. Womens beach volleyball
D. Beisbol (baseball)

21. If someone called me stupid I would say:
A. I know you are but what am I?
B. Takes one to know one!
C. Your mom!
D. Thank you, but I think you can do better than that. Want to try it one more time just so you don't embarrass yourself?

22. Life is like a:
A. Box of chocolates
B. An old car with bad brakes because there is a lot of squealing (my guinea pig) and smoke (don't ask me...)
C. Your mom
D. A glass of Mt. Dew (mmmm)

23. Why does AOL suck sooo horribly???

24. If I could go to one website, what would it be?

25. If I met George W. Bush I would tell him to:
A. Your mom
B. Shut up
C. Suck a lemon
(e). You're a great King and we love you very much please don't hang me

26. "It's better to watch stuff, than to do stuff." Who said this?
A. Bart Simpson
B. Homer Simpson
C. Lisa Simpson
D. Marge Simpson
E. Maggie Simpson

27. If I were stuck on an island with a cd player and an N Synchk CD, I would:
A. Listen to it
B. Gouge my ears out with a rock
C. Drown my self
D. Tape it to the cd player with my duct tape and die peacefully

28. PEZ

29. Today is July 4th, so we:
A. Go to picnics
B. Go to movies
C. Go to a lake

30. What day did I start The Randomness Continues?

31. Why did the cult kick me out?
A. Stealing glue and gluing the doors shut
B. Stealing rulers
C. Because they hate me
D. Stealing erasers and chucking them at cars on the highway

32. What steps should you take to protect yourself from the bathroom ninjas?
A. Have your house sprayed three times a year
B. Throw away all Bruce Lee, Three Ninja, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Jet Li, or Jackie Chan movies.
C. De-numb chuck your front door
D. All of the above

33. What day has the longest A WiseGuy once said?
A. June 09
B. June 16
C. Never
D. Your mom

34. This quiz is too long

35. Who appeared in my cereal bowl?
A. God
B. Buddha
C. Aaron Spelling
D. Geraldo Rivera
E. Al Roker and the Bathroom Ninjas (a new band)
F. A+D


37. What day did STIMPMITS join the randomness?

38. How many letters in the longest word in the english language?
A. 1002
B. 1,000,200
C. 102,000
D. 1,000,002
E. 1,000,000,000,000,200
F. 1,202

40. How do you spell Habanero?
A. You already spelled it you moron
B. Jabanero
C. What's an habanero?
D. I don't care

41. We skipped number 39.... oh well.

42. The coolest animal is:
A. The Llama
B. The Penguin
C. The elephant
D. The donkey

43. Which half of Berlin was under the soviets control?
A. East
B. West
C. South
D. Northeast

44. If I had to rank this web site on how good it is, out of a 10 it would get a:
A. 10/10
B. 11/10
C. Diez/Diez
D. X/X

45. Which is better, Ketchup of Catsup?

46. Mayonaise or Miracle Whip?

47. If I could eat one fruit it would be:
A. A piece of juicy fruit
B. Runts
C. Ju-ju cherry thingys
D. Orange juice flavored jelly belly's

48. I am so:
A. Cool
B. Cool
C. Cool
D. Super cool

49. What is the best movie ever?
A. The Matrix
B. The Matrix Reloaded
C. The Matrix Revolutions
D. What the heck is the Matrix?

50. Is the quiz done?

39. I told you I'm good..... no forgetting poor 39!

Here are answers!!!


1. D. Blood, because the others are worse
2. True
3. D, you Moron
4. B, Me because I rock
5. Yes, yes it does.
6. Antidisestablishmentarianism
7. Hahaha
8. A, because it does
9. Ok
10. Because it is
11. G, math sucks
12. D, 1812
13. Homer Simpson
14. D, 120
15. Pack of Runts
16. A, a lot
17. Throw it at passing cars
18. E, Africa
19. Money doesn't make you a super hero
20. Golf
21. D
22. D
23. Because it is friggin evil
24. All 4 of them over and over again
25. C, suck a lemon
26. B, Homer Simpson
27. D
28. PEZ
29. D!!!!!!!!!
30. Sunday, May 18
31. D
32. D, all of the above
33. B, june 16
34. Yes, yes it is
35. F, A+D
37. Sunday, June 15
38. F, 1,202
40. C
41. Poor old # 39
42. A, THE LLAMA ROCKS!!!!!!!!!
43. A, East
44. B, 11/10
45. Ketchup, catsup has no cats
46. Both of them suck
47. B
48. D, super cool
49. E, if you said D im gonna kill you
50. Yes, yes it is... unfortunatley
39. Poor old # 39

If you got a:

51-60: You fail because it's a 50 question quiz
41-50: You're me because I rigged it so only I get a 50/50
31-40: You probably cheated, so you fail too
21-30: You're probably a robot/al gore/ or STIMPMITS
11-20: You suck and you fail just because I say so
1-10: You are a rap/country/pop singer and you fail cuz I dont like you
0-0.5: You are a WiseGuy

Thursday, July 03, 2003

Hello and welcome to The Randomness where we have boycotted pants!!!!! Ok, maybe not... no reason to hide. Todays randomness is a public service announcement:

For all of you who actually know me (I know... scary thought) you know that I am someone what obsessed with The Simpsons. I can qoute it, sing songs from it, recite whole episodes, and have actually seen 309/313 episodes. But I am always looking for other funny shows. I've created a list of the top funniest shows on TV, My top 5:

1. The Simpsons: It can't get better than this show, it really can't. A drunk slacker dad, a know-it-all daughter, a gambling clean-a-holic mom, and a son who gets in more trouble than Bill Clinton. Then theres the other one, the one who doesn't talk (Maggie is so awesome, but Homer often refers to her as "The other one"). With so many guest stars (Danny Devito, Kelsey Grammer, N Sync, Blink 182, Tony Hawk, etc.) and unbelievably odd plot lines (Granpa Simpson wins a free autopsy, so he and Homer go to buy a tomb thingy. Grampa wants the largest and most expensive one. The man who is selling it tells him it takes about as much space as a regulation tennis court. So he buys a tennis court, thinking it's Foxy Boxing.) WATCH THIS SHOW!

2. Trigger Happy TV: This show is so awesome. It deserves to be #1, but The Simpsons will always be there. It's a hidden camera show that is a combination of SNL, and Jackass. It usually features a lot of people dressed up as animals, this may sound dumb, but it's not. Imagine this: One man is walking down a side walk in an alley towards a cross section. It's quiet, he's by himself. He turns the corner and suddenly 100 people dressed as animals holding signs chase him up the sidewalk screaming. Imagine this: There is a shop window with a scene from the North Pole. A "robotic" santa claus and an elf are putting presents under a tree. The elf bends down, pretends to pick up a package (it's in his hand the whole time) and then swings roboticly to where santa is. Santa then pretends to take the package (he never does considering it stays in the elf's hands) then bends down and swings his arms roboticaly to a tree. They do this several times; then when the elf swings his arms over to Santa, he drops the package and a look of horror strikes him as Santa runs to him and punches him in the face. Imagine this: A milk man drives up to a house, grabs a thing of milk, and walks to the porch. As he does this three people dressed up as cats come up and steal three crates of milk and walk off as the milk man looks on curiously. Imagine this: Two people dressed as rabbits are walking down the street past to women. They hug, then one points to a porta-potty. They go in, then it rocks really fast several times, then they walk out followed by six "baby" rabbits. If this doesn't sound funny to you your an idiot.

3. Family Guy: Another awesome show. It's just so random. It's about a family consisting of a dumb dad, a worried mom, a fat teenage son, a socially-obsessed teenage daughter, an evil 2 year old obsessed with killing his mom, and a talking dog named Brian. Although it didn't last long (3 seasons) it has some of the most random moments (Peter (the dad) talks to a tree whom he asks "If a tree falls in the middle of the forest, and nobody see's, does it make a sound?" The tree responds, "Yeah, Carl fell last week and he won't shut up about it." You then see a whining tree on the ground.). It's an awesome show.

4. The Daily show with Jon Stewart: The only news show I will EVER watch. It takes the news and totally makes fun of it. Everything from made up stories, to top headlines. There isn't much I can say on this show because I watch it too often to remember pieces of it. Oh well, forget CNN. This show is better. (then again so is getting your teeth pulled out)

5. Malcom in the Middle/Futurama/I'm with Busey/SNL/Conan O'Brien/Jay Leno: Too many shows.... so you must be wondering "What an idiot, there are exactly 10 shows on your list, yet you do a top 5????" Yes. Yes I do. Jerk!

A WiseGuy once said:
-I'm really a cybourg from the future sent by a system of robots to assisinate the unborn leader of a future resistance group. The leaders name? John Conn--, I mean... um.... uh....STIMPMITS! But don't tell him. You know... that would be kinda dumb if he found out and all, considering I'm supposed to kill him an all that.... you wont tell him will you? Oh shoot, this is his web site too----
-I've been watching too much Terminator. I saw Terminator on Tuesday, T2 Wednesday, and T3 today (not yet, but I am)

Later all... oh sorry. Hasta La Vista, baby. (No, I am not like Ahnuld. Get over it you fat oaf (it's better if you add the ahnuld accent to that))