South Dakota Senate Passes Abortion Ban
The South Dakote state senate approved a bill to completley ban abortions in the state of South Dakota, Thursday. The measure returns to the House next week, where it was already approved previously. It is the first ban of it's kind in the United States, and was done with hopes of being brought to the US Supreme court to overturn the controversial Roe v. Wade decision, which made abortion legal.
But seriously. South Dakota, you can admit it. We understand. Embrace the truth! We all realize that this really has nothing to do with a "moral dilemna." We know that your boring-ass state needs all the people it can get. Please, just be up-front about it.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
South Dakota Senate Passes Abortion Ban
Thursday, December 15, 2005
President Bush Declares War on Unlikely Enemy
At an emergency Christmas Day press conference, President George W. Bush shocked the world by declaring that the United States had officially begun several strategic air attacks on important ground structures in a country which, until that morning, the United States had seemingly good relations with.
"Making a decision like this is never easy," The President said to a small crowd of reporters, "But I really feel that it was the only way to deal with such an outrage as was committed against our great nation this morning. At approximately... uh...," the president paused to count on his fingers, "07:30 this morning, I gleefully ran down to the Christmas tree, only to find that every single present under the tree was filled with coal! Even my stocking, which I had hung by the chimney with care, was filled with coal!
"So I asked Dick, I said Dick, I said, ‘Dick? Why did Santy Clause leave me coal, why?’ And Dick, he, ‘Urgggh, George, go ask Mrs. Cheney. Mr. Cheney may have had a few too many egg nogs last night.’ So I went to Mrs. Cheney, and she said, ‘Well George, have you been a good boy this year? Santa brings presents for the good boys and girls, and leaves only coal for the naughty ones.’"
"It was then," The President continued, "That I knew I had been robbed of my presents! So, of course, I asked Laura if she knew Santa’s number, maybe he just misplaced all of my presents! But Dick came up to me and said, ‘George, Santa didn’t forget your presents. You’ve been put on the naughty list.’"
"Naughty list? Naughty list?! That’s only somethin’ that a part of the Axis of Evil would say!"
"So, let me get this straight," A reporter from the Washington Post asked, puzzled, "You’ve begun strategic air strikes on... the North Pole?"
"That’s right! I’ll teach them to mess with Texans and their Harry Potter Legos!"
Thursday, October 13, 2005
International Olympic Committee Makes Controversial New Decision
This week, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) made a decision on what has been a very controversial subject in the last several decades: who is allowed to compete in the Olympic games?
Until 1992, the games were known as the highest medium for amateur athletes to compete at an international level. In the 1992 games in Barcelona, the rule was changed to allow professional athletes to participate in the summer games.
The result were uneven matches, such as the US men's basketball "dream team," featuring the likes of Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson, who faced a team from Croatia (which most of the players probably didn't even know was a country) in the finals, and slaughtered them 117-85; the closest margin of all eight games.
In order to preserve as much of the original spirit of the Olympics as possible, the IOC has handed down their decision and will strictly enforce it. The current issue first became a problem last summer during the 2004 games in Athens, when a player on Team USA's table tennis team, upset at not getting a medal, attacked the other athletes.
"Hulk was having bad year," The Incredible Hulk said in an interview with Sports Illustrated, following the incident. "Superhero jobs harder to find. Hulk smash, villains join union, hulk get sued. Hulk forced to find new job, has lots of time on hands. Takes up crochet, vollunteers at Animal Shelter, buy stock and set up 401(k). One day Hulk offered position on USA ping pong team. Hulk gladly takes. Now Hulk told Hulk not allowed within 100 feet of sports at all times, and all other super heroes banned from teams. Hulk angry! HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH!"
The decision has also effected other super heroes. "Of course I was upset," Aquaman said. "I missed the Athens games because of the whole doping-scandal, which I'd rather not get into, and was preparing for Beijing. And now, suddenly I'm not allowed!"
"I don't necesarilly agree with the decision," Superman said in an interview earlier this week. "But I understand it. If you think about it, most super heroes are from the United States. When was the last time you heard about the great heroes of Brunei Darussalam?"
Though the decision has met great opposition in the United States, the IOC plans to stand behind it. "We have no intentions of loosening this restriction," said IOC President, Jacques Rogge. "We don't care how often the IOC headquarters are Bataranged, expelled to Dimension X, covered in web, or attacked by Dolphins."
Monday, October 03, 2005
Mushroom Picture Collection: Part V
(Mushroom Picture Collections: I, II, III, and IV)
One of these things is not like the other! One of these things just doesn't belong!
Your mushroom wears army boots!
Mushroom with a halo?
Bath time for the Mushroom.
The Easter Mushroom?
A Mushroom nest, part I.
A mushroom nest, part II.
Back with nature, part 6: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the mushroom sleeps tonight.
The Jolly Green Mushroom.
Mushroom and friend, part 4.
Mushroom brown-baggin' it.
A mushroom-a-day keeps the doctor away!
Government Predicts It Will Take 13 Years To Accomplish What They Already Accomplished 36 Years Ago
Several weeks ago, NASA unveiled plans to key White House staff members to put a man back on the moon by 2018. The plan involves building a new crew capsule, main engines, solid rocket boosters and massive external fuel tanks. The $100 Billion idea was presented to an advisor to U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney and President Bush's personal activities cooridnator, who would brief the President about them after he has finished his graham crackers and apple juice.
"We're very pleased with the progress we've made," said NASA Administrator Mike Griffin. "We've come a long way since 1969-- well, in terms of technology. I mean, now we have several different flavors of Tang!"
A few days later, President Bush arrived at Dick Cheney's office carrying an enevelope bearing the official seal of the President of the United States. Inside were the President's own ideas for reaching the moon, complete with a blueprint and detailed instructions:
Friday, September 23, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Bush Announces Supreme Court Nominee
On Tuesday night, President Bush announced his nominee for the Supreme Court Justice to replace retiring Justice, Sandra Day O'Connor. While there was much speculation about who the President would choose, and whether or not the Democrats would use the fillibuster on a justice who was too conservative, Bush's pick went far beyond their worst fears.
"His choice is someone none of us could possibly have guessed," said Senator John McCain (R-AZ). "He has had no previous political background, and has barely even had any experience in law!"
Despite criticism, President Bush stands strongly behind his choice. "I feel he is the very best man for the job," Bush said while milking a cow on his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
"After all, I chose him, hoho! I mean, that wasn't easy either. It's kinda like, as we say in Texas-- um-- it's like-- milking a cow with a-- milker thingy, you sorta don't-- exactly-- know what you're-- getting-- and--," the President paused to pull notecards out of his front pocket.
"I am very pleased with my choice," he continued, reading directly from the cards, "flip card to back, and I am sure that congress will agree with me, hold for applause and smile for pictures."
Thursday, July 07, 2005
BlockBuster Announces Revolutionary New Program
This week, BlockBuster, the movie and video game rental giant, announced it will begin a new program that will revolutionize how rental stores work. This comes several months after the store started it's "No Late Fees" policy, which went into effect on January 1st, 2005. That policy allows customers to return rentals several days late, without having to worry about a late fee.
While that policy has been very popular with many, BlockBuster received several lawsuits about the fine print of the policy, which states that if a customer has a rental for too long, they are charge full price and a small restocking fee. Recently these lawsuits were settled outside of court, and BlockBuster change the wording of the policy.
Seeing how sales increased and gave BlockBuster the edge over all other rental stores, Chairman and CEO John Antioco announced another new policy, which will go into effect January 1st, 2006. "Our new policy," Antioco said during a press conference, "is the first of it's kind for rental stores. I am pleased to announce our new "End of Returns" policy. That's right, you don't even have to return your favorite DVDs or video games now! You simply pay $20 for a DVD and $50 for a video game, and they are yours for as long as you could possibly want them!"
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Congratulations, Ben and Jennifer Affleck!
If you've been reading this website for a whiole, then you know that I've been doing my best to help my friend Ben Affleck marry a good Jennifer (See November 01, 2004's BENNIFER EPISODE II: A New Hope?). Well it finally seems to have worked, because he and Jennifer Garner recently got married, and are pregnant (well, I'm pretty sure she's pregnant, but you never do know).
I can see it now... in about 8 years their son/daughter will be flipping through channels and see Daredevil. "Mommy? Why is Daddy blind, and why are you beating him up on a playground?" That kid is going to have a rough life. I mean, we all get teased at one point or another about our parents. But when your Dad was in Pearl Harbor and your Mom was in 13 Going on 30, you better either have a really good defense, or be able to beat the living crap out of anyone.
PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES NEW DIRECTION FOR IRAQ WAR
On Tuesday, in a televised address to the nation, President Bush announced he wants to take the war in a new direction. In his speech, Bush claimed that the original reason for going into Iraq wasn't to get rid of Weapons of Mass Destruction (Wait, what? Was that before or after we found out there weren't any?), but instead to eliminate the "Terrorist Haven" that Saddam Hussein set up in Iraq. And now, over two years after we shock and awed the crap out of Saddam's regime, our President said that because of the war, Iraq has become even more of a center for terrorism.
Wait.. he's for this war that he started, isn't he? He is?!? Ok, just making sure. I was kind of confused there, because he had a really good point (albeit for the opposite side of the issue he's arguing--but hey, we'll cut him some slack, the fact that he had a good idea is shocking). Why is it that our President, the one who fully supported and pushed the war from the very beginning, is saying that in more than two years we haven't just been unsuccesful in accomplishing our goal, but in fact have lost ground?? That doesn't make me want to skip down the street going, "Oh goody! Hooray for war!"
If the war has gotten us no further to accomplishing this "original goal", then why are we:
a) still there
b) still doing the same thing
c) claiming we're winning
d) not firing the people who made this mistake?
If I was in charge of a big Corporation (as we, the people, supposedly are
in charge of this country), and my managers had done nothing to stimulate any success at all in a project for over two years, they would have been fired a long time ago.
According to The Rasmussen Reports, President Bush's approval rating is currently sitting at 48%. That's interesting, because that essentially means as of today 48% of the country thinks he's doing a good job. Which leaves....... 52%!!!
The question that brings up is, if a majority of the country thinks he's doing a poor job, why was he also re-elected by a majority? I believe the final results of the 2004 Election went something like this:
George W. Bush
Not only does a majority of the country think he's doing a bad job, a majority of the country also thinks he's doing good enough of a job to serve a second term. Hmm.... does that not make sense to anyone else?
Don't worry, I promise to stop ranting.
Nearing the end of his address on Tuesday night, President Bush outlined his plan for a new way to handle the war: "Well I was thinkin' about this, ya know, last night while Dick and I were playin' Candy Land, I said to Dick, I said, 'Dick, I got a new idea for a way we can win this war. D'you remember how before, when we were playin' Risk, you were beatin' me so badly that I gave up and ran away cryin'? That's what the Iraqis should do!' I think that would make this war a heck of a lot easier to win, you know, if we weren't fightin' anyone. I think maybe our army could handle that."
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Every June, all around the country thousands upon thousands of children scratch their head as to what they should get Dad for Father's day: powertools? A suit? A Hawaiian shirt?
Sometimes we all have problems finding a gift for our Dads, but one son's situation stands above everyone else's.
"I always hear, 'What do I get for a dad who has everything!?' Stop your whining! My problem's much worse. What do you get for a dad who made everything," a bitter Jesus said.
"Each year I get him the same boring box of chocolates and a necktie. Of course, he always says thank you and acts surprised at how delicious the chocolates are... but come on, I know he made them! He doesn't have to humor me."
"Great idea, Shih Huang Ti, a piece of cloth you wear around your neck! Amazing! Stupid Chinese, if it wasn't for egg roles I'd so reign fire down on all of you." -God
So remember that this year, as you whine about not knowing what Dad really wants, it could be worse: you could be Jesus.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
The Randomness Continues: Two Years and Counting
It's been two years since I first made this website. That was quite a while ago. Since then, the site hasn't seen a couple pretty big changes, most notably are the improvement in my writing (some stuff from summer 2003 is just plain terrible), the addition of pictures, and of course, the 'shroom.
Sure, the website isn't that popular. I mean, I'm not eating caviar with a Visa Card yet. But I have a feeling that's not too far away.
With another year coming, what new changes are on the horizon?
I'm not quite sure yet. I'm hoping to get my own URL and leave Blogger behind. No offense to Blogger, but I want something a little bigger. I've also been playing around with sound and video lately, so that might be happening.
Just look forward to more of the same old random crap I always crank out.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Top 10 Explanations As To Why Darth Vader Became Evil:
10. Jedi Temple cafeteria food.. need I say more?
9. Sith offer better dental policy.
8.Still bitter over that damn braid/mullet cut.
7. Emperor Palpatine offered him candy.
6. When hear Yoda bitch every day, begin to get annoyed you will.
5. Chicks dig the asthmatic noise.
4. 50% off on black polish.
3. Lots of bitches.
2. Wants to get job working for FOXNews.
1. If Jar Jar was on your side you'd switch over too.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
So I was watching that network last weekend, when some interesting things caught my attention. First off was President Bush congratulating the new Pope, the clip went something like this:
"Laura and I would like to extend our congratulations to the new Pope, Pope Benedict the... Pope Benedict the... uh... um... I is one... what's V again? 7 and 1/2? What?! 5? So Pope Benedict the X5I? Wait, XVI. What's X? Gosh darnit. Dick! Get me my calculator!"
Then onto headline news:
Anchor: "Stay tuned after the commercials for our headlines."
Co-Anchor: Coming up, Ashton Kutcher talks about his new movie and what makes a good Romantic Comedy! Oh, by the way, there was a new Pope or something.
Anchor: (to co-anchor) "I really do love that Ashton Kutcher!"
I am so glad our media has it's priorities set. What priorities? I thought you'd never ask!
THE MEDIA PYRAMID
Friday, April 29, 2005
New Development in the Michael Jackson Molestation Case
On Thursday singer Michael Jackson's ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, testified in court. District Attorney Tom Sneddon was hoping Ms. Rowe would claim that Jackson made her read statements that appeared in an interview saying the alledged Molestation never occured. Instead, Ms. Rowe claimed Jackson never did anything of the sort.
Looking for some last minute evidence to get a guilty verdict, Sneddon called another celebrity to take the stand. No, it wasn't Cory Feldman again, as much as his career could use the boost.
"Tell me Mr. Clause," Judge Rodney Melville said on Friday, "In your own words, what happened that night in April of 2002?"
Santa Clause leaned into the podium-mounted microphone. "Well, Michael invited me to Neverland, said he had some new ideas for toys, told me to bring some of my 'cute little friends' with me."
The judge nodded, "Then what happened?"
Santa Fidgeted. "Well," Clause continued, "I--," Santa then broke into tears. "I swear I had it with me when I left the North Pole! You know, I'm always checking it twice, sometimes even three times! Mrs. Clause always has to bug me on Thursdays to turn off the OC and get to work on that darn list. Well, Michael and I were sitting there talking about this idea he had for me to outsource some elves to Neverland to do research and design, and I reached into my pocket to make sure it was still there--- and it was gone." Santa burried his head into his hands.
"Mr. Clause," Judge Melville asked, "What happened to the list?"
Clause reached for a Kleenex and blew his nose. "Well, I told Michael to keep an eye out because I am getting on in years and have been known to be careless and forgetful with things. I was on my way out to the sleigh, when I realized I had forgotten to ask Michael for an autograph for The Easter Bunny. So I walked back in and that's when I saw--," Santa blew his nose again, "I saw Michael with my list, writing down the names of all the good little boys and... well, just the good little boys."
This shocking new piece of evidence comes as a major blow to Jackson' defense team. Prosecutors have announced that they will next call on The Tooth Fairy and The Boogeyman, both of which are close friends with Jackson. In a press conference on Saturday morning the Boogeyman's lawyer, Diane Chase, said that her client refuses to make any statements on allegations that Jackson bribed The Boogeyman into allowing the singer to hide in closets with him.
A similar response came from The Tooth Fairy's attourney, Bob Newhart. "Ms. Fairy is good friends with Mr. Jackson, and will indeed testify in his defense next week," Newhart told reporters. "These claims that Mr. Jackson threatened to stop brushing his teeth if Ms. Fairy didn't allow him to come collect teeth with her are absolutley perposterous."
Thursday, April 21, 2005
So, what ACTUALLY happened behind the sealed door of The Sistine Chapel?
10. Halo LAN party.
9. Johnny Depp-a-thon.
8. Put on their mothers' clothes and make up and argued over who is cuter, Nick from the Backstreet Boys or Justin from N*Sync.
7. Spin the Bottle.
6. Watched the Cardinals-Padres game.
5. Tapped a keg and set a lit bag of dog shit on the front step of St. Peter's Basillica.
4. Took the Pope Mobile for a joy ride.
3. Drew mustache's on Michaelangelo's figures.
2. Held a quiet, respectful, holy conclave.
1. Fight Club, Ratzinger vs. Sodano.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Mass Genocide Goes Unnoticed Once Again
Each year thousands are abused. They are covered in food, dirty laundry, used and forgotten. Then one day, they are dragged out of their houses and into the streets where they are beaten and lit on fire. Each year this happens, but nothing is ever done to stop it.
Each year during March Madness thousands of sofas are burned on college campuses around the country. In East Lansing this year hundreds of sofas became sacrifices following the Michigan State Spartan's loss in the final rounds of both the men and women's college basketball championships.
Only you can prevent sofa violence.
Please, adopt a sofa. Give it a good home, not lying in a street covered in alcohol and Tarheel jerseys, but away from the violence and abuse of college campuses, in a family room next to a potted plant and an ottoman.
You can give sofas, like this one, a second chance.
You can help this poor defenseless sofa, even if you can't actually adopt one. The "Sponsor a Sofa" program helps sofas get the help they need. Through your donations, a sofa can get cleaned and reupholstered, well on it's way to a new life.
You can help prevent this violence.
You can make a difference.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Monday, March 21, 2005
List of Steroid Suspects Increases Drastically
In the last few months, the steroid debate has grown immensely. Before that, President Bush declared his intentions to crack down on steroids to give the American people better rolemodels. Hmm... so is Bush saying that drug users should not be respected by the general public? Give me an H! Give me an Ipocrisy! Instead, the recently revealed tapes where Bush states, "I will not comment on whether or not I used marijuana because I don't want any kids to try what I tried." Hmm.. so here's the picture I'm getting... drugs are bad.. education is important... but a drunk, pot smoking, crack head with a C average in school can be President?
What was I talking about?
A few months ago former baseball player Jose Canseco released his book, "I did steroids, BUT so did these guys, nah nah nah nah nah!" The book mentioned several professional baseball players who supposedly used steroids, including Mark McGwire, Ivan Rodriguez, Jason and Jeremy Giambi, and Barry Bonds. Since then, several more players have been tied to this scandal. In the last week, Congress interviewed several baseball players to get to the bottom of the situation.
In response to the accusation that the MLB ignored steroids, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has released a list of everyone who has supposedly taken steroids.
The list includes:
-Your neighbor's dog
-TV chef Emeril Legasse
-The little kid from Jerry Maguire
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Lost Russian spy satellite found on popular PBS show
On January 9th, 2005, a satellite made a fiery re-entry into Earth's atmosphere, and was suspected to be somewhere in the Ural Mountains in southeastern Siberia. The satellite supposedly an advanced Kobalt-class spy satellite, belongs to Russia. Members of the Russian space program were reluctant to comment on details, but did say, "Spy satellite? What spy satellite? What are you talking about? I've never heard of such a thing."
In an official report released only three days after the satellite fell back to Earth, a Russian official, wearing a suit and black sunglasses, claimed, "The Russian space program is too busy studying rock formations on Mars to launch such a satellite." It then added, "But we did lose an out-dated weather satellite. Has anyone seen it? If you do, please don't open it-- as it might be contaminated by-- you know-- space-- goo, or something."
For weeks the Russian military has been sending expeditions to the Ural mountains. When asked about the strange expeditions, a Russian General made this statement: "There are no expeditions, there is no satellite, and there was no re-entry. What you saw was the aurora borealis reflecting off a packet of atmospheric gasses."
On a brand new episode of PBS's hit show Antiques Road Show, filmed live in Des Moines, an elderly woman from Illinois brought the 'toaster' she bought in a flea market to get it appraised. "Ma'am," the appraiser said, "What you have here is not a toaster at all. In fact, it seems to be some sort of-- satellite. Now, if this had been a real Toastrite Pan Electric Man toaster, you would be looking at an estimated value of between $1,500 and $2,500. But because it seems to be, if I'm not mistaken, the missing Kosmos-2410 Kobalt-class Russian spy satellite, based on the design of the US Gemini spacecraft-- it will bring under $200 on the market."
Sunday, February 13, 2005
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY OTHER COUNTRIES MIGHT HATE US:
10. Jealous of our purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain.
9. Angry about their country's hero not being as cool as Captain America.
8. May or may not be France, and may or may not want to take back Louisiana Purchase, hypothetically speaking.
7. That whole "Constitution" debacle.
6. American Idol(s).
5. American cheese.
4. American Pie(s).
3. Might have something to do with the number of times we've invaded them in the last 4 years, maybe?
2. Starts with a "G", and ends with an "eorge W Bush".
1. Could possibly be a certain foreign leader who might be mad at two certain creators of South Park who might have made fun of him (and his lithp) in a movie which could possibly have had a song in it that went, "America! Fuck yeah!" Sorry that could not have been a little bit more specific.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Saturday, February 05, 2005
If there's any soda better than Jones Soda, I have yet to taste it.
Anyone can send in a picture, but only the ones that receive the most votes on their website (www.jonessoda.com) will win.
So here is where you all come in. Below are eight of the best (in my opinion) mushroom pictures. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment on which of the eight you would like to see sent in to Jones Soda's label contest. I want to hear from as many of you as humanly possible.
In a couple weeks I will make my final decision and you all will be able to vote for my picture to be a label for Jones Soda! Please, this is your chance people! Don't you want to be able to show off your blue finger too?! (maybe they just ate lots of plumb pie like Little Jack Horner)
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2005
Mushroom Picture Collection: Part IV
To make up for not posting in over a month, here is a brand new mushroom picture collection for all of you.
What could it be?
You shouldn't have!
Gifts of gold, frankincense, myrrh, and mushroom?
Back With Nature, part 5
Mushrooms can read?
Cult of the Mushroom?
Mmm Mmm, mushroom
Mushroom with flowers for his mum? Do mushrooms have mums?!
They call me mellow mushroom (quite rightly)
Back With Nature, part 4
Mushroom and fire!!
Abbott and Costello meet the Mushroom?
I see a little silhouetto of a mushroom,
Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
Cooking with mushroom
Sexiest mushroom alive?
Mushroom and friend, part 3
Canned Mushroom (muffled laughter)